Kids

Kids

Friday, 21 May 2021

Speaking my truth (poem)

Don't be angry with me, just wait a sec ...

You know I love you, 

but it's hard to keep you in check.


Your whimsy, that foul temper!

The way you are so contrarian!

My dear, do you remember 


the many times I've thought of something to say, 

and you violently disagree? 

You just have to have it your way!


The pen writes not what I want to express, 

but some proposition of your own.  

You know it leads to a lot of stress


when you won't cooperate and collaborate; 

if you put ideas into my head.  

I think it's very immoderate 


of you, to assign to me a beliefs or feeling

that I had no intention of subscribing to.  

You say you are just revealing 


what lies beneath my well-chosen expressions. 

I call it squealing and wheeling-dealing,  

a wanton act of aggression,  


to steal my thoughts and lay them bare 

on the naked page, for all to see. 

But....perhaps you're right and I must prepare


to confront that ugliness inside of me... 

Say what I mean, and mean what I say. 

Be honest to the highest degree.

 

On second thoughts, you are absolutely right 

to have taken me in hand, and asked me 

to reconsider and reappraise and rewrite. 

 

Where would I be without this rectitude,  

this compass, this unseen and unacknowledged beacon;  

it was in danger of decrepitude. 

 

I get it now; you love me too,  

my dear conscience, and you won't let me stray 

too far from the truth; I'm grateful to you.

Tuesday, 18 May 2021

Random acts of kindness

I took Y to get her first Pfizer dose today and the lady who administered the vaccine was so kind. She patiently explained everything about the vaccine and its side effects to Y, including me in the conversation (unlike most docs and nurses in this country who insist on talking only to the child!). She answered my questions about scheduling the second dose. She also cleverly asked Y a question about what she (Y) was going to do once she went back home, and while Y was thinking about it, deftly jabbed her arm!

She must have seen so many people today. I know she was just doing her job; but nowadays, I am moved by any small display of consideration and kindness. Someone holding a door open for us, or smiling under a mask, or moving aside on the trail to make way for me as I race past huffing and puffing; the tiny courtesies that are so much a part of pre-pandemic life feel novel and unfamiliar. Like a precious gift, forgotten in a dusty corner that I have serendipitously discovered now. 

We just got an email from Y's school principal that an ex-teacher had passed away. Turns out she is the mom of Y's classmate and succumbed to breast cancer. She leaves behind two young kids. Another random act of kindness - this classmate's dad had met Y one afternoon, several months ago, when she had gone out for a run and got lost. He met Y on the road and she asked him for directions and he walked her home. As they walked, he asked her where she studied and informed her that his son was in the same class as Y.  I was very grateful to him that day. That tenuous connection makes me feel doubly sad for him, his 2 kids, and his family now.  How do people deal with losses of such magnitude? Those kids' entire lives will now be coloured by the loss of their mom at a tender age. 

Monday, 17 May 2021

Vaxed!

The weekend has been spent resting, after our 2nd dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. Today I napped for more than an hour, a deep, strangely unsettling period of rest. Immersed in the very depths of sleep, as I fought my way to consciousness, it felt like I was buried many thousands of fathoms under the sea. Laboriously, I pushed my way up into awakeness, hands and legs pumping in the imagination. Even at the surface, the eyes would not cooperate and refused to open and take in the world! It was a process of almost physically having to peel the eyelids apart, so heavy had my slumber been. 

I come out of these naps feeling lackluster rather than rested (S says that's because they are too long, and he is right). There is a heaviness in the limbs which makes me think that this is what it must be like to be very old. One of my husband's (and Y's) "fun" things to do is to click a snap of me while I am sleeping. I am always upset to see how utterly exhausted I look in these photos. Mouth slack and open, I look for all the world like someone who has run a marathon and just plopped herself down to sleep, not at all like an active woman who gets her 8 hours every night! I wonder if this is just one of the many changes that the body experiences, with increasing age.

