Parenting young adults

My kids .....oops.... my young adults... are (almost) 18 and 21.

The lifestage I looked forward to, even yearned for, for years and years, has finally arrived. A couple of years ago, something shifted, and did so quite beautifully. When Advaith left home, he went to a school that was far away (11 hours by car, 2 hours by air IF we managed to get a direct flight). We couldn't just pop over with a homemade meal, rush to take his temperature, or have him come home for the weekend. The husband, who left home at the age of 16 and later went to college a good 1700 miles away from his family, opined that going so far away would turn out to be a very good decision. He was so right!

In the past 3 years, Ads has navigated painful health issues, figured out insurance, physician referrals, and orthopedic and physical therapy appointments. He found an apartment and moved there. His apartment flooded, and he had to move out for weeks (and move back in after repairs were complete). The flooding damaged his laptop and other appliances in the house. The dishwasher and AC gave constant trouble. He fell ill with viral infections a couple of times (that we know of). We were not there to help him with any of these things. He will graduate with a double major, but his real education has all happened outside the classroom. 

In these 3 years, our relationship has completely shifted. We were parents who shaped every decision, were responsible for his safety and well-being, and our dynamic was rooted, however softly, in authority. Now, we have to let go of the authority and the all-encompassing feeling of responsibility. Over the years, starting in high school, I have trained myself NOT to intervene and provide a solution. Biting my tongue several times a day is par for the course :) 

The shift to parenting adults requires more from us than it does from them. It is our role that must change, not theirs. There is a constant tension between restraint and instinct. I've personally had to reframe my responsibility from outcome to presence. Be that safe space, that judgment-free zone, that friend. But don't really believe that you can transition fully from parent to friend. Being a friend is easy :) I've always maintained to my kids that I am not here to win a popularity contest, but to be your parent. Friends want you to like them, but parents can exist comfortably inside their child's dislike :) 

2023 Recap

What a whirlwind year 2023 has been! 

THE most eventful year of our married life. 

January - we started seeing our new house coming up. What had been mud and stones in late 2022 started taking shape slowly.

I went to NYC for a few days of Board meetings (where I was inducted as Board Chair), followed by a very adventurous road trip in Arizona with my dear friend J.

The minute we landed in Phoenix, S told me the good news that Ads had been admitted to UW-Madison.

February - I joined my lovely Zumba class. 

The four of us went to DC to see Jerry Seinfeld in the flesh. 

March - Spring! Lots and lots of lovely flowers and sunnier days. We went to DC and Maryland to see the cherry blossoms.

April - To the coast (Hampton) for spring break, a nice week staying in a quiet airbnb. 

I participated in the World Bank Spring meetings in DC and moderated a panel on Climate and Health, which I was super nervous about. There was a lot of prep involved and we didn't have a great turnout but it was a good experience. 

We closed on the new house and my cousin and her husband came over and did a small pooja for us.

We got a lot of vendors into the house for putting up blinds, closets, etc etc.

May - Yukta had her homecoming dance. 

I went to Bangalore on work. Also spent a few days with my folks in Chennai and with friends in Bangalore. Bonus: Attending a close friend's son's poonal and a niece's engagement in Chennai.

However, my trip meant that I was not there for S's birthday this year. He and the kids went to New Jersey to attend a family wedding when I was away. 

June - The craziest month of the year! It started with Ads' high school graduation just a day after I landed back in the US.

My colleagues from Bangalore visited for a few days of meetings in DC. 

As soon as the school year ended, we moved into the new house. It was a real pang leaving our Chantilly home of 5 years. 

We worked like mad getting the house in order and within a week left for a few day's break in Chicago and then on to Madison for Ads' orientation. Blown away by the beautiful campus and the clockwork manner in which the parent's and student's orientations were organized.

Met my old college buddy Sow after 20 years!

July - Watched the Independence Day fireworks with Y, live for the first time.

S's parents arrived. 

We went on a road trip to Philly and New Jersey, where we also had a mini IIMB reunion. S then took his parents to NYC while I came back home with Y

August - S took his parents to Niagara Falls.

My mil's bday and Ads turned 18!

We went to Ocean City for a few days to celebrate the last days of summer. We also visited Chincoteague and Assateague. It was a lovely trip with warm sunny weather. 

Y started her freshman year in the new school. 

We dropped Ads at his new home for the next 4 years - Madison. 

September - My birthday! I went to Houston for my uncle's 60th birthday pooja.

Then to NYC for UN week. It was my first time at UNGA and NYC was even crazier than usual. Great experience speaking at a panel on reproductive justice and meeting lots of folks. Bonus: spending time with my friend J.

S started a new job at Stout, ending a solid 11 years at Grant Thornton.

October - Trip to Shenandoah NP.

Golu at the new house, our biggest one yet and the first time I have a proper stand. Invited a ton of people and for 3 days the house was buzzing. 

The fall colors in 2023 were spectacular and S and I took many many walks documenting the vivid foliage. 

