Roundup- a third of a year in Gurgaon

A friend whom I met up for coffee the other day (a coffee shop in a mall, where else *rolls eyes*) asked me how I like Gurgaon, and have I become a Gurgaon-ite yet. Nope, I haven't, and I hope I never shall (in the context of the article and in terms of how the writer defines a Gurgaonite). I gave my friend a very honest answer. If you move around as much as we do, you tend not to be too fussy. Indeed, you simply cannot afford to be because then you'd just be miserable. Having said that, both S and I believe that when you move to a new place, you need to go in with a positive vibe and truly believing that it's a city/town/country that you will like, enjoy and explore. (Isn't that true of any new undertaking in life?). If you go in determined to be happy, chances are, you will be. Moving from the US to Noida wasn't easy for us and it wouldn't have been easy even if we had moved to UP from our last-but-one home, Bangalore. The gulf that separates a cosmopolitan city in South India from a city on the borderline of the Hindi heartland is very very large. On the surface, it all looks similar and familiar but people's attitudes and preferences are very different and one has to adjust accordingly. From that aspect, Gurgaon is a much more easier city to fit into. For example, English is much more widely spoken here than in Noida. The large number of MNCs have attracted a large pan-Indian crowd and in our complex, for instance, you hear snatches of every language -Marathi, Gujarati, Tamil, Telugu, Haryanvi, Hindi, Punjabi, not to mention some Cantonese and Korean!

Where we live is very central to all the shops/malls, office complexes and we have 2 metro stations at a half-kilometre walking distance. Every couple of days, I end up with a long list of errands and to-dos and I enjoy walking to our local market, just a 7-8 min walk away. Our grocery store, stationery store, drycleaner, vegetable vendor and tailor are all there and I can't tell you how much I enjoy going into each and every shop. I love shopping local, in small businesses (have I said earlier how much I detest malls? :)))) so this gives me a huge thrill! In the US, S and I would often argue about where to shop. I preferred buying supplies at the weekend farmer's markets but S would always like to shop at Safeway or Target (economies of scale=lower prices). At Noida too, because of where we lived, I had to get groceries delivered home or else drive to the supermarket which just didn't give me that local flavour.
I have recently discovered a walking group, a running group and a drum circle in the city. None of which I have the least intention of joining but what it proves is, one needs to just look a little below the surface and any city can and does yield up pleasant surprises. Yes, Gurgaon is hot and humid and freezing in turns, traffic is chaotic, people are crazy (!!!) and the infrastructure -- I could talk about it if it existed! But well, it's our home for the next few years and all the complaining I'm going to do about it will pertain to the weather only. I reserve that one inalienable right!

PS: Am I blogging too much? I have so much to say. If a lot of it is drivel, ah well...it'll be fun to read it all after a couple of years :)

The score so far - I

Books read in the last month (Thanks everyone for the recos!):

The Great Indian novel - Shashi Tharoor. I really liked this. The Mahabharata theme, and the parallels with modern Indian history were fascinating. Most of all, I liked his writing (this is my first Tharoor book). Very evocative.

The argumentative Indian - Amartya Sen. I was a little hesitant to pick this up even though it has been on my reading list for ages. I've done enough heavy reading over the last 2 years to want to stick to fiction for the time being. But among academics, Sen's writing is extraordinarily readable and clear and I have enjoyed (and learnt a lot from) most of the books he has written. In particular, I love the philosophical approach he brings to economics! I took the book slowly, and it was very interesting. To be re-read.

The remains of the day - Kazuo Ishiguro. Again, a long-pending book. It justified the wait.

The girl with the dragon tattoo - Stieg Larsson. Ok, I don't know about you, but I had got some rave reviews of the Millenium series. I plodded and ploughed through this but failed to understand why it is supposed to be unputdownable. Didn't manage to finish even half. Well - that's 2 books less to read!

Charlie and the chocolate factory - Roald Dahl. Any review needed of this?? I finished the book in 30 minutes flat but I am reading it to Ads, a few pages every day. And I am finding this task far more pleasurable than reading it for myself!

The vine of desire - Chitra Divakaruni. Hmm...so this was picked up even though I did not like her other book - The Mistress of Spices. This one is better but it reminded me of all the reasons why I am not impressed with her writing (ok, ok, personal opinion of course :)). There's too much imagery in it. It's too laboured, too much of a "creative-writing-course" feel about it, when all one needs is for a story to be told in a straightforward fashion. So, anyway, again not impressed though multiple people have recommended the same author's Palace of Illusions. 

More suggestions welcome. This is one to-do list that I like to be as long as possible.

"Be a guest in your own home"

I simply had to share this article, about rediscovering (or, as in most cases, simply "discovering") our own cities and towns. As the author states "Your city is exotic for someone else." So true! Do go ahead, and read. As for me, my master list of "to-dos" in NCR is growing longer by the day. We ain't ticking them off as fast as I'm adding them :))

3-day staycation

While the whole city and his mother seemed to be heading out for the long Independence day weekend, we were staying put in Gurgaon. I thought we'd take the opportunity to do a few things around Delhi that we hadn't managed to do/see yet. Those plans didn't work out but we still had a nice relaxed long weekend.

Saturday, we celebrated Raksha Bandhan. We had invited some friends over for lunch that day so I was busy cooking. I learnt the proper way to make kuzhi-paniyarams from my Chettiar friend! So, true to form, I patao-ed her into slaving over the gas-stove and making them for everybody!! I'm such a bad hostess :((
The same evening, we headed out to a nearby park for the kids to get in some playtime before dinner at Gurgaon's (only?) slow-food, organic restaurant. The food was YUM and knowing it was organic made it taste even better! I would have taken some snaps of the moong-dal chila stuffed with paneer if Ads hadn't been busy projectile-vomiting. Poor guy had a stomach bug and has been on a curd-rice diet all weekend.

On Sunday, we were meeting friends at Hauz-Khas for lunch. The kids love the Hauz-Khas deer park. It's clean, extremely green, has deer, peacock and rabbits, a duck-pond AND a children's play area. What's NOT to like???? The adults like it because it has some kick-ass restaurants, one right inside the park. I adore it most of all because of all the 13th century monuments. It's astonishing and enticing to be roaming down a shady avenue of trees, take a random turn and suddenly encounter this.

Or this,

Or this one.

Today, a rainy overcast day, will be spent indoors doing Hindi maatraas with Ads. He has a test tomorrow. Soooo boring! But a mommy's gotta do what a mommy's gotta do.

Raksha Bandhan 2011

Since last year, the kids have been celebrating Raksha Bandhan. I find it a very sweet festival, a celebration of the wonderful intimate bond between bro and sis. Plus, for lazy people like me, the work involved is so minimal - no dishes to be made, no puja to be done :)

So, on Friday, Y made a rakhi for Ads, with a lot of help from me :) The blue one on top is what she made at school (I'm guessing her teacher made most of it since it's so neat) and the white one with the red ribbon is what we made at home. 

This is the puja thali assembled by both of us :) Brown toblerone for Ads and white chocolate for Y (she won't eat brown!)

Yukta quite distracted while tying the rakhi because she had spotted the gifts!

Ads wanted to tie a rakhi for his sister so we did that too.

I bought small gifts for them to exchange with each other. Y got a pair of hair-clips and Ads got a set of plastic wild animals. Soon after the rakhi "ceremony" was over,  they were fighting like cat and dog over the plastic animals.....sigh...........was all that effort for nothing???