Anyhow, relieved to have got both shots now and we will be considered to be "fully vaccinated" after 2 weeks. The CDC also approved the Pfizer vaccine for 12-15-year-olds and Ads has already got his first jab.

Sunday, 16 May 2021

The present (poem)

 In this alien land, the sense of unbridgeable difference loomed large. 

The very air smelled light; no more the anticipated heaviness of a summer's day. 

The humidity rose and settled in waves around me, burnished with birdsong. 

I strained to hear the familiar sounds of traffic, but only met the thump of basketball against hoop.

My tongue drooled for the annual Alphonso and rebelled at the acid Mexican variety.

Summer brought indecent lushness, a hint of the tropics;

but the tropics I remembered was wilted trees surrendering to the heat.

Strange, unaccustomed land; strange, unaccustomed beings! 

I have to embrace it with open arms; else the remembrance of the absent ones will undo me.  

This is the here and now; the one and only present.

I won't long for the yesteryears and might-have-been;

Welcoming this unexpected gift, I will untie the tangled skeins of an unremarkable life.

Wednesday, 5 May 2021

Goals for 2021 and 2020 report card

Since 2019, our family has had a formal goal-setting exercise every December, for the New Year. Since 2020 we expanded to doing a family meeting at the end of every month to review where we are on our goals, how the last month went, what's top of mind of us for the next month etc. 

Last year's "performance", I am quite happy about actually. My goals were doable, and some I knocked out of the park. And for the rest, well it was 2020....we can be kind to ourselves :(

Learn swimming - Did start classes in early 2020 at our health club, which shut down in March 2020 :( At this rate, I might be pushing 60 by the time I learn to swim like my kids!

Teach Ads some life skills - same as last year. We made some good progress. I don't do much after dinner other than putting the leftovers away, which is great because clearing up after a meal is my least favourite activity. Ads now (most days) cleans the kitchen after dinner. He wipes down the dining table and all the counters, the gas stove, sweeps the floor, and if I am on a call or something, loads the dishwasher. Y is in charge of refilling the water filter and making me my post-dinner cup of green tea :)) I taught Ads to cook things like Maggi but still a long way to go.

Join another nonprofit Board - Done, since April 2020

Work on Ads' college plan - Middling progress. Since he doesn't know what we wants to do, I'm somewhat at a loss on what I am supposed to research on!

Paint more - Accomplished. 

Write more - On this blog and Linkedin/Medium. Accomplished.
 
Some of the other goals carried over from 2019 were accomplished as well. Exercising and meditating every day, reading a Tamil book, and teaching S how to cook (he has learnt a LOT and very comfortable cooking a full meal now). In addition, COVID gave me the opportunity to resurrect an old hobby - singing.

Goals 2021
Lose weight- This will be the hardest, I think?
Meaningful work portfolio (including my Board work)
(Continue to) paint, sing, write - have targets for each of these :) 
Ads' college research 
Connect regularly with friends and family - something we started doing more intentionally in 2020 when we couldn't travel. I reconnected with school and college buddies and with cousins and extended family a lot more in 2020. Hope to continue this good habit going forward as well.

Spring 2021

The school year is winding down even as the pandemic continues to rage, most virulently in India. I feel like I am living in 2 mental states. One is anxious, upset, and angry at what's happening in India. Concern and worry for parents are uppermost in my mind. The other goes about my daily routine, revelling in the Virginian spring and the warmer weather, Zoom calls, cooking and cleaning and thinking about summer plans. So far, happy that parents, parents-in-law and most friends are well and safe, if bored and completely fed up!