We went to Hershey's Chocolate World for my fil's birthday and he was like a kid in THE candy store!

November - Y's 15th birthday.

I went to upstate New York for a conference.

My in-laws returned to India.

Diwali. My neighbors and I organized a get-together with food and fireworks for the community which was a lot of fun. 

Ads came back home for Thanksgiving and we had a nice lunch at my cousin's place. I learned how to make mashed potatoes and gravy!

Our new dentist found a worrying cyst in Y's mouth and she had to have a biopsy. It turned out to be a benign water cyst which needed a second surgery to remove.

December - Yukta's surgery to remove the cyst and subsequent few days of recovery. 

We went to the Dominican Republic for a few days and it was a gorgeous and relaxed finale to a super eventful year.

Whew!!

We hosted a lot of people last year- lots of lunches, dinners, and high teas (the last with our new neighbors in a bid to get to know everyone better), plus family who came to stay. My culinary skills definitely improved. I learned how to make Indian bakery-style vegetable puffs from scratch, and other things with puff pastry. 

Grateful for all the relationships we were able to nourish, all the transitions we navigated with relative ease, our new house with its beautiful mountain views, and neighbors all of whom are really nice and friendly. 

Lots of things to look forward to in 2024. But that's another post!

The Gratitude Project - Update 2023

A few years ago, we embarked on an ambitious “Gratitude project”. I was reading my old post where I wrote:

“Our family is definitely more grateful for all that we have! We are closer, more connected, more mindful. I personally feel more centered and conscious when I am not fully present for the people that matter. I am more proactive about being in the moment and can reset quickly when I am not. For someone who tends to have a million different things running through her mind all the time, this has been a big achievement.

The children are more centered too. They have learned to articulate and contemplate their feelings and emotions better than before. Are they more empathetic? I don’t know, but they know they need to be! Are they more resilient? Only time will tell, though I strongly feel that their can-do attitude and calm courage while negotiating a big cross-continent transition this year, is due in big part to the Gratitude Project!”

Fast forward four years, where are we? It has been hard to keep the practice going, no doubt about that. The initial enthusiasm with which we began and pursued it in the first few years was bound to plateau as the kids became teenagers (hence less amenable to listening to us), and as the family dealt with the logistical challenges of different schedules. With daily gratitude circles, monthly meetings, and annual goal-setting sessions, the 2 MBAs in the house I fear managed to make it all feel like being in an office with KRAs and OKRs to get behind :)

I have also been reflecting on the myriad ways in which we talk about privilege, a word that is bandied about quite loosely nowadays but not something that was consciously thought about as my generation was growing up. Perhaps we didn’t have the vocabulary for it then; though in fact, I was a child of privilege as much as my parents were (as successive generations kept climbing up the privilege ladder). So to accuse my kids, not directly but subtextually of being privileged seems not just disingenuous but also ironical. I am trying not to do it. I understand that my generation was fortunate to reap extraordinary gains during a period of history when the rising tide lifted our boats higher than those of many others. We could attribute our material success to our incredible efforts and hard work and that makes a great story to tell our kids (as if they care!) but fact is we are as much the lucky winners of the birth lottery as they are. So ever so often if it seems that our kids are unconscious of their astounding luck and “entitled”, yes of course they are, wouldn’t you be in their place? They have no real understanding of what it took to get here; and telling them that grandfather walked barefoot 10 kilometers in the blazing son to go to school is like one of those Amar Chitra Katha stories- fascinating but nothing to do with their life :) 

So I bite my tongue when Y complains about how her English teacher hates her, even though I’d like to remind her, to put her problems in perspective, about the children suffering in Gaza. It’s taken me time to understand that gratitude and compassion can be cultivated without forcibly injecting privilege into the conversation. I have to hope that within the narrow confines of their current worlds, our kids have enough interactions with a wide enough range of people to understand their place in the world (being in public school helps). When Y tells me about her friends who cannot wear what they want, or who aren’t allowed to go out and socialize with their friends, or who have troubled family lives, she understands how privileged she is, and I expect she is grateful for it. 

Building the gratitude muscle in the kids has been a journey of letting my parenting evolve as well. So much of good parenting is “Show, not Tell”. So we make it obvious how we live life with an attitude of gratitude and hope that being a good(ish) role model will do the trick. Until then, we turn into irritating nags who insist that the family gathers for monthly meetings (and the kids are so good at deflecting these requests so that the meetings never happen). Last week, Y was annoyed that she and her brother were trapped in an impromptu “monthly meeting” in the car while we were waiting for our table to be ready at a restaurant. Conditions were perfect as it was brutally cold outside and we knew they wouldn’t just walk off :)

College move-in

When Ads was a toddler, he was a stickler for routine (he still is). Predictability was key to avoid meltdowns so if there was going to be any disruption or even a minor change to his routine, we would proactively manage it and let him know what to expect. 

