Parenting young adults

My kids .....oops.... my young adults... are (almost) 18 and 21.

The lifestage I looked forward to, even yearned for, for years and years, has finally arrived. A couple of years ago, something shifted, and did so quite beautifully. When Advaith left home, he went to a school that was far away (11 hours by car, 2 hours by air IF we managed to get a direct flight). We couldn't just pop over with a homemade meal, rush to take his temperature, or have him come home for the weekend. The husband, who left home at the age of 16 and later went to college a good 1700 miles away from his family, opined that going so far away would turn out to be a very good decision. He was so right!

In the past 3 years, Ads has navigated painful health issues, figured out insurance, physician referrals, and orthopedic and physical therapy appointments. He found an apartment and moved there. His apartment flooded, and he had to move out for weeks (and move back in after repairs were complete). The flooding damaged his laptop and other appliances in the house. The dishwasher and AC gave constant trouble. He fell ill with viral infections a couple of times (that we know of). We were not there to help him with any of these things. He will graduate with a double major, but his real education has all happened outside the classroom. 

In these 3 years, our relationship has completely shifted. We were parents who shaped every decision, were responsible for his safety and well-being, and our dynamic was rooted, however softly, in authority. Now, we have to let go of the authority and the all-encompassing feeling of responsibility. Over the years, starting in high school, I have trained myself NOT to intervene and provide a solution. Biting my tongue several times a day is par for the course :) 

The shift to parenting adults requires more from us than it does from them. It is our role that must change, not theirs. There is a constant tension between restraint and instinct. I've personally had to reframe my responsibility from outcome to presence. Be that safe space, that judgment-free zone, that friend. But don't really believe that you can transition fully from parent to friend. Being a friend is easy :) I've always maintained to my kids that I am not here to win a popularity contest, but to be your parent. Friends want you to like them, but parents can exist comfortably inside their child's dislike :) 

An accident

Shortly after we came back from our spring break vacation, Y had a bad car accident. Fortunately for her, it happened just outside her school during the morning school rush. She was driving alone in the car, and was hit by another kid driving 60 mph in a 35 mph school zone. Technically, she was at fault ("failure to yield on a left turn"), but the other kid was speeding so much she never saw him, even after she exercised due caution while turning. 

Our car flipped a whole 90 degrees and came to rest on its side. Thank God for airbags and seatbelts, which saved her life. She was very shaken but thankfully unhurt except for a few minor scrapes and bruises. More importantly, there was no drama or hysterics, and she stayed very calm throughout the whole ordeal. The car was totaled, though, and we had to get a new one at short notice.

Our family seems to specialize in near-death experiences :( 

Thank God we all inherited a sense of humor. For several weeks afterward, Yukta claimed that she had a "new perspective" on life. In the midst of a gossip session, she would deadpan, "I don't judge people anymore" or "I'm a judgement-free zone".

The girl can make me laugh even after going through a traumatizing experience! Cheers to that!

Goal-setting for 2026

As a family, we have implemented some good practices in the last few years. A daily gratitude ritual, monthly meetings, and annual goal-setting exercises - all of these got some good traction, and we were able to persevere for a year or two, but they have all been discontinued now. I tend to be hopeful that we will start doing some of these again, and I am not despondent that we stopped. Given the busyness of work and home, misaligned schedules, and differing priorities, it's a testament to our teamwork that we managed to do these as long as we did. I am happy that S and I continue to follow these rituals for ourselves, if not as a group.

For a few years now, I have set annual goals for myself. In the past few years, I have distilled them into 6 "buckets" or areas that I would like to focus on. These buckets are-

• Wellness- mental and physical. If I were spiritual/religious, this bucket would cover body, mind and soul :) 
• Career
• Family - immediate and extended family 
• Relationships - friends and non-familial social connections 
• Community - how I give back/philanthropy
• Creative - music, painting, writing, etc 

I find these distinctions to be very useful in striking a balance between different aspects of my life and personality. It gives me control over where I spend my time. Since these are annual goals, I might over-invest in one area at one point in the year and under-invest in others, but the idea is to balance it all out over the year. The biggest challenge, of course, has been what goals to set. I want to challenge myself, but not at the expense of overextending and failing. For example, the "wellness" bucket gives me pause every year. My goals in this area are things that have become such an integral part of my routine over the years that it feels disingenuous to even call them goals. Since I don't aim to become an Ironman or run a marathon ever, these goals are more about consistency than being better year on year. I guess, consistency is its own goal and reward!

I also set an intention for the year. Last year, being a year of many milestones, was "Connect & Celebrate". My intention for 2026 is "Build". Will not elaborate on it other than to say that setting an intention, corny as it sounds, serves to anchor me in what I think is really important for this year. Almost every goal flows from that intention and is connected to it in some way. 

Setting annual goals like this was a little intimidating to me at first. But now I look forward so much to reflecting on the year past, and the year ahead, and thinking about what I can do better, both for myself and those around me. Otherwise, it's so easy to get caught up in a mindless treadmill and lose sight of what is truly important.