Spring is here and I am discovering so many new trails, to my utmost delight! For example, I didn't know that the Virginia bluebell blooms for just a few short weeks in this season, and many riverside and streamside trails are very popular around this time. I have joined a hiking group on Facebook that gives me such useful information. Armed with their recommendations and tips, we have been on a few hikes, all of them very pretty. In addition, bunny rabbits are much in evidence in the spring, and we have been seeing baby bunnies prancing around in our backyard, in addition to the usual deer, woodchuck and occasional fox sighting. We didn't get to DC for the cherry blossoms this year but got to enjoy them in and around the neighborhood.

I'll let the pictures do the talking. 
















Friday, 12 February 2021

2021 and a memory

2021 is here! It started with some crazy scary scenes at the Capitol (in our backyard) on Jan 6th, a high with the Presidential inauguration on the 20th (which I would have totally attended if there was no COVID/security concern), and a fair amount of snow for us here in Virginia! We are in February already. The kids are done choosing their core courses and electives for the next academic year. Ads goes to junior year (11th grade) and Y starts middle school (7th grade). There is a heck of a lot of fuss being made about the elementary-to-middle school transition and I have been feeling most amused by all that. Parent orientation night, school orientation for rising 7th graders, curriculum night, and whatnot.  

Meanwhile, Facebook shared this memory- a note written exactly 10 years ago when Y first started wearing glasses. She was about 2 and a quarter years old at the time. I remember random aunties accosting me in the elevator, park, etc, and dispensing free advice. I used to be consumed with impotent rage but rarely had a good comeback to their hurtful comments. What used to drive a spear through my heart though, was the silent look Y would always give me during these times. She was a tiny thing, always clutching my hand, and while not very verbal, could understand that the aunties were talking about her and her glasses. I was SO glad when she grew older and there were lots of kids her age sporting glasses! 

Some really weird reactions and comments to Yukta wearing glasses:
1. You didn't feed her enough carrots and pumpkins. (It's always-always-the-mother's-fault theory)
2. She looks so underweight, I knew some problem like this would crop up (Aah - benefits of hindsight)
3. Chuck the glasses, docs don't know anything, her eyes will correct themselves. (big thumbs-down for medical advances down the centuries)
4. (This is the best one) No need to wear glasses, just pour a tsp of castor oil+honey into her eyes every morning. (Yea for home remedies)
And it's only been 2 days!!! Why are people so judgemental and self-satisfiedly all-knowing????

Saturday, 26 December 2020

Winding down 2020

We are spending a week at the Outer Banks in North Carolina. A summer destination for most, but I will take it in the winter any day. Take away the heat, humidity, and crowds and give me some peace and quiet, warmer temperatures than our place in Virginia, and a chance to do nothing. I have been surprised by the beautiful trails here. Maritime forests with oaks, beeches, and hickories jostle against massive sand dunes on the Atlantic Ocean. It has been a real pleasure to go hiking on these beautiful trails where we have most often not seen a single soul. 
Come December, we are usually on a vacation hundred or thousands of miles from home, flying here and there, keeping to a rigid schedule. This year has been so different.  We go back, and we have another week before the winter vacation ends and kids get back to their school routine. I somehow like this much more than our usual crazy holiday plans! But then this year has thrown all rules out of the window.
The vaccine is out. There is some hope at the end of this long tunnel. We have our annual family meeting scheduled for next week where we will talk about how the year has been, and our individual goals for 2021.
As I note down all that I managed to accomplish (and not achieve) in 2020, I realize, yet again, that there is so much to be grateful for. I have been nourished by the company of my kids and husband, the fulfillment of doing useful work, by zoom conversations with family and friends, by the indulgence in my many hobbies. I hope 2021 will help us get back to pre-covid normal, but I hope some of the good habits formed during 2020 will stick! 

Friday, 18 December 2020

Snow watching

I realized yesterday, that watching snowflakes drop out of the sky is one of the most mesmerizing sights. Millions upon millions of pure glistening white flakes, airily orbiting through the atmosphere, swooping and swirling rapidly, finally hitting the ground in pin-drop silence. What an experience! 





