Parenting young adults

My kids .....oops.... my young adults... are (almost) 18 and 21.

The lifestage I looked forward to, even yearned for, for years and years, has finally arrived. A couple of years ago, something shifted, and did so quite beautifully. When Advaith left home, he went to a school that was far away (11 hours by car, 2 hours by air IF we managed to get a direct flight). We couldn't just pop over with a homemade meal, rush to take his temperature, or have him come home for the weekend. The husband, who left home at the age of 16 and later went to college a good 1700 miles away from his family, opined that going so far away would turn out to be a very good decision. He was so right!

In the past 3 years, Ads has navigated painful health issues, figured out insurance, physician referrals, and orthopedic and physical therapy appointments. He found an apartment and moved there. His apartment flooded, and he had to move out for weeks (and move back in after repairs were complete). The flooding damaged his laptop and other appliances in the house. The dishwasher and AC gave constant trouble. He fell ill with viral infections a couple of times (that we know of). We were not there to help him with any of these things. He will graduate with a double major, but his real education has all happened outside the classroom. 

In these 3 years, our relationship has completely shifted. We were parents who shaped every decision, were responsible for his safety and well-being, and our dynamic was rooted, however softly, in authority. Now, we have to let go of the authority and the all-encompassing feeling of responsibility. Over the years, starting in high school, I have trained myself NOT to intervene and provide a solution. Biting my tongue several times a day is par for the course :) 

The shift to parenting adults requires more from us than it does from them. It is our role that must change, not theirs. There is a constant tension between restraint and instinct. I've personally had to reframe my responsibility from outcome to presence. Be that safe space, that judgment-free zone, that friend. But don't really believe that you can transition fully from parent to friend. Being a friend is easy :) I've always maintained to my kids that I am not here to win a popularity contest, but to be your parent. Friends want you to like them, but parents can exist comfortably inside their child's dislike :)