I am realizing now that he used the same tactics to prepare us for his departure. Slowly but surely, he has been disengaging himself from us for the last year or two. This summer, between his gym routine, summer job, cricket practice and matches, we barely saw him. He slank in and out of the house quietly and sometimes the only inkling I had of his arrival or (more likely) departure, was the sound of the garage door closing! 

It has now been 10 days since we dropped him off at college. We flew into Madison the previous evening, picked up all the stuff that I had shipped to my friend's place, unpacked and loaded into the car. We also had a nice Indian dinner with our friend. The next morning, we were up bright and early to make our 9 am move-in slot at the campus. The move-in was extremely smooth. We went into the dorm, discovered his roommate was already in the room, and got to work. Lofted the bed, unpacked the bags and in an hour almost everything was in place. Ads is lucky because his residence hall has no ACs in any of the rooms, except for his room! The fan I had ordered from Costco never arrived, so it was a good thing we had AC...I would have collapsed in the heat otherwise. Madison was baking in uncharacteristic 90 degree weather.

We had lunch in the dining hall, and made a quick trip to Target to stock up on essentials, and another trip to get him a credit card. Then back to the dorm, said goodbye and left him to his own devices. He had a house meeting that evening and seemed to want to be left alone. S and I headed to Memorial Union terrace to have some icecream and soon after, whom do we see, but Ads heading our way with some kids! Apparently, we were all going to the same place - a gathering of desi kids and parents on the terrace overlooking Lake Mendota. We parted ways again after that, but of course S always meets and knows people everywhere and there was a catchup of his BITS batchmates (5 of them have freshmen in Madison this year!). By the time we finished dinner and got back to the hotel, it was past 11 pm. It had been a very long day.

The next day, we did a tour of Epic Systems, a Madison institution (started by a Badger). Fantastic and quirky corporate campus. Lunch on campus, another quick catchup with Ads and it was time for a final goodbye before we drove to the airport. No tears, no drama, much to Ads' relief. 

And 10 days later, he seems to be doing well and so are we! Proud he has settled in so well and hope he does well at school, makes a lot of new friends and feels good about his choice. His dorm has been great about organizing events almost everyday so that has helped break the ice (not all dorms do it). He is playing tennis everyday, and hanging out with people. With more than 8000 freshmen, there are a lot of people to meet! 

Match-ing matching

6570 days. Of loving safeguarding observing teaching listening and letting go. 

Learning to be vigilantly nonchalant, lovingly tough, fearfully confident; never graduating to beyond the advanced beginner level. Parenting is full of oxymoronic situations!

As Advaith turns 18, I’ve been reflecting on how I (we) did. Did we equip him with everything he needs as he travels to college and beyond? Did we teach him to be independent but not be afraid to ask for help; to be confident but humble; to be kind and helpful but establish the right boundaries; to advocate for himself but spare a thought for others? 

Suddenly, a lightbulb moment-  how could I have missed this!

"Ads," - I yell - "do you know how to strike a match?"

My son looks at me with a resigned expression, which reads - What random question is this woman throwing at me now?

"Of course I know, Ma", he dismisses me.

"Ok, how?"

"I know it ok? You do the thing with the thingy."

"Can you come here and show me how you do the thing with the thingy please?" I insist. 

"When am I ever going to use a match Ma?" He whines.

"I don't know, but please learn how to, right now."

Anyway, it’s clear he’s never used one before but after a couple of tries, he lights a match, throws it down in disgust, and walks off.

Mission accomplished!

Feeling ok with being looked down upon by one’s progeny - literally and figuratively - is also a key parenting skill!

As I keep reminding my kids - your brains aren't fully developed until you are 25. And I have a 30 years head start on you guys!

Getting closer to move -in day

Ads turns 18 in a few days. I started blogging exactly 15 years ago, just as he was starting preschool in the Bay Area. It feels surreal to know that in less than a fortnight, he will be in college and in his dorm and we will be hundreds of miles away. It feels like he has done a very good job of becoming increasingly independent over the last couple of years, and in some ways, it feels like he has pushed us away ever-so-gently, which will hopefully make the separation process a little easier. As a parent whose primary aim has always been to make herself redundant, this is especially gratifying and gives me the feeling of having been successful. 

Over the past few months, I have been reflecting on my mothering journey with Ads and feeling thankful as I always do for how easy he made it for us. He has always been low-maintenance, a no-fuss, no-drama kid. Very accommodating and adaptable, and in his own way affectionate and caring. All of us grow with our kids and Ads gave me a window into how to be your own person. He is someone who is barely affected by peer pressure and doesn't much care about what others think of him. He doesn't use social media, or play video games. He reads a lot, plays, watches, and reads a lot of cricket, and is a sci-fi buff. We've drummed into him the importance especially now as he heads to college, to be better at social interactions, to network more, to become more interested in other people. I am sure the next 4 years will be transformative for him and I can't wait to see the new version (Ads 2.0, if you will) of this young man!

Toddlers vs teens

Now that I have 2 teenagers in the house and will be sending one half-baked adult out into the world in a year from now, it felt like time to address the rhetorical "Toddlers vs Teenagers - which would you rather have?" question. 