Wednesday, 16 December 2020

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening/COVID Parody poem

Thought of doing a parody poem based on Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". Here is the original poem followed by the parody :)

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   


My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   


He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   


The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.


Thinking about COVID on New Year’s eve 

Whose fault this is, we think we know  

There are a lot of theories though; 

Some say nature is striking back - 

2019 sure seems a long time ago. 


At first I found it very queer 

To see people masked from ear to ear; 

Finding toilet paper and sanitizer 

At the grocery was cause for cheer.


Some people had a different take; 

That the whole thing was a conspiracy, a fake 

Some decided to take up hobbies,  

Insta was full of sourdough and cake.  


The scars of 2020 will go deep  

Making a vaccine, was a mighty leap 

The price we paid was very steep, 

There are miles to go before we sleep.    


There are miles to go before we sleep.    



When you think of me (poem)

 Cross-published on Medium.

When you think of me


How will you remember me, I wonder? 

Furtive I crept in, to consume you.

Will you remember me as an interlude?

A pause, a reset, a time for repose?

Or will you only recollect 

the hunger, the chaos, and the misery?

The injustices, the rebellions;  

the battles we won and lost? 

The children you held close, 

the families that entwined and unraveled?

The people you grieved for?

The causes you held dear, 

and those you couldn’t even see 

through your tinted lenses.

Layer upon layer, you and I,  

we build our shared history.

What sense will you make of me?

My turmoil might yet colour

the remainder of your days.


Wednesday, 9 December 2020

Cacophony (poem)

Cross-published on Medium. 


They tumble over themselves,  

coming in through the door.

The silence births a manic cacophony.

What a scene! They arrive jostling, 

and shoving, and vying for attention. 

“One at a time, please!”, I cry

“Let us be organized, gentle and calm.

There is time and space for everyone. 

I invite you, my dear friends,  

and acquaintances of long-standing. 

Welcome to my home, do come in.” 

Doubt flashes past me, rudely and abruptly;   

thrusting fear, anger, and envy ahead of her.

She is a hydra, funneling up up malice and hurt,

even as I frantically chop off her serpent heads. 

“Stop! Stop! I cannot deal with this!

This disarray, this confusion!” 

I plaster a smile on my face;  

I am still learning how to entertain.  

Let them come - doubt and fear and anger,  

and envy and malice and hurt. 

The pain you give me, I am grateful for. 

The cold is nothing without the heat; 

the sweet nothing without the bitter. 

And finally, my now-mellow guests, 

they shuffle past in an orderly fashion.

Like a good hostess, I spend time with everyone.

I enquire about their well-being. 

Love, kindness, and empathy were at the back of the line-  

no wonder I hadn’t spotted them. 

We really need to spend more time together.  

“I’ll call you.” I tell them earnestly.

“Let’s meet again soon.”

I take a deep breath, 

and open my eyes.  


Saturday, 5 December 2020

Bombay Blues


Originally published on
Medium.

On weekend mornings, the maidan reverberated with the cries of children. The soft thud of cleats banging against football, the sharp crack of a leather ball hitting bat or wicket, and the booming voices of a herd of elderly uncles on their daily constitutional. At 9 am, the sunshine would momentarily blind as I stepped out of the building, drawing perspiration almost immediately as the humidity of the coastal city coalesced around me. I ambled along the boundaries of Cooperage football ground, feasting my eyes on the wilting green grass and trees, slowly making my way to the sandwich-wallah at Nariman Point, the only breakfast option open on weekends within my budget. 4 slices of white bread (no organic or whole-wheat!), Amul butter slapped on one slice, and mixed fruit jam on the other, the whole deftly wrapped up in a neat paper packet, to go! A cup of tea from the chai-wallah a few meters away completed this humble breakfast.

