Parenting young adults

My kids .....oops.... my young adults... are (almost) 18 and 21.

The lifestage I looked forward to, even yearned for, for years and years, has finally arrived. A couple of years ago, something shifted, and did so quite beautifully. When Advaith left home, he went to a school that was far away (11 hours by car, 2 hours by air IF we managed to get a direct flight). We couldn't just pop over with a homemade meal, rush to take his temperature, or have him come home for the weekend. The husband, who left home at the age of 16 and later went to college a good 1700 miles away from his family, opined that going so far away would turn out to be a very good decision. He was so right!

In the past 3 years, Ads has navigated painful health issues, figured out insurance, physician referrals, and orthopedic and physical therapy appointments. He found an apartment and moved there. His apartment flooded, and he had to move out for weeks (and move back in after repairs were complete). The flooding damaged his laptop and other appliances in the house. The dishwasher and AC gave constant trouble. He fell ill with viral infections a couple of times (that we know of). We were not there to help him with any of these things. He will graduate with a double major, but his real education has all happened outside the classroom. 

In these 3 years, our relationship has completely shifted. We were parents who shaped every decision, were responsible for his safety and well-being, and our dynamic was rooted, however softly, in authority. Now, we have to let go of the authority and the all-encompassing feeling of responsibility. Over the years, starting in high school, I have trained myself NOT to intervene and provide a solution. Biting my tongue several times a day is par for the course :) 

The shift to parenting adults requires more from us than it does from them. It is our role that must change, not theirs. There is a constant tension between restraint and instinct. I've personally had to reframe my responsibility from outcome to presence. Be that safe space, that judgment-free zone, that friend. But don't really believe that you can transition fully from parent to friend. Being a friend is easy :) I've always maintained to my kids that I am not here to win a popularity contest, but to be your parent. Friends want you to like them, but parents can exist comfortably inside their child's dislike :) 

Another School Year (2025)

My Facebook and Insta feed is inundated with first day of school photos. Wide toothy smiles, proud mama and papa bears, the excitement and promise radiating even through the screen. S comes back from his walk and reports how our bus stop was full of enthusiastic kids and relieved parents, some kids going to kindergarten and public school, for the very first time. I immediately wish I had been there. Not that I feel nostalgic for those days. With my children being in a different city and school every year or every second year, these occasions were never happy but instead filled with dread and anxiety. I mostly recall feeling nauseous for the whole day until the kids came back and were able to report being reasonably comfortable in their new environment.

Still...time heals these scars :) I shoot off multiple good-luck texts to friends and neighbors who I know have kids entering elementary, middle and high schools. I know they will be anxious and emotional, whatever the milestone.

In my own home, things are quiet. Y has applied and got a parking spot in her school premises, and for weeks we have been arguing on the advisability of driving to school every day. We the parents insist she can take the bus; she is appalled at having to ride with "the babies"! The babies are all in high school, by the way! For now, she has lent her parking spot to a friend who will be driving to school everyday; in return, this friend will give Y a ride every morning. 

Today, she informs me she doesn't need breakfast. She and her friend will stop at Starbucks on the way and grab something. She requests her favorite paneer sandwich for lunch though. Before I know it, she is out of the house and I haven't clicked a photo like I usually do. 

She is back at 5, and I can already see a halo of stress around her. She reminds me that he is now an "upperclassman". She has begun to predict which of her teachers will be harsh graders. She wants to start a club at her school. Homework has already been assigned on the first day. Junior year, that bogeyman of high school, is on its way :) 

Y's summer so far

Y's summer has been busy. She recently completed her "Behind The Wheel" course and has her official driver's license!! She has been lobbying to take the car to school next year (junior year, 11th grade), and I have been holding the line at 'no.' She started her internship with our school district some time ago, and so far it has been going really great. This is the first time the district has inducted high school interns, and they have been giving them some good projects to work on. I think she will learn a lot.