2007 revisited

First, allow me to indulge in some reminiscing. A recollection of the happiest year of my life. Funnily enough, it happened after I became a mom...who would've thought?? :P We moved to the US and I fully intended to look for a job there, after a couple of months of playing with my toddler boy and enjoying his company. What I did not know then was that, I would start having so much fun with him that all plans to work and gain some US experience would fly out of the window. S would say, with a slight hint of jealousy, that Ads and I were (in his words) "on your own trip". And we were. We would be soundly asleep while S left for work around 7 or 8 am. We would wake up, eat a leisurely breakfast and by 10 be outside in the sunshine and clean air, playing in the park. I joined a moms club and the week was filled with kid-friendly events and playdates. Our social life rocked! We'd come home, I'd do a spot of cooking, feed Ads, wait for him to wake up from his nap and in the evening we'd be off again! In 6 months, I knew more about the Bay Area than my hardworking corporate-slaving spouse :)

My defining emotion of that entire year is contentment. I read a lot, ate a lot (put on a lot of weight too!), and enjoyed every moment spent with my child. It was a welcome change from the last few years of work politics and trying to establish myself in a new career, a difficult pregnancy and the challenges associated with being a working mom. There was no past and no future, only the present. 

Now, I have that feeling again, now that the last 2 years of work, work, work, moving, moving, moving and  so many adjustments seem to be behind us all. I feel more settled, more able to focus on the important things and not multi-task as much as I have been doing. That same old feeling of contentment. At the same time, I'm also aware that this is a temporary phase of calm since I have already started (in a languid no-urgency sense of the word!) preparing myself for joining the workforce again. Updating the CV, reaching out to old colleagues, adding new connections on Linkedin and so on. I'm only looking for a part-time, work-from-home assignment and I will hold out for as long as it takes to find something of that nature, in my chosen field. It's too late in my career to second-guess my own choices, be anxious about my prospects and jump into something just because it's available now. 

I'm not nervous about whether I'll find a job. I'm sure it will happen, when it happens and I know I'll know the right one when it comes along :) In the meantime, it feels good to soak (sometimes literally!) in the languidness of Delhi's monsoon (which is still playing hide-and-seek with us Guragon-wasis), and indulge in some 2007-like enjoyments with my little kiddies.
Speaking of little kiddies, we found during our pediatrician's visit last weekend that it is Ads who is underweight and Y (about whose size-zeroisms I have lamented loud and often in this blog) is sitting pretty at the 50% percentile for weight! (Good improvement, huh?) Now when Ads is already a good eater, where do I improve his diet? We've been asked to up the butter/ghee quotient. Ads is helping me by ensuring I add an extra dollop of ghee to his rice/rotis and don't shortchange him :) Of late, since they are learning about food groups at school, he has been annoying me by loudly examining and critiquing the protein/carb/fat/vitamin content of every meal!

Weekend

The weekend was busy. We were out the door by 9 am on Saturday. We split up for efficiency's sake - S with the kids to the doctor's for annual checkups and vaccinations, and me to Y's school for her Parent-teacher meeting. As you can tell, I gave him the harder job :) I had time to kill after the PTM since S was still not done with the doctor, and I had fun browsing through the huge collection of children's books on sale in the school. I don't know if this happens in other cities, but it seems to be a regular feature in many NCR schools. Outfits like Scholastic hold a day-long display and sale of books during the PTMs. In Y's school for example, a large Delhi kiddie bookstore called Eureka was selling books. Psychologically sound tactic I say. If the teacher tells me my son needs more work on his reading abilities, what are the odds I am going to come out of the meeting and grab a large pile of phonics books and early readers???!!! I'm a little wary of such stealth marketing, but that didn't prevent me from buying a bunch of books for Ads (early readers......what....he really DOES need to work on his reading!!!!) I also picked up a bunch of Hindi worksheets. Now that they have started maatraas for him, his lack of knowledge of Hindi words is showing up and at this point we are learning a whole lot of new words everyday and writing/memorizing them.

By noon, S had picked me up and we went ate a stupor-inducing buffet lunch followed by a long nap at home. On Sunday, we visited the Garden of 5 senses in Delhi - a long-overdue outing. It's near the Qutub, just a 15 min drive for us. The garden itself is very nice, very calm and peaceful; full of little steps and cobbled pathways and mazes, in addition to a solar park, a sundial, a lily pond and a chime 'tree'. I stared at the latter tree, forcefully willing it to chime but the air was so still and humid that not a tinkle could be heard :( Clearly, this is not a season for the outdoors. We were all dripping with sweat, me most of all. I kept biting my lip to avoid cribbing which is what I would have done if the kids were not with us. They were not complaining about the heat and dampness - how could I? Some people had told us that the garden was nothing great - Its just a park - that's what we were told. I think so much of what we do as adults, our prejudices and snobbishness, rubs off on our kids. Yes, basically and fundamentally it's just a park, it was nothing fanta-fabulous but if we go around saying " What the hell is this place, why have we come here, look at the lousy weather" and so on, well then we just teach our kids to do the same and NOT see the beauty in everyday things. So, although, I really really wished for some Bangalore-type weather right then, I kept my trap shut and the kids had a blast, climbing over rocks, running through the maze, playing with pebbles and leaves, spotting centipedes and disturbing the scores of cozy couples desperately seeking some privacy from nosy children! Y was most thrilled to spot a tree with lots of pink flowers and insisted on being photographed under it since she was wearing a matching pink dress!

We have bookmarked this place for autumn/winter/spring picnics. We'll definitely be visiting again.

Leaving you with some pictures of the garden.

The chimes that wouldn't!

The lily pond

View of the Qutub minar from the top of a hillock

Can you tell I am fascinated with this monument? It's so majestic!

Veg pancakes

No, this is NOT turning into a food blog!!! I forget my own recipes so easily so I'm looking at this as one way of remembering what I made :) I'm not a great cook but I am passionate about getting my kids to eat right and call me crazy, but I never once mind getting up at 5 am to make the kids' lunch/tiffin. It's a labour of love, putting all that healthy stuff into the lunchboxes. Never mind that one set comes back almost untouched. Sigh. Yesterday Y came back with a sad face drawn on her hand. Apparently the teacher drew it when Y refused to eat her lunch!

So -- back to the food. Ads loves pancakes. I didn't know until a few years ago that pancakes could be made at home without the aid of Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker :( Ads will sometimes ask me to make pancakes for breakfast (on weekends) or for afternoon snack. The health nut that he is, he will drizzle honey/agave on the pancakes, turning away the chocolate syrup and maple syrup. I love this guy!!!! Anyway pancakes are yummy and all but I thought for lunch I should send something more wholesome. A stuffed dosa or uthappam would be healthier of course, and also it would be nicer if it was eaten warm but we'll just work within these constraints. Ads asked for a pancake, and a pancake is what he got :)

This morning, I used finely shredded beetroot, spinach (palak) and yellow bell pepper. I cooked them in the microwave until well done. 

My pancake batter was comprised of maida, salt, pepper, 1 large egg, milk and baking powder. For additional seasoning I added a tsp of Chinese spices that I had on hand. Don't ask me in what proportions I added everything because I never know that - basically you just need to get the usual pancake batter consistency. I added the cooked veggies to that and mixed them all up, and poured the batter into a greased omelette pan, adding a generous topping of grated cheese. And this is what the pancake looked like.

I was out of hummus so I sent some ketchup as accompaniment. Unfortunately my kids don't eat any kind of chutneys and I am yet to hit upon some chutney which they will like.

Next time I am thinking of making a fruit pancake which would be sweeter and more interesting for the kids (maybe?).

Tagged! Why I read

I've been tagged by Aparna of Life as a Mom to write a post on Why I Read (Thanks, Aparna!). I've been reading for as long as I remember. My more vivid early memories are not of people or places but of Noddy and Amelia Jane, which I think sums up the role books play in my life. In the last few years, after the babies came along and other responsibilities took over, I haven't read as much or as voraciously as I used to; but even today, the feel of a book in my hands is one of my life's greatest pleasures.