Saturday, 7 November 2020

Y turns 12

A round dozen since our little princess made her grand entry and it feels like yesterday. Just like in 2008, it is yet another historic election here in the US and we have been glued to the TV, which is burbling on mute throughout the day. We are spending this week on the beach. The kids are busy with online school but I have an easy schedule. S and I have been walking on the beach, taking in sunrises and sunsets. The beach is empty after the summer crowds have come and gone, and we happily share it with a few fishermen, birds, and some late tourists like us.
We picked up some yummy pastries for Y's birthday and had a low-key celebration with cake and pizza. It's been an eventful week! Atleast we are lucky enough to be in a gorgeous place.

Friday, 6 November 2020

12 years a blogger

It's been exactly 12 years since I started blogging. 588 posts in 12 years and the math says I've been writing close to 4 posts a month. A post a week, not bad at all. I've never been this consistent in anything in life, be it exercise, or eating well, or any of my other hobbies :) 

I started blogging for two reasons. One was to have a daily record of my life as a mom, and my kids' milestones. The other was that as a sleep-deprived mom of two, I knew writing fiction or poetry or anything remotely creative would be well nigh impossible, and blogging would be a way of being consistent about writing. 

Along the way, many bonuses appeared. I made friends, other mommy bloggers who were in the same chaotic boat. The fellowship we all created together was an unexpected and beautiful gift. Even now, a few of us email each other on our kids' birthdays. A few became good friends in the offline world too. One mom even sent me science books for Ads all the way from the US to Bangalore. 

The blog gave me opportunities to write for a larger audience, as a parenting columnist on a few websites. At some point, we were doing so many holidays that it morphed into a travel blog, and I decided to spin the travel tales into a separate blog. A reader at the point advised me not to "split my audience", a comment that amused me no end. What audience? In its heyday, I had 60 followers, and about 20 of those used to comment regularly on my posts (this included my parents!) 

Why do I keep writing? Because we forget. The minutiae, the trivial pursuits, the humdrumness of our daily lives is special, whether or not it appears to be so in the moment. We remember the big milestones, the highs, and the lows but often neglect the banal moments. I remember when Ads got the best bowler award in a 2019 cricket championship but the day in 2010 that we bought a plastic bat in Pondy Bazaar and threw a rubber ball at him, was a special day that I wouldn't remember if I hadn't recorded it in these pages. I am happy when my younger friends and cousins tell me they scrolled through the tags to find a specific post that is relevant for their much younger kids. Or when a regular reader drops a personal note to say how much that post about my grandfather, jogged some very fond memories of her own grandparents.

My writing got better because of this blog, even if the progress has been minuscule and painfully slow. I write because it is therapeutic and used to give me a sense of accomplishment on days when I felt like life was at a standstill. Blogging gave me not just an outlet but a medium to distil and clarify my thoughts. 

But ultimately, I write for my kids. I write so that one day they can look back at their childhood and use these posts as an intimate window into the past. I write so that we, as a family, don't forget all the incidents, activities, arguments, and conversations that made up the fabric of our life. And sometimes I write, not about Ads & Y, but about myself and my childhood and the incidents that shaped me. By doing so, I offer them a window into my personality and my values, in the hope that these will shape them and help them understand me better. So, another bonus feature of the blog is that it is often self-serving! 

A few days ago, Y was reading my posts from 2009/10. She couldn't stop at one, and kept scrolling, exclaiming things like "That's so funny" and"I was so cute, Amma!" 

Mission accomplished :) 

Friday, 30 October 2020

Biking trip to the Laurel Highlands

Drove to Pennsylvania's Laurel Highlands to see the fall colors. After our successful debut long bike ride over the summer , I've been scouting for more scenic bike trails and we found the Great Allegheny Passage (GAP) trail that winds over 150 miles through PA, WV, and MD. We did a small portion of that (22 miles/35 km) between the towns of Confluence and Ohiopyle. I wasn't sure that Y and I would make it, but we did! Not bad, huh? Of course, I couldn't sleep for 2 nights after that, my hamstrings and glutes were shrieking with pain!! But proud of this small accomplishment at my advanced age and it gives me the confidence to do more such trips with the whole family. 