Well, gotta have both, obviously (what's the option?!).

Right. The answer as far as I am concerned is ......DRUM ROLL......

I will take teenagers any day.

With their smelly feet and armpits, acne and dandruff, moods and sullenness, hair and large hands and feet! Shall I go on drawing this generally unappealing picture? :) 

I just have these very sympathetic feelings for the underdogs you know. Toddlers are CUTE. Who doesn't like them? Certainly, even the kid-haters will good-humouredly set off the whining against the cuteness quotient.

But teenagers. Boy, they can be a tough breed to like. Tall, sometimes huge, they look like an adult but have none of the usefulness or know-how of one. They are unpredictable and moody. They eat massive amounts of food. They demand your time and attention and love and yet look the other way when you provide all of it. Arrrggghhh...they are infuriating!

Note: My kids were easy toddlers and are pretty easy teens as well; so not complaining here. These are general observations (my kids will call them sweeping generalizations!) based on all the kids I have encountered :)

Moving on...

These infuriating teens are also so vulnerable. Caught in the no-man's zone between childhood and adulthood, brains and cognition only partly developed (the brain is the last organ to mature; this happens in the early to mid-20s), misunderstood and misjudged even by the people who know them best, bodies growing in all sorts of uncomfortable ways, dealing with high pressure academic and social environments. One cannot but feel sorry for these poor souls. 

Research has established that the level of stress varies very little whether you have toddlers or teenagers. I personally think the difference is in what kind of stress. Parenting toddlers or very young kids creates a huge physical workload while with teenagers the exhaustion is primarily mental. Second-guessing what they are feeling, reading between the lines, worrying about risky behaviour or social media exposure, etc takes a toll on the parent's mental wellness. On the other hand, they are very well able to clean and dress themselves, navigate their social calendars, and under duress make their own meals and get themselves from one place to another without my help!

The old parenting wisdom is that you only have 18 summers with your kids. The thing is, when the kids are toddlers, 18 summers seems like light years away. It cannot come soon enough. Fast forward a few years and they are teenagers and that 18th summer is really really close and you'll do anything to have your sweaty stinky messy teenager lounging around your house for just one more summer.  

I never in a million years thought I'd say this. But I can now empathize with all those wannabe grandparents who are dying for their kids to procreate. It's not just some ego trip and carrying-on-our-family's-amazing-genes stuff. It's just plain old-fashioned "I need to smell that baby smell and feel that delicious baby fat and remember that feeling of wanting to gobble them up" stuff.

Gasp! I am going to be insufferable as a 60-year-old aunty!

First job!

We spent a lot of time thinking about how Ads should spend his summer. Typically the summer before senior year is important. Kids are expected to either do a pre-college program, volunteer or find a job or internship. S and I felt quite strongly that working in the service industry would be very helpful to Ads in terms of learning some great life skills and also pushing him beyond his comfort zone. 

So I have been helping Ads apply to jobs. He was adamant about not wanting to work in food service so cafes and ice cream shops and restaurants were out of the question. We applied to the big retailers - Target, Whole Foods, Barnes & Noble, Michaels, Harris Teeter, Wegmans, Old Navy, etc. He got a call back from Old Navy, attended the interview for a "Brand Associate" and walked out with the job.

As easy as that :)   

His orientation was last evening and he starts work next week, just after getting back from Atlanta where he is playing in a Minor League tournament (U17). We don't know his schedule yet but looks like he'll work 16 hours per week. This summer will be busy with work, cricket, and writing his college essay.

Driving

Another milestone...another opportunity for the progeny to look down on me :)

Armed with lots of theoretical and very little practical knowledge, Ads has evolved into an effective backseat driver/commentator.

"Your hands are supposed to be at 9 and 3, you know that right?"

"Amma, can you stop driving with one hand?!!!"

"Did you check the speed limit?"

"I don't think you indicated for exactly 4 seconds before you switched lanes"....and so on and so forth.

My funny remarks about other drivers on the road are funny only to my own ears, I guess. I am anticipating being canceled by my own kids, very soon!

Ah, what's life without being patronized by our teenagers?

It's ridiculous to allow 16-year-olds to take the wheel, but that's a rant for another day!

Some thoughts (before Mother's Day 2022)

Where did the years go? Almost 17 years as a parent, and I am still stumbling and fumbling. Amazed at other parents' confidence that they have it all figured out. NO. A hundred times no. This parenting thing is humbling and emaculating. 

The days are long but the years are short. This cliche has never seemed more real than now when the days seem to be rushing by with indecent haste. He is driving. He is shaving. Soon he will start filling out college applications. 

In a little over a year from now, I will not know things that I have known with certainty every day for 17 years. When he woke up. When he left for school. When he had lunch (did he have lunch?!!). When he returned home. What he did in the evenings. What is his weekend schedule.

This one thought terrifies me. Knowing that millions of parents face the same choices some time or the other is irrelevant. I read that sending your kids off to college is "bittersweet" and I think - "How is it sweet? There is nothing but bitterness."