My report card for 2025 was pretty good and hope to continue this winning streak in 2026 as well. 

2025 Recap

 Time to do a recap of the year gone by, before Q1 ends!

January - meeting friends and starting our local philanthropy at a giving circle started by a friend. It's called the Immigrant Giving Circle. 

February -New York for a board meeting. By chance, my brother was there at the same time, and we met for breakfast! Did a FREEZING guided walk in the Lower East Side with a friend's son. It would have been more enjoyable if I hadn't felt that my fingers and toes were frostbitten.

March - Walking tour of Leesburg with friends (again, freezing!) Ads was home for spring break so for the first time, all four of us went to the Tidal Basin for cherry blossoms.

Started a new job as Operations Director in a local nonprofit and was so happy!

April - first concert of the year at the temple. Bluebell season!

The highlight of April was spring break with Yukta in Belize. What a wonderful time we had! Truly relaxed, blissful, and great weather. I'd go back again in a jiffy.

Gave our first grant from the Immigrant Giving Circle, and had a nice event at the Community Foundation in Leesburg.

May - Bethany Beach, Delaware, for Memorial Day. Karaoke, beach, lots of fun! S's birthday at home.

June - Our 25th wedding anniversary! Ads was back in Madison for his internship so S, Y and I went out for a lovely dinner. A week later, Ads came to babysit his sister. S & I flew to Bozemen, MT, for a long-awaited week in Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks. It was all we expected it to be, and more. 

Also June and into the Independence Day weekend, we went to see Ads at Madison and squeezed in 2 college tours at Purdue and Indiana University. The weather was fabulous (warm). S & I did a day trip to Devil's Lake State Park in Wisconsin and hiked there. 

July (end)- I flew to Vancouver for a family reunion. We took a ferry to Victoria on Vancouver Island and had a wonderful 3 days of family bonding and celebrating multiple milestone birthdays.

August- Adv is finally out his teens! His 20th birthday at home. Sheila came from Mumbai to spend a few days with us. I took her to DC and Great Falls. Joyee and Piyush showed up a few days later. 

September - the BEST month ever! My 50th birthday, and so many events leading up to it. Lunch and wine at Stone Tower winery, hiking at Harper's Ferry, English tea at Mocatinos, lunch at Zaytinya in DC (where a couple of our friends surprised me!), and a big surprise birthday party organized by the neighbors. What more can a girl ask for! To be surrounded by friends and family, sweet neighbors, and to get a birthday video from friends who could not be there. 

At the end of September, our big gala at work. where I was announced as the new Executive Director of the organization. Navarathri was low-key this time as I couldn't host at home due to the gala. Still managed to visit others' Golus.

October - visit of friends from Mumbai. Fall colors. New Mexico with Joyee. Diwali, at home, Hillside party. Spent a couple of nights in DC for a board meeting. 

November - New York for Y's birthday. Mamma Mia and Hamilton shows, fall colors in Central Park. Downton Abbey Tea with friends - had so much fun! Thanksgiving was quiet and at home.

December - Egypt! A bucket-list trip for sure. 

Epic year, 2025.

A Sunday

Sunday evening. 

I have just dropped Ads to the airport as he heads back to college after a few days at home. Y has taken herself off to a garba event. S is in Chicago with his friends. The house is eerily silent as I sit on the couch, sending off some work emails and planning for the week ahead while half-watching a show on Netflix. 

I am relishing every moment of this solitude. Dinner was a simple salad. No one to cook for feels like a luxury. Then it comes to me. How this pattern is going to repeat itself ad nauseam over the next few years (decades?). Me alone, or me and S doing our own thing, with our kids dispersed, who knows where.
For those long years in the parenting trenches, I craved for evenings like this. No responsibility, no plans, nobody to take care of. Now I seem to have climbed out of that muddy trench, and I am looking around at the vistas of possibility opening up around me. Yet, I know that one day in the near future, I may very much miss my messy trench and the life I lived there!

It has been established that women's brains soften or edit the pain of childbirth, an evolutionary strategy designed to promote future reproduction. I dare say the same happens with parenting as well! 

The Thank You Project

For years, I’ve known how I wanted to mark my 50^th birthday. I’m not a big partier, but I do love to travel, so I asked my closest friends to give me a birthday gift - of their precious time. A weekend or more, so that we could go on a fun trip and make some wonderful memories. Everyone was on board and quite enthusiastic, and in late 2024, I started planning those (multiple) trips in earnest.

Around the same time, I began to notice that my daily gratitude practice was evolving and deepening, and one of the things I was consistently thankful for was my relationships with family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. The idea of writing a thank you letter to all the important people in my life as a way of honoring my journey and the people who have been an important part of it began germinating in my head.

The Universe has a way of responding to our thoughts and intentions, and it so happened that on my morning walk, one of my favorite podcasters was interviewing a woman called Nancy Davis, who had written a book called “The Thank You Project” which was about the exact same idea I’d just had! Nancy Davis wrote 50 thank-you letters to the important people, places, and things in her life, to mark her 50 years on earth. She wrote thank-you letters to cities she’d lived in and loved, musicians she admired, and even people who’d passed away.