Y recently won the 1st prize at a local poetry contest. She had submitted on a whim, after I informed her the first prize was $100 :) She hasn't been writing consistently, which is a pity, so it takes a contest or an assignment for her to get over her writer's block. She wrote a poem about social media, which I guess resonated with the judging panel. Here is the poem: 

Post Me Into Memory

I share a thought,

a broken shard of something larger,

held just right to catch the light.

A caption that has been trimmed and rehearsed,

but meant to look effortless.

A photo of my breakfast,

but what I meant was: I am still here.

A sunset flick,

but what I meant was: I wish this peace would last forever.

We chase the dopamine in digital echoes,

Likes captured like fireflies in a jar,

briefly bright,

yet always fading.

But there’s something raw

in this endless reaching-

some deep, human emotions,

woven into pixels and code.

See me. Remember I was here.

It somehow seems like the oldest thing of all-

carving stories into the cave walls,

etching names into the bark,

longing to be forever.

This is 16

Long cascading hair

You’ve learned new terminology

-heatless curls 

-lymphatic drainage 

-contouring 

New brands 

-Edikted (not “addicted”!)

-Brandy

-Uggs (ugh-ly!)

This is 16

It’s so GenX to use punctuation

Her teachers are so annoying

Sometimes she just hates everybody

and sometimes everybody hates her

Size 7 feet

Hands that can wield a makeup brush like a master

Rolling-eye and sarcasm expert 

Tries to make jokes, that fall flat; 

they crack her up anyway

This is 16

Learning to drive

Doesn't know how to parallel park

Doesn't hear you. Hears every word when you’re talking to your best friend on the phone,

or to your husband (about her) 

Loves to talk about her day

Stops in the middle of a sentence 

when she realizes it's TMI

This is 16

Dramatic. Independent. Opinionated. 

Loves to loll in her bed

in her messy room

clothes and makeup everywhere 

She needs you

except when she doesn’t

and she is “over stimulated” and can’t bear you being close

This is 16

Sometimes she is a social butterfly

and sometimes she has social anxiety

She needs things to be aesthetic 

She can tell at a glance that you made an ugly PowerPoint 

She always smells amazing

Sometimes you shower in her bathroom because she has better products than you do

This is 16

Graceful. Radiantly beautiful. 

She scrolls through her phone on the couch 

For a second you see a glimpse of the little girl she used to be, glasses and all. 

You insist on showing her old baby pictures

and she smiles tolerantly 

This is 16

More dazzling and complicated than you ever imagined it would be 

Those playground squabbles and make-believe games? 

You smile at how simple it seemed then

What you thought they were testing your patience and your resolve, 

that was just some limbering up

for what’s coming 

In 2 years she will spread her wings

You push that thought away

For now

it is enough that she wants to cuddle up with you before you go to sleep

(you always go to bed before her)

That she usually wants to watch a rom-com with you on the weekend 

that you can both groove to Hamilton and Mamma Mia

and you can both cite every dialogue from Notting Hill 

For now, it is enough 

That she likes to shop with you 

and sit alongside on the floor at Barnes and Noble

nose deep in a book 

That you change her sheets every week even though you scold her for not doing it 

That you can still make her favorite vodka pasta 

That she still sends you a text that just says 

mummmmmaaaaa

This is 16

This is magnificent

Spring break in Bay Area

The kids' calendars aligned for spring break, so we decided to spend it in the SFO Bay area. We have been planning to visit the Bay Area for a long time. S and I have such fond memories from our time there many years ago (and this blog was born there!)

Our agenda was comprised of meeting lots and lots of friends, cousins, and relatives and eating some amazing meals along the way. Managed a couple of hikes as well, one in Fremont and a couple in Sausalito and San Jose. They reminded us of why we'd fallen in love with this area in the first place. We spent a day showing the kids around SFO - Golden Gate Bridge, Ghirardelli Square, Pier 39,  Fisherman's wharf, Salesforce Tower etc. 