I take solace from these lines from Gibran.

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

NOW they tell me I have to be a stable bow, whatever the hell that means?

I have, however, been an excellent potted plant. Some years ago there was an article in the New York Times citing research showing the psychological benefits for teens of having at least one parent around in close proximity. “Importantly, the studies of parental presence indicate that sheer proximity confers a benefit over and above feelings of closeness or connectedness between parent and child.....Quality parenting of a teenager may sometimes take the form of blending into the background like a potted plant."

I have loved that metaphor and unreservedly shared this pearl of wisdom with all and sundry. I can be a potted plant, no problem! Our teens may act like they don’t really need us, and they often ask us to get out of their rooms, but they do need our simple and silent presence. I know it when Ads comes up to my bedroom every night and silently nuzzles me and I know we are communicating even though I'm not exactly sure what's being said :) Probably (I hope!) the things that have no words- I love you. I'm fine. Thank you?

Oh well. Thank goodness for potted plants and stable bows :)

16th birthday

Ads turned 16 last month. I had dreamt that his grandparents would be there for his birthday but sadly, that was not to be.  However, my uncle and aunt were down from Texas and a few days before his birthday, we had a family dinner with them and my cousin. Y and I baked a cake and I got him a cute coffee mug from Etsy and also splurged on a fancy cake topper, in addition to buying him a pair of bluetooth earphones.

So all pretty low-key. The day stands out in my mind for being swelteringly hot. We have been dealing with AC issues on the ground (first) floor for weeks now so the frosting kept melting and I had to keep pushing it into the fridge to cool it down! Plus that was the day the whole snake drama happened. A very memorable birthday indeed! 

Hiss-trionics at home

 “Ma……” Ads called as he quickly climbed up the stairs from the basement. 

It was his 16th birthday, a sweltering evening in August. I was in the kitchen, having just popped the cake frosting into the fridge to cool it down before I worked on the cake again. 

Clutching his phone in one hand, he walked towards me, his expression unreadable as always. 

“Don’t panic. But...….I think there is a snake in the basement.”

“What! WHAT! A SNAKE!!!!! Oh no!!! Oh my god!!!!! And what do you mean you think! Don’t you know?”

A picture of calm and poise I was not. So much for asking me not to panic. 

As I started hyperventilating, Ads began to grin, unable to mask his amusement at my absolute terror. He pushed his phone towards me, on which (horror of horrors!) there was a photo of something large and black coiled up in a corner behind a couch. 

My cries brought put the husband and daughter rushing from their respective rooms, convinced that at the very minimum the house was on fire or being burgled by a gang of robbers in broad daylight. 

Let me backtrack here. We live in a nice house with a large backyard and lawn. It’s a side lot so we have no neighbors on two sides, something I’ve always considered a huge advantage. The large tract of land to the back and one side is green and verdant, essentially shutting us off from the outside world and providing a safe haven for all sorts of wildlife - foxes, deer, beavers, squirrels, rabbits and more bird species that we can count.

And apparently snakes too.

This was not the first time we had encountered Mr (or was it Ms) snake? It (a rat snake, non-venomous) had found its way a few times earlier into the garage and slithered under a convenient hole in the wall. On that first occasion, I had displayed some finely-honed maternal instincts by insisting that the kids go out to the garage and get rid of the snake with a stick or broom handle. 

Y was shocked - “This is great, Amma. You’re asking to your kids to go out and handle the snake while you sit inside the house?!!”

“Yes”, I retorted. “If it bites you I know the number of the poison control center. And I can drive you to the hospital, which is more than you guys can do for me.”

(Let’s not dwell on that incident too long. As PG Wodehouse would say, it was the day the scales finally fell from my children’s eyes). 

So anyway, the damn thing (was it the same one?) was now actually INSIDE the house. Which was good, come to think of it, because the county animal control would only come out to help us if the animal was inside the living area (the garage doesn’t qualify). S and Y were dispatched to go down to the basement and keep an eye on the snake and make sure it didn’t run away somewhere while I feverishly hunted for the animal control number. To my relief, they promised to come out within 30 minutes. 

Soon enough, a police van rolled to a stop in front of the house and a very smart policewoman walked in. She was in and out the of the basement within a couple of minutes, and reappeared holding a large bag in which, presumably, the snake rested. 

And then she went out and let it out in my backyard :( 

“What if it comes back?” I asked her, biting back some choice expletives. 

“Oh I think he just came in by accident...he shouldn’t bother you again. Just make sure you plug up any possible points of entry.” she smiled. 

I think she was the bravest person I’ve ever met. Y & S later told me it was a long snake (3 feet or so), black and thick. 

Since then, Amazon saw a sudden uptick in purchase of snake repellents from our zip code :) Apparently those things work only against venomous snake but who cares? At one point we had barricaded the exterior basement door with a couple of small tables so that the snake couldn’t get in. I discovered some suspicious looking poop near the patio and promptly started researching about how to identify animal poop (and of course there’s an app for that!) I am now a certified expert in snake poop and snake repellents...only not on how to stay calm when you spot a reptile. 