Why I read is very simple. I don't read as a form of escapism. I read because very early on, I realized that there is magic in the written word. This magic permits me to do two things. One, enjoy various aspects of life vicariously, without moving an inch (one reason why I love books and blogs about travel). Two, it can move me the way nothing else can. People are moved by different things - maybe art, perhaps movies or music. Maybe something else. But nothing in the non-real world excites feelings of wonder, adventure, joy and sorrow for me as much as a good book. I've been known to be found reading, tears streaming down my face and sniffing sorrowfully; or walking around with a broad smile the whole day while reading a funny book!

Sometimes, when I am very fortunate, I find a book that may or may not have a superb plot line but is so well-written, so powerfully-expressed, words used so tellingly and so mindblowingly that I am just awestruck with the writer's artistry and just...the way he can take the right words and twist them around and put them together to create that perfect symphony of language. I think -- that's when I love reading the most. 

I tag Sangitha and Yuvika. Hope to hear from you, ladies!

Vegetable-paneer cutlets (or somethin' -- need a proper name for these!)

Ever since I got myself a non-stick kuzhi-paniyaram maker a year ago, dishing out afternoon snacks has been a breeze. I love this baby, definitely the single most useful cooking utensil I have ever possessed. For starters, my kids (ok ok one of them!) ADORE kuzhi-paniyarams. Most of the time, most of the idli batter I make at home never gets used to make even a single idli. It gets exhausted just in making KPs and dosas (probably a good thing now that my idlis are coming out like rocks nowadays. In my defence, I learnt how to make idlis using the idli rava instead of boiled rice and I have always got amazing fluffy idlis with it. This rice and urad dal combination mystifies me). Anyways, back to the point. Which is, that the KP-maker is a very versatile piece of work. I have hardly ever made any snacks which involve deep-frying. Both S and I have been health freaks for too long to indulge in more than the occasional pakoda/bajji/cutlet. When we had people over, the most I could bring myself to do was shallow-fry the starters. But with this thingy, I can now indulge in some guilt and oil-free treats and my son will NOT perk up with "Amma, why are you feeding us unhealthy stuff?"!!!

I've dipped paneer, potatoes and green gram dal in batter and cooked in the KP-maker and they've all been pretty good to eat. The recipe below is the one we had yesterday.

First, I made a thick batter of gram flour and rice flour with water, salt and red chilli powder. I cooked peas and sweet corn (in the microwave) and ground them coarsely in the mixer with 1 green chilli, salt and coriander leaves. I grated carrots and and added them to the above mixture and made small balls with my hand. These were dipped in the batter, then coated with home-made bread crumbs. I'd heated up a little oil in each of the compartments of the KP-maker and now I placed these vegetable balls in to cook, turning them over after a minute for even browning. For Ads, I added some paneer to the vegetable mixture separately since Y doesn't care for paneer.

Unfortunately I have no pictures but bar any vegetable cutting/grating, this recipe hardly takes any time. I've stopped buying bread crumbs now that I learnt how ridiculously easy it was to make them at home and we have bread every single day, so I always have a stash of bread slices to work with.

YET - it's still BOILING out here and I was running out to the dining room every minute or so to stand under the fan :) I hope my children remember and are suitably grateful for all the sweating and toiling I have done for them :(

Mini-pizzas

This is a variation of the pizzas that I usually make, except that calling it a pizza is a bit of a stretch of the imagination, being a pizza in looks only! BUT - big advantage - it's very quick and handy especially for the lunch-box meals, not to mention supremely healthy. You do however need to get hold of some whole-wheat pita bread for this, and some hummus (store-bought or home-made) would be great too.

So here's what you do. Take a bunch of veggies that don't need much cooking. I chose red and yellow bell-peppers, zucchini, spinach and carrots, all shredded finely. Mix them well along with salt, pepper and any Italian herbs you have. Cut each pita into 4 and carefully pull off the tops from each slice. On each slice, spread some hummus (or any butter/spread), layer the veggies and sprinkle some cheese/paneer on top. Bake for 2-3 minutes at 180 degrees and you're done. If the pitas have pockets, another idea would be to use the veggies plus cheese as stuffing and then bake.

This picture was clicked just before I put the pizzas into bake mode.

This is what they look like after baking.

This is one no-brainer recipe and next time I plan to use pesto sauce as a spread - that should be yummy! 

Slowed-down Sunday

Ads was sick today, running a high temperature in the afternoon. Towards the evening, I wasn't feeling too great myself and so we two sick-birds were thrown together while S took charge of Y, took her to the park, bathed and fed her etc. Since Ads could not go down to play, I kept him amused by reading a few books together and doing a couple of crosswords. We also retired to bed early and spent a lot of time in the darkness while lying in bed, talking about this and that. He was talking about his friends in school and all the class 'politics' (!) and I was reminiscing about my school days and how we would have to copy the day's notes from a classmate if we were sick and absent from school (how long ago those days seem, definitely in another life!). As Ads and I were chatting, it dawned on me, that because he was ill, today I had been more solicitous, more patient, more present and more caring with him. In short, I had been the kind of mom I strive to be every single day (a task at which I fail spectacularly on so many of those days), and I hadn't even tried all that hard!

Sigh. Now I can't wish that my child falls ill so that I can feel great about my mothering, can I? :(
I'm the kind of parent who tries so hard to do a good job that sometimes I don't enjoy what I'm doing.  I get so focussed on the nitty-gritties of day-to-day parenting that I lose sight of the nurturing and 'mothering' aspect. As they say, the journey is the destination. Today, Ads reminded me of all the reasons why I stay at home with my kids. The companionship, the conversations, the closeness, that should be a part of our everyday lives and ever so often, isn't. Because I am too busy washing dishes or folding clothes or making sure the maid has dusted properly.
When kids fall ill (yes, when mothers fall ill too!), life slows down. It's good when that happens :)
As you can tell, I am in a philosophical mood this evening. I caught the morning show of Zindagi na Milegi Dobara today, with a friend. While it's quite difficult to stop drooling and look past the 3 tall and very attractive lead actors of the movie (!!), what I liked about the movie was the non-preachy way in which it communicated a very simple but oft-ignored and forgotten mantras: Live life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment. Live in the present. Let it go.

Baby steps for Ads and some advice needed for Y

I'd posted just a fortnight ago about Ads being afraid of being left alone at the bus-stop. And yes, yet again, my children have surprised me by behaving out of character (maybe that is in character?!!) Because the mornings are so hectic, with Ads' bus arriving at 7.20 am and Y needing to board her van at 7.40 am, Ads has started walking alone to the stop (which is just outside the main gate of our complex so he doesn't have to cross the road). Most days, S or I follow him to his stop within 5-10 minutes, with Y in tow, and we are there to see him board the bus. This is because the bus sometimes arrives only around 7.30 or 7.35. But on the days it is on time (like today), we haven't been able to make it because we are still getting kid#2 ready for school. I feel a little bad about Ads going alone but he doesn't mind. He's proud that he goes to tennis class all by himself and gets back home after playing in the park, again by himself. These small steps towards independence mean a lot to him, as they do to me. In any case, I am usually around whenever he is down, just in a different place; for example in the children's play area with Y while he is in the lawn with his friends. It helps that the complex is quite secure, tons of guards everywhere, lots of kids/maids and the security staff in general is quite alert and seem to know all the kids. 

He has prohibited me from picking him up from the bus-stop at 2.45 pm, but this is something I said no to. Primarily because, once he fell asleep on the way home and the bus-driver and the bhaiyya did not realize that he had not got down. They were all ready to speed away but then saw me waiting and realized a kid was missing! Since that incident, I have lost a little of my confidence in them. So I go to the stop and wait anyways, risking Ads' annoyance on seeing me! I'd much rather not have to pick him up because I'm forced to leave a sleeping Y alone at home when I am downstairs, but at the moment I don't have any backup.