The crunch of dry leaves underfoot. Red, orange and yellow splashed all over the horizon, on the mountain tops, and reflected in clear rivers. The nip in the air and the rush of wind as we biked alongside the Youghiogheny River (quite a mouthful, ain't it!). There's no season that is as beautiful and as enchanting as the fall.

Tuesday, 20 October 2020

Cricketing accomplishments

The big news in this household is that Ads recently made it to the Virginia State cricket team (yes, there is one! One of the very few state teams in the US). I am beyond happy for a variety of reasons. 

  • He continues to follow his passion, in a new country and new environment and has been pursuing cricket in one form or another for about 6 years now. This is the same kid who thought sports are a waste of time.
  • Playing at this level of competition gives him a definite leg-up in college applications (yes, I am a desi mom that way!)
  • Being a highly academically-oriented person, he needs an activity that will take him away from studies and books, and cricket has been that activity for years. 
  • An introvert benefits hugely from team sports. It provides much-needed socialization, soft skills, builds resilience, and helps them learn with loss and defeat with equanimity.   
  • High school in this country is stressful and children, starting from middle-school onwards, need exceptional time and energy management skills. If his workload this year is heavy, next year (junior year) will be even toughter with more AP courses, SAT prep, and college apps. Cricket will focus his mind, give him fresh air, exercise, and relieve some of the stress, which is what I am hoping. 
He came back from playing the Bilateral series on Sunday and I innocently asked him to take some rest. He looked at me with great scorn. "And who will do my work, Amma?" 
He worked that night until 11.30 :( 

Thursday, 8 October 2020

Il terrazzo

The balmy breeze of the Bay of Bengal would swoop in around 3 in the afternoon, bringing some welcome relief from the oppressive heat of the day. And in Madras, the heat is almost always oppressive. After 5 pm, the terrace was the best place to be. Being so close to the beach, the sea breeze was strong and wonderfully refreshing, drying the sweat that had accumulated in those pre-AC days. The beach was a short walk away, not over fine golden sand, but through short grasses and dry scrub, coconut trees looming over the landscape until finally you clambered over a dune and saw the sea in its solitary majesty. 

We were rarely allowed to go to the beach without a chaperone. The elders deemed it too lonely and unsafe. Later when I did make it on my own, I wondered why. It was lonelier than Elliotts Beach but I liked it all the more for the sparse scattering of people and the wheatgrass and aloe vera juice vendor doing brisk business with elderly health-conscious walkers.


The terrace was my haven and I viewed it as my territory. Often I would escape there after school, clutching my school bag and claiming that I needed some quiet to study. But the cool breeze ruffled my hair, and I would wander off into teenage daydreams and fantasies. Sometimes these technicolor journeys would be interrupted by prosaic householder problems, like when my grandfather would come up to examine the water tank, a cavernous rectangular entity of great importance in family life. This tank was powered by a motor that sat at the back of the house near the jasmine bushes. The workings of this contraption were a source of great mystery to me. An air of tension permeated the air if the motor refused to start, or if the water tank refused to fill with appropriate speed. Then I would be dispatched post-haste to the terrace, to slide over the heavy concrete top of the water tank and peer inside, while downstairs grandfather tinkered with the motor and shouted instructions to me. Of course, many a time the motor worked with such efficiency that the water tank overflowed, precious water surging over the terrace and splashing down to the ground, causing much abuse to be heaped on the hapless person who had switched on the motor and neglected to switch it off in time. 


That Kottivakkam terrace is associated with such vivid memories. Our neighbour’s daughter was a young woman of great poise and modernity. If I had known the word in 1990, I would have said she was “cool”. She studied in Meenakshi college, spoke impeccable English, and was known to be a fierce debater in the college circuit. Although several years older than me, she invited me to attend a party she was throwing for her birthday, on her terrace. My first grown-up party invitation! Many boys and girls, all older and infinitely more sophisticated than I was, the twinkling fairy lights, cold glasses of Campa Cola and Fanta. I never met any of those people again but never forgot her kindness in inviting a raw 15-year-old to a college party. 