That seemed like a bit too much work! 50 letters! I dismissed it out of hand. And then what would I do to mark my 60^th birthday?!! Even before reading Nancy’s book, I had decided to use the following criteria to decide who would get a letter. It had to be someone I’d known at least for a couple of decades, someone who’d had a big impact on my life, someone whom I was very fond of. I used the AND operator instead of OR, as the latter would have created a fairly large list. I would have had to quit my job and write letters full-time! The names of some terrible bosses and toxic friends come to mind if we are talking about a lasting impact on my life:) 

My final list consisted of 14 people. I decided that each of them would get a handwritten and heartfelt thank-you letter. Husband, kids, parents, and sibling got automatic spots (somewhat like US college legacy admissions!). Along the way, the handwritten part was discarded, and I settled for a calligraphy font, nice paper, and signing my name at the end. For my friends, I also included a couple of snapshots of us together. 

The experience of crafting these letters was intensely therapeutic. Finding things to write about was not a problem. Broadly, I would mention how I had met this person, our shared experiences, and how this person had helped/shaped/inspired me. I ended each letter with a wish or positive affirmation and some hopes for our future time together.

The time I spent thinking of that person, funnily enough, became its own prayer of thanksgiving, an unexpected meditation of sorts that made this project a labor of love in the truest sense.

Letters to my parents and my kids were obviously the hardest to write. The material was too much, there was too much to say, and I was tearing up before I had written five lines. I gave myself 4 months to finish all the letters (giving ample buffer time for the emotional labour involved :)). As it happened, it took longer; I started in January and finished only in June.

Was it fun? Yes, it was fun, and funny, and sad. Lots of feelings and memories came up (good and bad, free therapy!) I was relieved, happy, and even more grateful when I finished. I will hand over the letters with no expectation other than that they will be read. I think of the project as a gift to myself rather than to the recipients of the letters.

I have a copy of all the letters, and it’ll be nice to read them over every now and then and savor my incredible good luck. I will have a longer list of people to write to if I make it past another decade!

Another School Year (2025)

My Facebook and Insta feed is inundated with first day of school photos. Wide toothy smiles, proud mama and papa bears, the excitement and promise radiating even through the screen. S comes back from his walk and reports how our bus stop was full of enthusiastic kids and relieved parents, some kids going to kindergarten and public school, for the very first time. I immediately wish I had been there. Not that I feel nostalgic for those days. With my children being in a different city and school every year or every second year, these occasions were never happy but instead filled with dread and anxiety. I mostly recall feeling nauseous for the whole day until the kids came back and were able to report being reasonably comfortable in their new environment.

Still...time heals these scars :) I shoot off multiple good-luck texts to friends and neighbors who I know have kids entering elementary, middle and high schools. I know they will be anxious and emotional, whatever the milestone.

In my own home, things are quiet. Y has applied and got a parking spot in her school premises, and for weeks we have been arguing on the advisability of driving to school every day. We the parents insist she can take the bus; she is appalled at having to ride with "the babies"! The babies are all in high school, by the way! For now, she has lent her parking spot to a friend who will be driving to school everyday; in return, this friend will give Y a ride every morning. 

Today, she informs me she doesn't need breakfast. She and her friend will stop at Starbucks on the way and grab something. She requests her favorite paneer sandwich for lunch though. Before I know it, she is out of the house and I haven't clicked a photo like I usually do. 

She is back at 5, and I can already see a halo of stress around her. She reminds me that he is now an "upperclassman". She has begun to predict which of her teachers will be harsh graders. She wants to start a club at her school. Homework has already been assigned on the first day. Junior year, that bogeyman of high school, is on its way :) 

Y's summer so far

Y's summer has been busy. She recently completed her "Behind The Wheel" course and has her official driver's license!! She has been lobbying to take the car to school next year (junior year, 11th grade), and I have been holding the line at 'no.' She started her internship with our school district some time ago, and so far it has been going really great. This is the first time the district has inducted high school interns, and they have been giving them some good projects to work on. I think she will learn a lot.

Y recently won the 1st prize at a local poetry contest. She had submitted on a whim, after I informed her the first prize was $100 :) She hasn't been writing consistently, which is a pity, so it takes a contest or an assignment for her to get over her writer's block. She wrote a poem about social media, which I guess resonated with the judging panel. Here is the poem: 

Post Me Into Memory

I share a thought,

a broken shard of something larger,

held just right to catch the light.

A caption that has been trimmed and rehearsed,

but meant to look effortless.

A photo of my breakfast,

but what I meant was: I am still here.

A sunset flick,

but what I meant was: I wish this peace would last forever.

We chase the dopamine in digital echoes,

Likes captured like fireflies in a jar,

briefly bright,

yet always fading.

But there’s something raw

in this endless reaching-

some deep, human emotions,

woven into pixels and code.

See me. Remember I was here.

It somehow seems like the oldest thing of all-

carving stories into the cave walls,

etching names into the bark,

longing to be forever.