In the meantime, our old problem has resurfaced. The class teacher at Y's new school has been telling me of almost-daily episodes involving Y hitting other kids. Today, she has bitten some child. I've been feeling really upset because, believe me, I've been on the other side of the fence and I know how it feels when your child tells you that some rowdy element in class hit/bit him:( I've been talking to Y and this afternoon she was visibly angry with me (probably because I kept harping on the same theme). Any good ideas on how to explain to her that hitting/biting/shoving is NOT okay? Her teacher seems a little inexperienced and I get the sense that she's a little out of her depth in handling this. In Y's earlier Noida school, the teachers were very savvy and managed to resolve this issue in no time. I've asked S to talk to her too, and hopefully she will understand why it's hurtful to cause pain to others.

It's easy....just don't eat

I posted this on my facebook page some days ago. The caption was "And this is how we maintain a steady size zero" :))

Chores

At what age should kids start doing more chores around the house, and what should these be? I've been thinking about this because I think it is very very important that kids develop a sense of ownership, even pride, in their home and it's environs. I expect my kids to grow up making their own beds, clearing up after themselves (no flinging schoolbags and shoes randomly as soon as they get back from school!), keeping their rooms clean and in general helping mom and dad around the house. Because it's their house too, and they are not non-paying guests! Ads (and due to his influence, now Y) has always been very good about cleaning up his toys after playing, from a very early age. It was something I always insisted on and they both don't give me any grief over it. Now Ads is definitely old enough to shoulder some additional responsibility, other than keeping his room clean.

When he gets back home from school, he puts away his bag, keeps his lunch sack near the kitchen sink, puts away his shoes, undresses and throws the soiled uniform into the laundry basket and chooses his own clothes to wear after his bath (which he takes all by himself). He has also, most days, been folding his freshly-laundered clothes and putting them away. In the morning also, he takes a bath by himself and would dress himself except that we are in a tearing hurry at that point and can't wait for him to struggle with buttons and straps. At mealtimes, I expect him to put his plate/bowl away and get his own water. Note that technically, I don't even consider any of these as "chores" because he isn't doing anything out of the way but only managing himself and his possessions.

However, laying aside that semantic technicality, are there other easy chores that he can do? I can't ask him to lay the table because we hardly ever have a proper sit down dinner. S eats later than the three of us because by the time he gets home, the kids are usually at the end of their meal and I am just beginning mine. The mornings are too rushed for me to ask Ads to fix his own breakfast (though I could probably do this on weekends). He already makes me a cup of green tea on request :) 

Blast - that's the problem with India - so many of the domestic services like cleaning, dusting, dishwashing and ironing are now outsourced!!! So, does anyone have any suggestions for this slave-driver of a mother? :) Or is he doing well for an almost-6 year old? Have any of you paid your kids (in cash or kind) for special tasks or even general chores? 

Sick, home alone and raring to read

The better half is away holidaying...err...working.... in Johannesburg and dutiful and affectionate wife that I am, I have been sending some malevolent and envious thoughts in the direction of the Dark Continent. Descriptions of how he saw Mandela's house, how he had a multiple course English afternoon tea, complete with scones and 5 different types of jam, and how he is staying in the best hotel in Johannesburg, which hosts the likes of Will Smith and Shakira, is not making me feel good :(

As a result of my vibes, the poor guy has actually not managed to see much of the city and has been staying up till 2 am some nights to get his work done (evil laugh). Okay, I'm not normally this wicked. But two reasons. First - It is freaking HOT in here! Really, I can deal with the heat but the heat and humidity combination makes me collapse. The next person who tells me that I am from Chennai and therefore should be used to such weather is going to get a sharp kick from me. Chennai heat is nothing, read nothing, on Delhi's. It doesn't sap you and make you go all nuts in the head, for one. The silver lining (if that is what it is) is that it has been so hot that it can't possibly get any worse (am I jinxing myself?) and it does feel like the oppressive heat that precedes a good dose of rain. But we'll have to wait and see whether my prediction comes true.
Second reason - I have been down with the viral, again, just a day after S left. The first couple of days were bad, especially the morning hours when I had to get 2 lunches and 2 kids ready for school and out the door by 7.20. Can you blame me for being catty and mean?!! (Hint: DON'T! :)). I was planning to spend the week luxuriating in a few hours of nothing-to-do everyday; instead I spent a lot of it in bed, snoozing and fighting the infection. However, I did manage to sign up for an online library here, a temptation I have resisted for a whole year, in the interest of maintaining my focus on studying. But ...woo-hoo! I can finally start reading again, so please please do send me book recos. It should be easy because a) I read EVERYTHING except management and spiritual books b) I have been out of the reading loop by choice for almost 2 years so I have a lot of catching up to do. Gosh, I feel so happy just thinking about the possibilities! :)

Y's vision update and new school

All good! Her number has changed a little, which the doc assures me may happen often pretty often as she grows. So she has new lenses now and is getting used to them. The thing I was worried about was that we would have to patch the eye. The doc says - no need, for now atleast and she wants to review her after 2 months and see how its going. So Amma and Appa are pretty relieved, for now, and a lot less anxious!

Y has also started school again. It's one of the schools we had considered for Ads. We had really liked it and the reason we didn't admit him there was that kids from Grade 1 onwards were being shifted to a larger and nicer campus almost 10-12 km from our home, which would have been too long a commute for the little guy. But playschool until KG is in a small campus not too far from our place so that's where Y is going. We dropped her off on Friday which was her first day and she, characteristically, was quite nonchalant about separating from us. The teacher even called later to say that she was totally fine and that I don't need to pick her up in the afternoon and they would send her home in the school van! Day 2 is today and she went off without a backward glance, in the school van. The girl astonishes me with her coolness (something she has doubtless inherited from her father), especially because my whole mental framework is so oriented towards Ads personality/temperament. It is difficult for me to reorient myself a whole 180 degrees to deal with Y! Difficult or not, I'm so glad she is strong and phlegmatic. A few days ago, I was dropping Ads at the bus-stop and all of a sudden I realized I'd forgotten to pack his water bottle. There were a few minutes left for the bus to arrive, so I asked one of the other moms to keep and eye on him and ran back to our flat to get the water bottle. BIG mistake! I knew even then that on my return, I'd find Ads crying and guess what - I was right! My sins: #1: I sped off at a second's notice, and didn't give him a full 10-15 minutes to mull over the sudden change in plan #2: I left him ALL ALONE at the bus stop (evidently the 8 other children and their maids/moms did not count as people whom he knows) #3: It was MY mistake that I had not packed his water bottle. If I had packed it, I would not have had to put him through all this trauma!!!! 

See what I mean? :) 

Men, women and work

When I was studying social policy, we were asked to read about feminism and it's history. One of the sub-topics that really resonated with me was the whole subject of women, and work, and the unequal and subordinate status of women in society and work relationships. The central problem for feminist strategy, it is said, is the old debate of equality vs difference. The former, which is the egalitarian ideal, asks for equal treatment for fundamentally unequal people, and the latter, which is the new feminist ideal, asks for women to be treated as different but equal. The dilemma is that the two routes towards EQUAL citizenship that women have pursued are mutually incompatible within the confines of patriarchal society, and within that context, they are impossible to achieve. Women demand on one hand that they be treated on par with men in every respect; the implication being a gender-neutral world. On the other hand they also say that as women they have different talents, needs and concerns, therefore the expression of their citizenship, their rights and obligations, will be different from that of men. These two routes/demands are incompatible because it allows 2 alternatives only: either women become like men, and so full citizens; or they continue at women’s (traditional) work and roles, which is unpaid and seemingly of no value.

Clearly the fundamental issue from a fairly narrow perspective of equal rights, pay and opportunities at the workplace, is that a) women have primary responsibility for household work including children and other dependents, whether or not they work outside the home b) Men are INDEPENDENT to a large extent from such responsibilities. I've always believed that men's independence in this context is a far greater and problematic issue than women's dependence. Unless men are made to fulfil their household responsibilities (chores, raising kids, cooking, all that stuff), and unless such responsibilities become part and parcel of the very fabric of our society, there is little to be gained by cracking open the glass ceiling. The latter is very important, however the real constraints lie in the home, not in the workplace. 