Sitting there on that terrace, suspended in space between the indoors and outdoors, I felt suspended in time as well. I brooded on my yesterdays, contemplated the present, and dwelt on my tomorrows. From that vantage point, I could see future horizons, hazy and indistinct, always filled with equal parts hope and trepidation. I wrote poetry on that terrace, my innermost thoughts curling and looping over white pages; years later, I flipped through those pages, now slightly yellow, and felt a rush of tenderness for that young child who carried a cauldron of jumbled emotions. 


My mind veers towards other memories of other terraces, other yards. The baking Barsaati in Delhi’s Green Park, which I only know because of photographs. Yards in Meerut, Lucknow and Patna and the only memories are of drowsy winter afternoons, luxuriating in the sunshine and snacking on red winter carrots, white radishes, and green guavas. I suppose we never sat there in the summers! Coming into the house after a couple of hours outside was disorienting, eyes having to adjust to the darkness after the bright sunlight outside and shivering inside the cold house. A rare birthday party (my 10th) on the terrace of our house in Padmanabha Nagar, Adayar. Playing musical chairs and some child giving me a pencil sharpener in the shape of a Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Bar. What a treasured possession that was, for many years!


I suppose these yesteryear echoes lie behind my love of outdoor spaces. I like nothing more than to install myself with laptop and a cup of tea in the garden or patio and while away the hours. Sometimes I work, sometimes I meditate, sometimes I ruminate.


Today I sit in a red wooden patio in suburban Virginia. Once I sprawled on a concrete floor; here there are comfortable chairs, a table, even an umbrella to shade from the sun. There are no coconut trees, but only alien oaks and beeches. Certainly no sea close by. No dull-looking pigeons and crows, but bright red cardinals and flashy blue jays. But the balmy breeze is the same. It swoops in and ruffles the trees and shakes the leaves to the ground. I close my eyes and I am transported back in time and place. 


It took many years to travel from the Kottivakkam terrace to another continent, and that lonely teenager bears no ready resemblance to the woman I have become. Yet we all contain multitudes- our past present and future selves jostle for life and expression. The girl on that terrace worked hard to give me hope happiness and life; to her, I am forever grateful.  


Thursday, 1 October 2020

Eulogy - 25 years later



Yesterday, my father posted about Kailasam
Thatha on one of the family WhatsApp groups. His father-in-law, my maternal grandfather, passed away exactly 25 years ago, after a brutal and short 5-week ordeal with cancer.  The post provoked a flood of reminiscences for me (though truth be told,  I don’t need any specific triggers to wander off into memory lane!)

Pinnavasal Sundaresan Kailasam (what long majestic names people used to have in the old days!) or PSK as he was usually known, was my favourite grandparent. Short and compact physically, he was a towering personality. Thatha was a typical Arien - warm-hearted, generous, energetic, witty, humorous, affectionate, with a fiery temper that subsided as soon as it had flared up. He also had a gorgeous smile, and to date, remains one of the most attractive people I have ever encountered. (What is it about some people that makes them very attractive in spite of not being classically handsome? A topic for another day!). 


A cost accountant, he started his career in the Ministry of Finance and later worked his way up to the top of the ladder in many companies, his work taking him to New Delhi, Dehradun, Kochi, Chennai, and Dubai before family issues forced him into early retirement. 


The logical numbers machine was complemented beautifully by the creative gene. Thatha had a masterly command over both English and Tamil and wrote more than fifty short stories and novels, many appearing in well-known Tamil magazines. My father says that given a few more years of good health and if not for the distractions of career and family, he could have become one of the best Tamil writers of his time. I like to think of his writing and creativity gene traveling through me to my children, and often think about how proud he would have been of his great-grandchildren. 