Who says city life is exciting? Come live in the suburbs!

Sometimes it’s a family of squirrels making a home in your attic. Sometimes it’s your basement flooding after a heavy bout of rain. Sometimes it’s the burglar alarm going off when you are hundreds of miles away on vacation, waking you up at 4 in the morning. 

And sometimes it’s a rat snake making itself at home in your basement. 

“Ads, I wish this stupid snake wouldn’t come into the house. Why can’t it just stay in the yard?” I complained.

“Ma,” he replied “ Unfortunately for you, snakes don’t respect property rights!”

3 years of school - recap

3 years completed in the public school system in the US, and the kids have grown and blossomed. Well beyond my wildest expectations. When I think of the anxiety I experienced in July/August 2018, it feels almost absurd that I should have been so scared. But worrying is a parent's prerogative and burden; thank you to Ads & Y for showing me what resilience is all about and for taking the good bad and ugly in your very smooth stride. 

Reflecting on the past 3 years, some strange and some interesting happenings:

1- Y and I standing in line to pick up Advaith's laptop in middle school, the teacher mistaking Y for the incoming student (8th grade) and profusely welcoming her until I corrected her and said that Y's brother is actually joining. Y was happy that she looked taller and older!

2- A horrible afternoon on the first day of school. Ads' bus from middle school was late, and he wasn't on board! Made the driver call the school. They said he had missed the bus. Rushed to his school. Couldn't find him anywhere. In full panic mode now. Realized I was getting late for picking up Y so rushed to her bus stop. Fortunately, she was on board. Quickly dropped her home. By now, am almost in tears and at wit's end. Suddenly a phone call, Ads using some random stranger's phone. He had taken the wrong bus and also got down at some stop that he didn't recognize! Fortunately, it was not far away. Told him to stay put and jumped into the car (again!) to pick him up. All this in 100-degree heat and 90% humidity.

That same evening, marched Ads to Verizon and bought him a phone! Later on, the same kind stranger from whom Ads had borrowed the phone called to ask if everything was okay :) 

Where was S in all this? Travelling as usual!

3- Colonial Day in Y's school where I volunteered for several hours, and watching Y dance colonial dances, play the violin etc. 

4- Watching 4th grade perform a musical based on the Wright brothers 

5- Last week of 4th grade and a lovely pancake breakfast in the classroom. I volunteered and got to meet other moms and make pancakes. The homeroom teacher got sudden back pain/muscle spasms and started crying. Dramatic ending to a fun morning!

6- Y contracting the flu just a day before a much-anticipated field trip to Yorktown and Jamestown. She was so upset. 

7- Proud parents watching Ads make the honor roll in 8th grade, and getting a prize for best student in English 

8- Open houses in 8th and 9th grade, and wandering bemusedly through school corridors, wondering how my kid would ever navigate the confusing layout and crammed daily schedule! He could, and he did :) 

9- Working on the 8th-grade science fair project, and helping make Ads' charts 

10- This year, proud of Y for getting a President's Education Award Certificate for outstanding academic excellence, one of the few in 6th grade in her school. It is given to graduating elementary school students who maintain a certain high level of academic performance (in Y's case, in 5th and 6th grade) and get atleast one "Pass Advanced" in the state exams. It was totally unexpected and a lovely surprise. 

11- Being able to participate in the many wonderful events and activities planned by the school staff, teachers and the PTA, for graduating 6th graders. Car parade, a virtual promotion, a field day, a memory walk etc - truly they made it a very very special send-off. I was very skeptical of all the tamasha initially. What's the big deal, I thought? Much ado about nothing. But it is a cute rite of passage as these kids transition from carefree elementary school to becoming responsible teens. Middle school is a different ball game. No one is going to handhold you or spoonfeed you. You are accountable and responsible for your grades, cocurricular activities, and your schedule. Parents and teachers are no longer going to support you as they did in elementary. In fact, parents will rarely even know what's going on. I am glad that we got to experience this with Y. 

Here's to summer, and new experiences in middle school!

Yard signs for all 6th graders

Memory walk 

12 years a blogger

It's been exactly 12 years since I started blogging. 588 posts in 12 years and the math says I've been writing close to 4 posts a month. A post a week, not bad at all. I've never been this consistent in anything in life, be it exercise, or eating well, or any of my other hobbies :) 

I started blogging for two reasons. One was to have a daily record of my life as a mom, and my kids' milestones. The other was that as a sleep-deprived mom of two, I knew writing fiction or poetry or anything remotely creative would be well nigh impossible, and blogging would be a way of being consistent about writing. 

Along the way, many bonuses appeared. I made friends, other mommy bloggers who were in the same chaotic boat. The fellowship we all created together was an unexpected and beautiful gift. Even now, a few of us email each other on our kids' birthdays. A few became good friends in the offline world too. One mom even sent me science books for Ads all the way from the US to Bangalore. 