If the patriarchal norms of society are harmful to women, they are also unjust to men. We don't hear of a "Daddy track", do we? I'm sure there are many men out there who'd love to get onto that track! And why should they not if they want to? The answer really needs to come from what would work better for both sexes. Can our communities organize themselves in a way that would allow both parents to give wholeheartedly to their families and children? 

I have a dream - that each country would implement welfare policies which would allow both men and women to pursue their careers (or not). It has been demonstrated that countries with generous maternity leaves actually worsen gender equality prospects as women stay home longer and men continue to.....well....they pretty much just continue as usual!!! Scandinavian countries which have a "use-it-or-lose-it" paternity leave policy actually do much much better in increasing gender equality. I'd love for India to have shared leave in baby's first year (as in Canada), high-quality childcare and lots and lots of flex-work opportunities. When do you think the developing countries will get there? Anytime in the next couple of generations?

The parent who soothes

That's a reference to my husband, not to me. His magic touch is very very evident when it comes to Y, who can be, well, a little strong-willed and picky, to say the least. When she gets that way, she brings out the worst in me because if she is stubborn, then I am stubborn-er! I jump into a childish war of wills to prove that I can prevail, which does no one any good and ends with Y crying her heart out and me feeling like a fool of a bad mother. We have been making the long weary trip to Noida the last couple of weeks to meet with Y's opthamologist, who is going to take a final call on whether or not to patch her left eye. I have my third trip there tomorrow when her power is going to be tested. In order for the test to happen tomorrow, I have been dilating Y's eyes with this ointment for the last couple of days, twice a day. The first three times, she yelled and sobbed and kicked me. I steeled myself, pried open her eyes and slopped some ointment in. Most of it came out immediately because she was crying so much. The fourth time, S was around. All he did was take her on his lap and keep talking to her. She obligingly lay down and opened her eyes wide open for the ointment. Not a squeak out of her!! This morning, she was helpful enough to even ask me whether she should open her eyes even wider!!! What the %$^&*&&^&!!!!!! 

S says all I need to do is STAY calm, NOT communicate my tension to her, and TALK to her. It all sounds very easy and I know how often I have tried to do exactly this in so many situations with both my children. It simply does NOT work for me. Being calm, steady, soothing - these qualities do come naturally to some people. They don't to others! I remember how when Y was young, S would be the only person who could put her down for her nap. He is still the one who can shampoo her hair without screams and bellows issuing from the bathroom :) 

It's good that S is the soothing influence in our family, though I am insanely jealous that he always gets to be the good cop to my bad cop! I'm a details-oriented person and so I am good at the nuts-and-bolts of parenting - the nutrition, the schedules and routines, the organization, the skills-development, the blogging :) S is a big-picture guy, the Guru! Oh well. Whatever works.

He is off travelling all of next week. I am NOT, repeat NOT looking forward to it. Stress-eating, here I come!!

Little things

My little helper, Ads (NOT Y! She's my little diva! Help me? Her?) has picked up a couple of very useful skills. Thanks to our vacation in Hyderabad and his constant observation of his friend YV (whose place we stayed in), he has now started to bathe himself. YV is just a couple of weeks younger than Ads and very independent. So now, Ads manages the entire bathing process on his own, only calling me inside for one last scrub over his back. He reluctantly also allows me to check whether he has bathed properly! The downside is that Y also wants to bathe herself, which I don't allow and so we have a little tussle twice a day - sigh. We have now negotiated that she can mess around with water and soap for 10 minutes and "bathe" herself before I come in and "wash" her. Terminology is so important!!!!

I have taught Ads how to fold and put away his freshly laundered clothes. This last week, he has been good as gold at doing it. I am waiting to see whether the initial enthusiasm continues well past the first few days. He also makes me a cup of green tea (in the microwave) every afternoon if I want it. I've been getting him to do some tasks that he finds difficult. For example, carrying a loaded plate of food from the kitchen to the table is something that is guaranteed to have half the food settling on the floor. We went to Haldirams last weekend for dinner and this restaurant has the seating on the first floor while ordering and self-service are on the ground floor. Ads came downstairs with me to pick up the food and he carried his plate upstairs, very carefully and gingerly. The chole was slopping about everywhere and the bhaturas seemed about to jump out at every step, that's how much he was wiggling the plate! My BP rose several notches because I was sure the whole thing was about to fall on the ground! But we reached our table without mishap. I was proud of him especially because Haldirams is such a crowded place with people jostling you and rushing up and down with plates of food. I realized that this is one aspect of parenting that I really enjoy. I'm not so much a read-books-and-teach-things person. I simply don't have the patience. But teaching life-skills - so important and so under-rated - is something I can jump in and tackle with tons of energy.

The other day, we have having a random conversation and we started talking about products versus services. I told Ads that a product is something that is manufactured, a tangible something that can be seen, felt and experienced; whereas a service is something that is delivered to us, something that we can or do not want to do ourselves. It is also intangible. I struggled with explaining intangibility because I didn't want to give him an example of a service but wanted him to come up with something on his own. However inspite of this expectation, I was a little astonished when he actually came up promptly with a correct example of a service. He said that our maid  was providing a service to us. With some further prodding, he realized that our iron-wallah, car-cleaner, electrician etc, were also providing services to us. Do y'all think it's too soon to explain to him the current trend towards the industrialization of services, the Indian IT model, and so on? :))

A funny incident: Y and Ads were having breakfast. Ads was as usual pontificating (did I ever mention that my m-i-l calls him Professor?!). He told Y "When you have cold-cough, you must drink hot milk." Y responds instantly "And if I have hot cough, can I drink cold milk?"

THE Bond

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that my children play so well together that they have not made any friends in our apartment complex? That they constitute such a complete self-sufficient unit, so happy and content in each other, that other kids are almost superflous to them? It is not all harmony all the time. They fight a lot, too (something I will blog about in a separate post). But overall, they play beautifully together. I often wonder if it's because Ads is a very gentle boy and Y is a somewhat boisterous girl. Did they manage to meet in the middle? :)

In the playground, there are other kids around. But due to a combination of Ads’ natural shyness (something I am working at overcoming) and Y’s ready and ever-willing presence, he is simply not willing to go out there and play with other kids. Ditto for Y. They have loads of fun inventing their own silly games, competing with each other to see who climbs the play structure first, and giggling nonstop. If Ads wants to make a “house” for the ants, Y runs up all ready with sticks and stones for digging the “foundation” for the house. If Y wants to clamber up the slide, big brother is there to give her a hoist up. At home, Ads seems unable to play by himself. He is always inviting Y to participate in his activities, and even resents her naptime because he doesn’t sleep and doesn’t want her to! :(

I realize that this too, may be a phase. A matter of time. In a few months, I may be blogging about their independent interests and new friends. But presently, it’s a daily wonder to me to see their beautiful relationship, their interdependence and their joy in each other. I wonder whether this relationship will last throughout their life. I hope it will. Then I check myself. It is enough, it is more than enough that they have this bond for now; and they have given me the privilege of experiencing it.

Of Kalamkari and Pochampalli acquisitions

In Bangalore, my friend took me to this wonderful shop for Kalamkari work, called Dwaraka. I suppose she knew I would start drooling at the mouth on entering the shop! I picked up a couple of lovely things, including a Kalamkari wallet (mine was way overdue for replacement), some cushion covers and this lovely Toran, which now hangs in my kitchen doorway. Isn't it beautiful?

Check out this Pochampalli Diwan set which I simply could not resist picking up in Hyderabad, at Shilparamam. Yes I am a sucker for all things Indian, hand-made and hand-crafted, especially if they brighten up my house and perk me up every time I lay eyes on them!