2023 Recap

What a whirlwind year 2023 has been! 

THE most eventful year of our married life. 

January - we started seeing our new house coming up. What had been mud and stones in late 2022 started taking shape slowly.

I went to NYC for a few days of Board meetings (where I was inducted as Board Chair), followed by a very adventurous road trip in Arizona with my dear friend J.

The minute we landed in Phoenix, S told me the good news that Ads had been admitted to UW-Madison.

February - I joined my lovely Zumba class. 

The four of us went to DC to see Jerry Seinfeld in the flesh. 

March - Spring! Lots and lots of lovely flowers and sunnier days. We went to DC and Maryland to see the cherry blossoms.

April - To the coast (Hampton) for spring break, a nice week staying in a quiet airbnb. 

I participated in the World Bank Spring meetings in DC and moderated a panel on Climate and Health, which I was super nervous about. There was a lot of prep involved and we didn't have a great turnout but it was a good experience. 

We closed on the new house and my cousin and her husband came over and did a small pooja for us.

We got a lot of vendors into the house for putting up blinds, closets, etc etc.

May - Yukta had her homecoming dance. 

I went to Bangalore on work. Also spent a few days with my folks in Chennai and with friends in Bangalore. Bonus: Attending a close friend's son's poonal and a niece's engagement in Chennai.

However, my trip meant that I was not there for S's birthday this year. He and the kids went to New Jersey to attend a family wedding when I was away. 

June - The craziest month of the year! It started with Ads' high school graduation just a day after I landed back in the US.

My colleagues from Bangalore visited for a few days of meetings in DC. 

As soon as the school year ended, we moved into the new house. It was a real pang leaving our Chantilly home of 5 years. 

We worked like mad getting the house in order and within a week left for a few day's break in Chicago and then on to Madison for Ads' orientation. Blown away by the beautiful campus and the clockwork manner in which the parent's and student's orientations were organized.

Met my old college buddy Sow after 20 years!

July - Watched the Independence Day fireworks with Y, live for the first time.

S's parents arrived. 

We went on a road trip to Philly and New Jersey, where we also had a mini IIMB reunion. S then took his parents to NYC while I came back home with Y

August - S took his parents to Niagara Falls.

My mil's bday and Ads turned 18!

We went to Ocean City for a few days to celebrate the last days of summer. We also visited Chincoteague and Assateague. It was a lovely trip with warm sunny weather. 

Y started her freshman year in the new school. 

We dropped Ads at his new home for the next 4 years - Madison. 

September - My birthday! I went to Houston for my uncle's 60th birthday pooja.

Then to NYC for UN week. It was my first time at UNGA and NYC was even crazier than usual. Great experience speaking at a panel on reproductive justice and meeting lots of folks. Bonus: spending time with my friend J.

S started a new job at Stout, ending a solid 11 years at Grant Thornton.

October - Trip to Shenandoah NP.

Golu at the new house, our biggest one yet and the first time I have a proper stand. Invited a ton of people and for 3 days the house was buzzing. 

The fall colors in 2023 were spectacular and S and I took many many walks documenting the vivid foliage. 

We went to Hershey's Chocolate World for my fil's birthday and he was like a kid in THE candy store!

November - Y's 15th birthday.

I went to upstate New York for a conference.

My in-laws returned to India.

Diwali. My neighbors and I organized a get-together with food and fireworks for the community which was a lot of fun. 

Ads came back home for Thanksgiving and we had a nice lunch at my cousin's place. I learned how to make mashed potatoes and gravy!

Our new dentist found a worrying cyst in Y's mouth and she had to have a biopsy. It turned out to be a benign water cyst which needed a second surgery to remove.

December - Yukta's surgery to remove the cyst and subsequent few days of recovery. 

We went to the Dominican Republic for a few days and it was a gorgeous and relaxed finale to a super eventful year.

Whew!!