We were good friends, united by a shared love of books and reading and writing. I stayed with my grandparents for a couple of years in high school and he was the de-facto presence at parent-teacher meetings, stylishly driving his imported-from-Dubai Italian Fiat. In the early 1990s, a foreign car on the streets of Chennai was a wonder indeed, and many are the days when I would imperiously shoo off excited schoolmates pressing their grimy faces against the windows when the car was parked outside my school. One embarrassing incident during the time involved a group of us teenagers getting into trouble with our school Principal and Thatha arriving in state to discuss matters with the higher authorities, and bail me out of trouble. 


He was an insomniac. Reading late into the night, he would insist I keep him company as I studied or did my homework.  As I finished up and started gathering up my books, he would plaintively ask - “Done so soon? Why don’t you stay for some more time?”

“Thatha, I have to wake up for school tomorrow!”, I would wail!


When he was diagnosed with cancer, I was in the final year of college. I well remember those harrowing times when I would be commandeered to babysit my twin toddler cousins while the adults were busy with caregiving responsibilities. In the final days of his life, and in a matter of weeks, this once -active and always slender 65 year old had frighteningly shrunk into a bundle of bones. On one such afternoon, I was watching over the kids who were playing in the sick-room. I realized that Thatha was awake. Too weak to raise himself, he watched the twins for a few minutes. To my horror, a tear slowly trickled down his cheek. In that instant, I realized what he was thinking. He would never see these grandchildren grow up. Our eyes met. We remained mute, but in that unspoken moment, inarticulate angry thoughts bubbled up inside me. I was shattered by the unreasonableness, the pointlessness of life, in a way that has not happened since. That was the only day I cried for him. 


He passed away a few days later and I remember my mother asking me, a little petulantly - “Did you not cry for Thatha?” But I remained dry-eyed. How could I understand then, as I understand now, that sometimes grief can be deeply felt and experienced even without tears being shed?


He bequeathed to me his love of the written word, and he introduced me to my favourite writer of all time, who used to be his favourite writer. Even today I cannot pick up a Nevil Shute book and not think of the person who first told me about No Highway and Trustee from the Toolroom, or who helped me pick The Far Pavilions, a book I devoured cover to cover while in my teens. We were regular correspondents when we lived in different cities (and countries) and one of the highlights of my childhood was receiving his letters, sheet after sheet covered in his frankly appalling handwriting. For a time, I even saved all the letters in a file named “Letters from a grandfather to his granddaughter” imitating Pandit Nehru’s book “Letters from a father to his daughter”.  


Nostalgia is like an elastic band. It stretches to accommodate loneliness, angst, heartbreak, and even happiness. Sometimes it settles on one, light as a feather, almost invisible and undetectable; at other times, settling like unyielding stone in the crevices of one’s heart. As I relent into a nostalgic haze, I realize that grandparents give us a rare and beautiful gift. They show us their most delightful side, their wisdom, their patience, and their bountiful unconditional love. A side that their children, sons-in-law, and daughters-in-law, may not see that often (or at all)! 


Thatha was cheated out of a long and who knows, productive life. But, over the years, I know I am mourning not for him but selfishly,  for myself, and for what I was cheated out of. We were great friends, but we would have surely grown to be better ones. 


He was a wonderful mimic and would have me in splits while imitating random people or putting on an atrocious British accent. My daughter and he would have got along like a house on fire. In her, I see that same wacky sense of humour, an irreverence that makes for opportunely witty and sarcastic comments.


He would have been thrilled to read my writing, and I would have been excited to read his books and stories and discuss them with him. And I can just see him beaming with pride when my daughter’s story gets published in a magazine!


Isn't it fortunate that time is so forgiving? After people pass on, it ensures we remember them at their very best, healthiest, and happiest; after all, why remember anyone any other way?