That's your eye candy quota for the day! Hope you like them!

Tag - 5 things motherhood taught me

Sangitha tagged me in her post about the 5 things that mommyhood taught me. It’s a tad difficult to pinpoint the (only?!) 5 things that mommyhood has taught me. Well this is what they are currently - I am sure and I hope the list will increase and lengthen as the years go by. There’s always tons of scope for improvement and a feeling of satisfaction when said improvement happens!!!

Here goes.

One - I’ve always been a sensitive, non-judgemental person and even before the babies happened, I was aware of the need to slide more towards the insensitive end of the scale! I have been walked over by many people many times, and my inherent politeness and political correctness left me at the unpleasant receiving end of many conversations and situations. I think what mommyhood did was make me more protective and more confident. As a working mom in 2005-2007, I neither had the time nor the desire to put up with all sorts of rubbish, be it from family, colleagues, or friends. During this period, a major transition in personality happened. How much of it is due to the fact that I was entering my 30s (and knew my mind better and was basically more sorted out) and how much due to mommyhood, we shall never know; but I think it was the latter that had the bigger role to play. So yes, mommyhood made me thicker-skinned, more outspoken, more quarrelsome, more argumentative! Thankfully I managed to hold on to the non-judgemental bit J  

Two - I started understanding the importance of relying on one’s instincts rather than proceed rationally and cautiously all the time. My instincts haven’t always been spot –on (when Ads was a baby, my mother used to wryly observe that in my home, the father’s instincts were stronger than the mother’s! When Ads cried or even turned over in his sleep, S would be up in a flash while I would be obliviously snoring away J). But trusting instincts more than I was used to, was a long haul. I’m not there yet.

Three - Multi-tasking. Need I elaborate? I thought I had it all figured out. An example from day 1 of living in the US. Ads was 18 months old and until that point, I’d never been around him 24-7. S was already at work. He called me at 11 am to see how I was doing and I wailed in absolute agony “I have so much work! We haven’t even had breakfast yet and it’s almost lunchtime!” Yup – we’ve come a long way since then J

Four - After I became a mom, I wanted to be good. Not merely nice, but a truly good person, who would be a wonderful example to her child(ren). I felt selfless unconditional love and so I wanted to be other things that lead to goodness – helpful, kind, brave, caring, generous. For the first time in my life, I really believed that it was entirely possible to be all of those things. Motherhood made me more harried, sure; it also made me a better listener, a more concerned employer, a more sincere worker, a more caring friend. It’s done more to improve my nature (yes, even the standing-up-for-myself and doing-my-own-thing counts as improvement!) than all the self-help books I read.

Five - Mommyhood is deeply humbling. It made me realize how much I didn’t know. You don’t get far enough with books and workshops. It’s like any other job. You learn while on it. And you don’t stop learning because this is a real person with real issues and problems that you have created and moulded. Having said that, as my son gets past his early childhood years, I also realize that I am NOT his only or primary influence and there are many many more factors and people developing his personality. My experiences with Ads haven’t really helped me that much with raising Y, hammering once again into my head that there is so little that I know!

I tag Aparna, Uma, Life_refactored (daddyhood teaches too!), Forever Mother and BangaloreMom. Looking forward to reading what they have to say!

Back!! Part 2 - the kids' summer

The kids had the kind of summer that I am sure I had when I was a child (my recollections are quite hazy). The kind where there is absolutely no structured activity, a lot of free play and lots of idle time, where time hangs heavy but the days just fly past, where one pigs on what one's mother generally doesn't allow (lots of chocolates, anyone?), where one can get away with a mite too much TV......get the picture? With me locked up in a room for hours and unable to moderate their activities, Ads and Y spent a large amount of very high-quality time with both sets of grandparents, visiting the beach and the park, various relatives, several temples etc. They'd spend a good hour wandering about my parent's apartment complex before breakfast everyday, armed with nothing much more than a couple of sticks and a few pebbles. Chaperoned by my father, they quickly established a routine where they would first "clean the entire complex" (my father joked), kneeling down on the ground and using their sticks as brooms. They'd then be spotted sitting on the roof of my brother's Zen, Y's high voice easily carrying upto the third floor where we live. They'd then go for a stroll around the park abutting the complex, chasing butterflies and peering at the odd leech and chameleon. The grand finale would be a ride on my dad's Scooty, with an impromptu stop at a nearby wayside temple.

At my parents-in law's home, they had the company of a few cousins (all much older and therefore better at babysitting!). Ads ran errands, went up to the terrace and plucked tons of raw green mangoes and was very proud to see them converted into pickles and patchadis. We took them to the crocodile farm in Chennai, a PC Sorcar magic show and to Kung Fu Panda 2, and really, that's all the organized stuff that we did. I look back and realize that I couldn't have given them a better summer if we had lived outside India, and if I had tried to structure "productive" activities for them. Probably I should use summer 2011 as a template for all summers to come!!

How true it is that all children need is people to talk to and interact with,  a couple of books, some sheets of paper, pencils and crayons, and only the toys nature can provide them. If I needed any convincing at all about  the uselessness of most of the toys and gadgets parents buy kids nowadays, the last few months would have done the trick. Even as I write this, the children are happily occupied. Ads is animatedly explaining to Y each element of a drawing he has just finished and they are having a real conversation. Ads will do some of his holiday homework, Y will potter around, they'll splash around in the pool in the evenings, ride their bikes, maybe take in Cars 2 (which I am very excited about!!) and before I know it school will resume. They'll still drive me nuts every now and then and when I try to buy some alone time, Ads will press the GUILT button by exclaiming 'But amma, your exams are over....you have to spend time with us!".

Back!! Part 1 - my summer

I'm back home after what seems like a looong holiday, back to Gurgaon from Chennai via Bangalore and Hyderabad. I've missed reading my favourite blogs, blogging and generally being online for anything other than a quick email check. But first things first. Exams are DONE! More importantly, I thought they went well, though I haven't exactly started burning my books yet :) The first paper was good, though I had to scramble (unsuccessfully) to finish it. Knowing too much is a good problem, isn't it?!!! The second paper was an adventure. I was 90 minutes into it (with another 90 minutes to go), when I started feeling really ill. Nauseous, headachy and extremely giddy. I mustered up every ounce of willpower to write fast but with half an hour to go, I was feeling too horrible to continue, so packed up and left and hope fervently that I wrote enough to scrape through. How I got back home to my parent's place, is a haze. I sat in the auto hoping I wouldn't throw up or pass out right then and there. The kids jumped on me as soon as I got home but my mom shooed them away and I collapsed on the bed. Such drama!!!!! I figured that was my body's way of telling me to chill; waking up at 4 am everyday for several months and getting all tense about exams was clearly counter-productive.

The last 2 papers were easy. By that time, I had stopped waking up at odd hours and felt much better, physically. But the last few days were very tough, mentally. Just knowing the finish line was so near, and yet so far - was incredibly frustrating. A friend of mine, who runs marathons, described how he ran the last few kilometres of his last marathon, with cramps in both legs; I felt like that. I'd open my notebook and feel like bursting into tears. I was literally counting down the hours to my freedom, like a prisoner strikes down the days to his release! And release it has been. A big burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not recommending to anybody a course of intensive study with 2 young uns (well, as young as mine anyway!) in the house. Go to work, instead and maintain some semblance of sanity! The low point came one evening when Ads innocently asked me "Amma, when will you be able to spend time with us?"

I buzzed off to Bangalore a few days after the end of exams. I had some long-pending admin work there which I'd promised S I'd take care of. I stayed with some very close friends and had a blast. First of all, just being in my adopted city is a huge mood-lifter for me. I always feel cheerful and happy in Bangalore. It's got something to do with the weather and the friendly people obviously; more than that, it's just the awesome memories I have of the place in all the years that I lived there that create a sort of virtuous cycle of more good times and more good memories. Does that make any sense?!! Long conversations with friends and some relatives over leisurely lunches and dinners, just hanging out for hours and talking, chewing slowly and appreciating tasty food - it's been a long time since I've done any of that. It was a wonderfully energizing two days and I freely admit that I did not miss my kids at all, being this starved for some me-time.