The blog gave me opportunities to write for a larger audience, as a parenting columnist on a few websites. At some point, we were doing so many holidays that it morphed into a travel blog, and I decided to spin the travel tales into a separate blog. A reader at the point advised me not to "split my audience", a comment that amused me no end. What audience? In its heyday, I had 60 followers, and about 20 of those used to comment regularly on my posts (this included my parents!) 

Why do I keep writing? Because we forget. The minutiae, the trivial pursuits, the humdrumness of our daily lives is special, whether or not it appears to be so in the moment. We remember the big milestones, the highs, and the lows but often neglect the banal moments. I remember when Ads got the best bowler award in a 2019 cricket championship but the day in 2010 that we bought a plastic bat in Pondy Bazaar and threw a rubber ball at him, was a special day that I wouldn't remember if I hadn't recorded it in these pages. I am happy when my younger friends and cousins tell me they scrolled through the tags to find a specific post that is relevant for their much younger kids. Or when a regular reader drops a personal note to say how much that post about my grandfather, jogged some very fond memories of her own grandparents.

My writing got better because of this blog, even if the progress has been minuscule and painfully slow. I write because it is therapeutic and used to give me a sense of accomplishment on days when I felt like life was at a standstill. Blogging gave me not just an outlet but a medium to distil and clarify my thoughts. 

But ultimately, I write for my kids. I write so that one day they can look back at their childhood and use these posts as an intimate window into the past. I write so that we, as a family, don't forget all the incidents, activities, arguments, and conversations that made up the fabric of our life. And sometimes I write, not about Ads & Y, but about myself and my childhood and the incidents that shaped me. By doing so, I offer them a window into my personality and my values, in the hope that these will shape them and help them understand me better. So, another bonus feature of the blog is that it is often self-serving! 

A few days ago, Y was reading my posts from 2009/10. She couldn't stop at one, and kept scrolling, exclaiming things like "That's so funny" and"I was so cute, Amma!" 

Mission accomplished :) 

The Covid Life - Part 2

Summer vacation has started. It has been a loooong spring and will be a longer summer! The kids have been doing well, extremely well in fact. Ads spends his time doing courses on philosophy, astronomy and physics. Y has started a short online course on fashion design, has learnt Canva on her own and will start a  month-long creative writing course next week. We have been missing our family hikes (correction: S & I have been missing them, the kids are quite happy doing without!) but hopefully, we can do some over the summer. This particular family activity has been replaced by a daily evening dose of shows/movies. Ads has picked out some really good options for us. We are watching episodes of the 'Twilight Zone', a series that ran over 5 seasons between 1959-1964 and it is very very good. We have also watched a ton of movies - some old (50s-80s) and some not-so-old.

It has been incredibly hot but I finally ordered some furniture for the patio so we are able to have our evening chai and snacks outside and if we were a little less lazy, could manage dinner as well.

So life has been somewhat humdrum with none of the usual travel. Guess what, I am actually liking it this way! Maybe I don't have such itchy feet after all :) 

This is 14

This is 14.
Long long legs and arms.
Size 10 feet.
Feet that need new shoes every few months.
Smelly feet.
Smelly socks.
Monosyllables.
Grunts and mumbles masquerade as conversation.
(He used to be more verbal when he was 2!)
Big hands.
Clammy hands.
Taller than me.
Taller than dad.
Doesn't want you to enter his room.
Or clean up his room.
Does laundry.
Can chop vegetables.
Doesn't know how to open a milk carton.
Doesn't listen.
Hears every word when parents are whispering about him.
(Damn that Vulcan hearing- for fans of Big Bang Theory!)
Armpit hair.
Face fuzz.
Hates it when you hug him (you give too many hugs!)
Needs that big hug from you.

This is 14.
Clueless.
Selfish. Careless. 
You lie on the couch in high fever and he steers clear of you.
He doesn't need you. 
Except
When he's hungry (always!)
When he needs new pants (every month)
When he needs a ride 
When he has a small corn and my goodness, the pain that he's in!

This is 14.
He wants to know if you've saved enough money for his college.
He has trust issues.
He is aghast when you threaten to join the PTSA.
14 doesn't tell you the names of his friends.
Now you are clueless.
You are uncool 
and embarrassing. 

This is 14.
Coltish.
Heartbreakingly handsome.
You wonder how many of his schoolmates have a crush on him.
You'll never know.
Your deepest desire is to be a fly on the wall as he goes about his school day.
He lounges on the couch.
For a second you mistake him for his dad.
What is going on in that brain? 
Neurons firing, hormones raging.

This is 14.
More bewitching and confusing than you ever thought it would be.
The awkward entanglement of boyhood and manhood. 
Those terrible twos and threes?
You laugh at how hard you thought it was then.
When you thought they were testing your patience
and your strength.
Those were just little hurdles.
Mere prep
for the teenage years.  
In 4 years he will leave this roof. 
You swat that thought away.