We hosted a lot of people last year- lots of lunches, dinners, and high teas (the last with our new neighbors in a bid to get to know everyone better), plus family who came to stay. My culinary skills definitely improved. I learned how to make Indian bakery-style vegetable puffs from scratch, and other things with puff pastry. 

Grateful for all the relationships we were able to nourish, all the transitions we navigated with relative ease, our new house with its beautiful mountain views, and neighbors all of whom are really nice and friendly. 

Lots of things to look forward to in 2024. But that's another post!

The Gratitude Project - Update 2023

A few years ago, we embarked on an ambitious “Gratitude project”. I was reading my old post where I wrote:

“Our family is definitely more grateful for all that we have! We are closer, more connected, more mindful. I personally feel more centered and conscious when I am not fully present for the people that matter. I am more proactive about being in the moment and can reset quickly when I am not. For someone who tends to have a million different things running through her mind all the time, this has been a big achievement.

The children are more centered too. They have learned to articulate and contemplate their feelings and emotions better than before. Are they more empathetic? I don’t know, but they know they need to be! Are they more resilient? Only time will tell, though I strongly feel that their can-do attitude and calm courage while negotiating a big cross-continent transition this year, is due in big part to the Gratitude Project!”

Fast forward four years, where are we? It has been hard to keep the practice going, no doubt about that. The initial enthusiasm with which we began and pursued it in the first few years was bound to plateau as the kids became teenagers (hence less amenable to listening to us), and as the family dealt with the logistical challenges of different schedules. With daily gratitude circles, monthly meetings, and annual goal-setting sessions, the 2 MBAs in the house I fear managed to make it all feel like being in an office with KRAs and OKRs to get behind :)

I have also been reflecting on the myriad ways in which we talk about privilege, a word that is bandied about quite loosely nowadays but not something that was consciously thought about as my generation was growing up. Perhaps we didn’t have the vocabulary for it then; though in fact, I was a child of privilege as much as my parents were (as successive generations kept climbing up the privilege ladder). So to accuse my kids, not directly but subtextually of being privileged seems not just disingenuous but also ironical. I am trying not to do it. I understand that my generation was fortunate to reap extraordinary gains during a period of history when the rising tide lifted our boats higher than those of many others. We could attribute our material success to our incredible efforts and hard work and that makes a great story to tell our kids (as if they care!) but fact is we are as much the lucky winners of the birth lottery as they are. So ever so often if it seems that our kids are unconscious of their astounding luck and “entitled”, yes of course they are, wouldn’t you be in their place? They have no real understanding of what it took to get here; and telling them that grandfather walked barefoot 10 kilometers in the blazing son to go to school is like one of those Amar Chitra Katha stories- fascinating but nothing to do with their life :) 

So I bite my tongue when Y complains about how her English teacher hates her, even though I’d like to remind her, to put her problems in perspective, about the children suffering in Gaza. It’s taken me time to understand that gratitude and compassion can be cultivated without forcibly injecting privilege into the conversation. I have to hope that within the narrow confines of their current worlds, our kids have enough interactions with a wide enough range of people to understand their place in the world (being in public school helps). When Y tells me about her friends who cannot wear what they want, or who aren’t allowed to go out and socialize with their friends, or who have troubled family lives, she understands how privileged she is, and I expect she is grateful for it. 

Building the gratitude muscle in the kids has been a journey of letting my parenting evolve as well. So much of good parenting is “Show, not Tell”. So we make it obvious how we live life with an attitude of gratitude and hope that being a good(ish) role model will do the trick. Until then, we turn into irritating nags who insist that the family gathers for monthly meetings (and the kids are so good at deflecting these requests so that the meetings never happen). Last week, Y was annoyed that she and her brother were trapped in an impromptu “monthly meeting” in the car while we were waiting for our table to be ready at a restaurant. Conditions were perfect as it was brutally cold outside and we knew they wouldn’t just walk off :)