I returned to Chennai, and just a few days later, the kids and I bid adieu to the grandparents and headed off for a 5-day holiday in Hyderabad. We stayed with a good friend who I got to know in the US because her son and Ads were classmates, and who has now relocated to India. Sightseeing with 4 kids, all under the age of 6 - was obviously a challenge. Unsurprisingly, we didn't do much. But what we did was enough and again, the fact that the boys were engaged and happy and my friend and I were able to chat and catch up, was the biggest plus point.

So now, we're back. Unpacked and with another 10 days of the summer hols still left! This has been a summer like no other. The summer I worked like a dog. I couldn't have done it without my parents and mom-in-law, who themselves worked very very hard to keep the kids out of my way, and keep them busy, well-nourished and happy. They say it takes a village to raise a child. It took a village (and then some!) to get me through this course. Oh well, fingers crossed and all that - I haven't passed yet and hope that I will!

Chai and all the rest of it

I've often wondered what kind of a mother I would be if I was denied my 2 large mugs of ginger tea a day. Answer: The absent kind! :) I'd have run away from husband, kids, everything :) It's my one indulgence (yes with 2 small kids it does seem like indulgence!), my one obsession and I am fiercely protective of my tea-time. I don't like anyone else making my tea because it has to be just so. Freshly grated ginger has to be dropped in boiling water and simmer for two whole minutes; only then do I add sugar and after another minute, the milk - my recipe for that mild honey colour that signals the perfect brew. I'll take the tea my mom prepares because I learnt how to make it from her and now I can't turn around and say - your tea sucks! - and it truly doesn't! It's actually very nice.

So, the reason I am randomly talking about tea now is that tea-time is one of the times (mealtimes are the other) when the kids know NOT to disturb me. I've drilled it into their heads really really well that Amma will not be disturbed during those times, come hell or high water. If they need to go to the loo, they go. If they need to be wiped, they sit on the pot until I am done eating/drinking. If they need something, they jolly well have to wait. I may rouse myself if one of them falls down and starts bleeding, but since that has not happened yet, I don't know what my actual reaction will be :) For all practical purposes, I am deaf and dumb during the 10-15 minutes that I take to sip my tea and the 15 minutes that I take over lunch or dinner. 

I wasn't like this until a year ago. After we moved to India, suddenly it all became a bit too much. Y was over a year old, the kids were interacting (and fighting) with each other all the time, S was never there and for all practical purposes, for almost a year, I was a single mom. I needed a mental space (physical space was impossible!) to retreat at periodic intervals and recoup and just be. I didn't want to talk, yell, soothe or mediate. Sometimes I didn't even want to think. I just wanted a little core of silence inside myself for a few minutes. The caffeine helped to calm horribly frayed nerves :) Call it some kind of mental pranayama; I found I was getting back to the kids in a better frame of mind.

I used to feel a little mean that I was denying myself to the kids when they needed me. But I told myself that they need to respect my limits and what better way to start than to start early and start small? Now, I enlist Ads' help to allow me to get my work done by telling him - Amma needs some peace and silence for some time, can you play quietly with Y and not disturb me for such-and-such time? And he always steps up, understands my need and more or less manages to help me out.

I never get to go out and socialize with friends on my own. Not that I have a huge bunch of people waiting to hang out with me - our multiple moves have made deep friendships difficult. The point is, even if I did, it would be hard to do. I don't mind all that much because I know kids get clingy and need mom around all the time at particular points in time and this phase will pass sooner or later. But if I didn't carve out time and space atleast to relish what I'm putting into my body, what's the point?

Okay - I'll admit it - I'm a chai addict and only created all this emotional-need-theory and faff to justify my two (or more) cuppa chais a day! 

What do you all do to get some breathing space from the kids (or family members, or husbands, or whatever?!)

Food....Y's worst enemy

The "picky eater" - it is a nice name for someone who drives their mother nuts!! Y has never been a great eater, right from the time she started solids around 5 months. She weighed a good 3.8 kg at birth but it's all been downhill from there. At one point she was at the 5th percentile for weight. I kid you not. From 3.8 kg to the 5th percentile. I asked her pediatrician (we lived in the US at the time) what he thought about it and he said he didn't see a problem. I wanted to conk him over the head. She had been dropping steadily from 50th, to 30th, to 25th, to 10th and now 5th percentile and he was ok with it???!!!! Pray, when would he start getting concerned? Rationally, I knew enough not to worry. One, she has the skinny genes. Ads for all his voracious eating has his ribs showing, stick-like arms and legs. Their father is slender. I don't put on weight that easily. Y will thank us for this genetic bonus when she is older. Two, she is super-active and I know that over the course of a week, she is probably getting most of her nutrient stock. Three, breastfed babies gain weight less rapidly than exclusively formula-fed babies, babies who are on a diet of breastmilk AND formula during the first 6 months of life, as well as babies who start solids before 6 months. This is something I learnt much after the 5th percentile episode. I wish I had learnt about it earlier since it would have saved me a lot of worry (and guilt, and having to counter unsolicited advice from people)

She is 2 and a half now and mealtimes are my least favourite part of the day. There are precisely 5 items that I know for sure she will eat - omelettes, roasted potato curry, plain white rice, chips and Haldiram bhujia. Except for the omelette, and I concede the potato as well, the other options are so unhealthy! And oh, she will eat anything that's savoury and fried. Murukku, thattai, seedai - all par for the course. I'm not one of those moms who will make a huge effort to churn out creative foodstuff for their kids. You know, the sandwich with the smiley face, the red pepper cut in the shape of a flower, that kind of thing? My rule is - no separate meals prepared for the kids after they start on real solids. They eat what I cook for the adults and if they don't like it, they just stay hungry. So Y has frequently eaten a meal of just rice, or just potato and I compensate by getting her to drain a glass of milk or Pediasure later (half of which she vomits out to spite me!) 

She's growing - more so in length - as well as can be expected. She's very bright and very active. So I shouldn't be worried, and I'm not, except that I think the need for moms to feed their children, and see them eating well, is such a strong emotional need that it takes a huge effort to break out of that mindset. Every now and then I succumb and feel guilty that I must not be trying hard enough, or I'm a lousy cook. Every now and then someone makes a comment like this: She must have developed a squint because she is underweight. Now that's a whopper to lay me low for the rest of the week!

Almost two and a half

If I haven't said anything about Y on these pages lately, it has been because I often wonder - "What should I say?" She's just your average 2-year old. Maybe a lot more loquacious than some, but essentially the same. Not that I don't, like every other mum, think in the deepest recesses of my heart that she is a prodigy-in-the-making and far more advanced than any of her peers :) But I think what is different about me is that I recognize that the things I used to ooh and aah over with Ads, are things that every child does, and so they don't seem that special any more that Y does them.

I have to admit how Y is different, though. She scares all of us! We are all a wee bit afraid of her and Ads has even taken to calling her Baby-ji - a term of respect due to her diva-like behaviour. So her other nickname is Diva. Well, everyone knows what a diva does and how she behaves and ours is just the same, twisting other lesser souls around her little fingers and having the hapless males of the house dancing to her tunes!

Girls. They're just so...........much..........FUN!!

On a more sober note, if she's like this when she's 2, how will she be when she's 3? We're in for a bumpy ride, I can tell.