For now,
It is enough
That he walks a few steps ahead or behind (never with you)
That you can watch him while he sleeps
That you can still impress him with your cooking 
That he will bike to the nearest Dunkin Donuts
and buy you a doughnut for Mother's day
and eat it all by himself 
That he will draw 3 balloons, write Happy Birthday, and call it a card
This is 14.
This is beautiful. 

Resilience, Reinvention and other such Random Ramblings

I have been counting. In the last 44 years, I have lived in 30 distinct places. 30 places I have called home at various points in time. The number is staggering and even absurd. What were my parents thinking?!!!

I counted the places we've lived in after we got married. The count is 10. My 14-year-old has lived in 7 houses/apartments. We've basically moved him to a new place every 2 years. What were we thinking?!!! Since I am still counting, he's studied in 7 schools up until now. Guess he's not making my record of 12 schools. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing :) 

I've been thinking a lot about resilience, and courage, and risk-taking ability. I did not grow up with friends I knew from kindergarten. Of course, my parents did not deliberately set out to change my school almost every year, but that's what happened. There have been only 3 years when I have not been the new girl in class. So every year that I moved schools, I was the one with no friends, no associations, no frame of reference, starting at the bottom of the social ladder. Making friends quickly was the first job in every new school, a task an introverted kid is singularly unfit for. Yet I shudder to think how much more introverted I might have developed to be if I had stayed cocooned in the security of the same home/city/school. 

It's hard to pinpoint the exact emotional state from so long ago. I am pretty sure there were some miserable lonely times. I do remember hating every move, the terror and uncertainty of the unknown never lessening with the passage of years. The ability to mask it under a veneer of confidence, however, increased exponentially. Over a period of time, even the aforesaid fear of the unknown largely evaporated. One just got braver, and more resilient. 

Hindsight is always 20-20 :) I read a beautiful quote somewhere - "I will forgive myself for not having the foresight to know what I now know in hindsight". Looking back, I would not change any of the experiences I underwent. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! And this gives me a lot of strength and consolation as I think about my kids. Especially Ads, who even as a baby and a toddler, was one of the most cautious, scared kids around. For many years, minor changes in his schedule would lead to full-blown tantrums. That his ability to handle change was weak, was obvious to us very early on. A lot of our parenting with him has involved forcing him into uncomfortable situations (however, this is not why we moved all over India and to and fro from the US!). 

Willy-nilly, it happened. We see the results now, in his quiet confidence, courage and resilience. When we moved from India in 2018, I was very very anxious about his ability to handle this big transition. Having seen him tackle it head-on and just do what it takes to integrate and come out ahead, I'll be sure not to suffer unnecessary sleepless nights next time around!

A big part of the parental contract is protecting your kids from the vicissitudes of life. To the extent that we can, all of us want our kids to have a safe untroubled childhood. But exposing them to change, uncertainty, failure - this is part of the parental contract too. This gen will come of age in a VUCA world, and they need all the tools they can equip themselves with. And for most of us, we need to consciously build in challenges, experiences and situations that force our kids to go out of their comfort zone in a controlled environment, when we are watching over them. Because soon enough, we won't be there to stand guard and they will have to navigate this chaotic world on their own. 

Some concrete examples of conscious actions we have taken/are taking to inculcate independence and resilience in our kids:
1. Independent living - Do chores around the house. Picking up their stuff, folding their clean clothes, throwing soiled clothes in the laundry, making their beds and keeping their rooms clean are expected. It's their job to clean the table every night after dinner and help in clearing up the dishes. I've been working on training Ads to chop veggies and iron his own clothes, but it's a WIP.
2. Academics - I haven't as much as glanced at their homework or test prep for many years now, unless it is voluntarily offered up for inspection, and their grades thus far have been great (positive correlation or causation?!!!) Keeping on top of schoolwork, studying for tests, exams etc, getting decent grades, is their job and their job only. Occasionally I will help out if there is a big project looming. This happens maybe once a year. 
3. Empathy - Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and reinforce the importance of empathy. We have made a lot of strides in the first one and are still working on the second. A regular family volunteering activity would go a long way to promote empathy and this is a personal goal for me this year.
4. Self-care - Exercise and be mindful. Again, WIP. Ads has been doing well on this and he exercises every single day and has a daily meditation routine. We are working with Y on this as well.
5. Socialization - Communicate, make plans, ask for help. We do a lot of this when we travel in Latin America, where it is Ads' job to walk up to random people and ask for directions, opening and closing times, and other general stuff which clueless travellers need to know :) Ordering in restaurants is another way for kids to communicate their own choices. We have to do more of this, including making them shop for groceries and check out with minimal assistance from us.

I feel like this list keeps increasing in length, and every week I can think of something else that I need to teach my children. Life is complex, and it will only get more so as they enter college, and the workforce, and the demands of the real world. As I keep reminding Ads, grades don't matter that much, but it's all the other stuff you learn at this age that is key - how to be independent, organized, socially savvy, brave and empathetic - to be a success at living. I'm not sure he totally buys into what he considers my mumbo-jumbo though!!