In the zone

I've been neglecting my children. Big-time. You know that feeling when you get into the "zone"? When work, or the flow of words, or an art project, or in my case, studying, is going really well? When I understand everything I'm reading (which doesn't happen all that often, I can tell ya!), when I read a sample exam question and know right off how to structure the answer; better still, when I actually write for an hour and know that the answer is a kick-ass one? :) I'm there now. I have 3 weeks before the first examination. My mom (and until yesterday, my dad) responded to SOS calls and parked themselves in blistering hot Gurgaon so that I could maximise my study time. The consequence, a mother near-invisible in body and spirit. I don't feel too guilty about it because the kids are well-entertained and taken care of. Every now and then, I make myself available for a few absent-minded cuddles and kisses. I occasionally feed Y, take them to the park, or read to them, but the key word is occasionally.

It's not easy. I'm frequently annoyed when one of the kids comes running up to me when I am wrestling with a particularly difficult point and demands to be lifted up and made a fuss of. I feel enraged when they start fighting among themselves and I have to referee. It's painful when they don't eat dinner quickly because thanks to the moving men who broke my work-computer table, I only have the one table where I can spread out my laptop, books and notes. I'm exhausted and drained by 6 pm and feel guilty when I cannot muster up the energy to play with my kids before their bedtime. Yesterday, I kept Ads home from school because he had a bad cough. Guess what, surprise surprise, the cough disappeared as soon as the school bus left! They spent most of the rest of the hottest Monday in the last 4 years fighting amongst themselves, probably egged on by the heat and dust and the ennui that it invariably creates. Anything for a little excitement, what? Then Y insisted that I put her to bed, an undertaking I've been trying to avoid because put me in a darkened room at 8 pm and the odds are high that my body will hit the snooze button too and there will go my 2 hours of uninterrupted study! She was clinging to me, and I was trying to move away without offending her, because I love her and everything, and I would have loved one last cuddle before bedtime, but it was so HOT!

Aah..........even when I am ready to be fully present for my child, the weather conspires to defeat me!

Just noticed it's my 250th post! I thought I'd run out of writing material long before now :)

It's all right...

......as I knew it would be. Thanks for all the kind/encouraging words, everybody!!! Ads is doing reasonably well in adjusting to school. We've had a few bouts of crying and feeling rotten over the last few days but now he takes the bus to and from school and has fallen into a routine. What's really helped is that a lot of kids whom he sees three times a week at tennis lessons, also go to the same school, and some of them are even in the same class (although different sections). He has a few kids inside the complex whom he plays with on and off though I am yet to make any dent in the "mommy" network!

A few amusing incidents have taken place over the last fortnight. He goes to tennis coaching 3 days a week, Tuesday through Thursday, after school. There is this girl (from the same school and also in Class I) who was very friendly and super-helpful to him from Day one (when he was crying inside and outside the court). She's sort of become his anchor at tennis lessons and I often see them giggling together and talking (instead of hitting some shots.....waste of all that money, Ads!!!!) One evening, I dropped him off at the court, went back home because Y was still groggy from her afternoon nap and then came down again after an hour to pick him up. I was a few minutes early so I just hung around until he was ready. The kids were all spread out in a line and ready to play some game before the class broke up. The coach was shouting instructions. Ads suddenly hugs and kisses his friend (the girl I mentioned). He spots me, turns pink, and freezes for a couple of seconds. Then, very deliberately and with feigned casualness, he walks far away from her to the other end of the line! How did he learn to feel guilty about his act, and why did he feel the need to cover it up? I'm surprised because I know nothing S and I ever did or said could have contributed to his reaction on seeing my reaction.   Later, at home, he was mortified when I related the incident to my mom and I was laughing. Oops. S was told about it in strict confidence and I threatened him with dire consequences if he mentioned it to Ads. Typical reaction from S when I related this incident - "Tennis starts at Love all".

In the park, I ask him to actively get out there and make friends. I had suggested that he could go up to a kid who looked like his own age and maybe ask him their name, how old they were, and then take the conversation on from there. I don't think he heard the second part of my suggestion because now all he does is go up to a kid and ask him, in a very mechanised, robot-like fashion "What's your name? What's your age?", and then comes scurrying back to me! Pray, what does that achieve? I've asked him to go one step further and ask them if they want to play some game with him. I won't intervene any further with tips because he has to make friends in his own way and there is only so much I can help him. It would help if there were some moms around in the park who would also encourage their kids to play with other kids, but unfortunately I am almost always the only mom around. There are scores of maids sitting around, listening to their ipods, gossiping or talking on the phone. It's very annoying when I see so many of the maids who don't even bother keeping an eye on their wards, whether they are playing nicely, playing safely and not hurting themselves or others.

Forget the maids - do you know that I am now a proud grandmom?? Last weekend, we found Y lying down on the bed and Ads sawing at her stomach with a hacksaw, no less. He performed a quick blood-less C-section on my daughter and out came 2 stuffed toys (a tiger and a teddy bear). Y has named them after her 2 favourite second cousins. She spent a lot of time yesterday everyday feeding them, bathing them and taking care of them; but I think this whole motherhood thing got to her after a while (tell me about it, baby!) and she hasn't spared them a second glance since :)

KIDS. Who needs entertainment when they are around.

Bye-bye and have a nice day. This is Y's standard comment to all and sundry, whatever the time of day and even if nobody is going bye-bye!

Head vs heart

I spent most of my school life being the outsider. The new kid who joined school, often in the middle of the session, when the 'gangs' had already been formed. The kid who hardly ever stayed for more than a year. I had friends, some of whom I am in touch with even now, but until I reached high school, I formed no special attachments, either to school or to people. So I can't relate to people who have friends they've known from kindergarten - it seems utterly strange to me that such a thing could happen! Post- marriage and kids, the scenario hasn't changed all that much and I'm still the perennial outsider - the mom who isn't part of any of the mommy cliques, who has to stand around awkwardly at the bus stop before mustering up the courage to go up to other parents and introduce herself.

So if there is one aspect of life where I can totally empathize with Ads, it is this. I get it - completely. I know exactly how he feels on the first day (or week, or month!) of school - the choking sensation in the throat, the uncomfortable feeling in the chest, the need to go to the bathroom multiple times! I get the misery of not knowing anybody, the urge to have friends but the lack of means to make them, the dire need of burying one's face in amma's stomach and not letting go. I'm actually illogically angry at myself for putting him in the situation where he has to adjust to a new environment every year. 5 years old, and this is his 4th school already. I'm resolved that for the next 3 years (what's the magic in that number? I donno. It seems right though) atleast, we will stay put in Gurgaon and not move him around.

S and I have talked about this and S feels that for a kid as scared of change as Ads is, this experience of constant change, is important. My clear logical brain tells me that he is right. But who is to explain to my heart, that boils over with pain and guilt, every time my darling cries? I know from my own experience that all that shuttling around in the early years didn't do me any harm, however much I may have disliked it at that point in time. In point of fact, it did nothing but a lot of good. 

How much of parenting is just second-guessing and hindsight, sprinkled over with insane amounts of ill-deserved guilt?!!

I did it! (err...she did it?)

You know those moms who tell you that their child got potty-trained in 3 days...or gasp....1 day flat and that was it? I've had many of those mom friends. I've envied them and I've also, oftentimes, thought they were just bluffing. I simply could not believe it, because it was such a Godawful freakishly hard experience to potty-train Ads that accepting that it could be done easily was somehow a testament to my incompetence and nincompoop-ness! I started training Ads when he was 18 months old (proof enough that starting earlier equals finishing later!) and it took more than one and a half years for him to get potty-trained. It was frustrating and exhausting, to say the least. 

I hoped against hope that Y would be easier. So many people had said that girls are easier to potty-train than boys. I am super-duper happy to report that my trooper has potty-trained herself, with little or no input from me,  in just a couple of days!!! Wow....those stories are really true...:) She's still in diapers when we go out and when she sleeps but I notice she's always dry so she looks like she's ready for a diaper-free existence as soon as I can locate that plastic sheet I'd kept aside for just this purpose :)

Why do I feel like I've achieved something when in fact all I've done is clap and cheer a few times?!!!