I decided sometime last year or the year before, that I was going to prune my life of superfluous, superficial, negative and toxic relationships. I did not wake up one day and resolve to do this - though I should have, and a long time ago! It is something that has happened quite organically over a period of time. I've stopped investing time and effort in maintaining friendships that were chugging along on the steam of nostalgia ("old times' sake!"), and where the entire onus of keeping the relationship alive and kicking had fallen on me alone. I've stopped being bothered by people who ignore me and patronize me or my family.
Keep it distant but keep it cordial (like my mom says, it doesn't cost you anything to be nice).
So far (touchwood), I haven't been in a position where someone has tested my limits; but on the other hand, my limits themselves have been expanding, which is a good thing.
I recently had a pretty surreal experiencing of spending 3 days travelling with someone who would not speak to me. I don't know what the problem is or what I am supposed to have done. We shared a hotel room over 3 days (and about 20 words in total!), and there were a lot of meals with both of us looking in opposite directions and eating in perfect silence! My two-years-younger self would have been deeply hurt. I'm happy to report that I am far more thick-skinned now and I played my part in the cold war as best as I knew how - Distant but cordial (!!). The husband asked me why I did not ask upfront what the problem was. But really - why should I? If you have a problem with me, then tell me what it is. Why should I agonize over an imaginary or trivial problem that you have? I don't have a problem with you, so I will be polite but I won't force my company or my conversation on you.
Like I tell Ads many a time - Stop sulking and crying. Go to the other room and calm down. Then tell me what your problem is.
Sometimes it seems like some people never grow up!!
PS: 3 days without talk created a mini-Vipasana-like experience which I am happy to say I coasted through :)
LOL Aparna, tell me about the Vipasana experience. I thought why in this big world i alone face such a situation, now this is convincing. I had a colleague, we work in different groups, but on the same floor and take the same cab and live in the same apartment complex. Not sure why, we have exchanged only countable amount of words in a span of 10 months. I still cannot believe myself and felt i was rude. But somewhere i kept feeling if she has a problem, can she not complan or open up. Though i tried talking she just replied and did not continue the convo. Some people i say are weird.
ReplyDeleteYup sometimes we don't know what is it we said or did that caused the rift...sometimes it may not even be anything to do with us! Anyways, better to let go and zip our mouths as well :)
Deletelol! i swear to god i am born thick skinned! if u r nice, i'll b nice - but i won't fall head over heels to make u be nice to me. u have a problem, speak up. if u choose indirect ways to express it, dont expect me to open a discussion forum!!! btw, hv u wondered if that person will get to read ur post? tha wud be fun!
ReplyDeleteI don't think so...honestly could not be bothered even if they do :)
DeleteI have gone through something similar with one of my team-mates. I wasn't very thick-skinned then and it un-nerved me in the beginning. I remember helping her to adjust in the org. and team before something went wrong. Even asked her and she said I ought to know. Cryptic, which I wasn't going to set out to decipher. But it had become mighty embarrassing to be part of a team where there was so little communication. I think people should not bring personalities into work. Lol on the mini-Vipasana experience.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately personalities do creep into work...what can u do...Also its interesting to observe the dynamics in a team comprised almost entirely of women...only we can carry on cold wars so effectively!!!
DeleteI guess we all go through this so many a times in different relationships...bt sometimes it is just important to let go, and then a peaceful and calm approach...I quite like ur post..
ReplyDeletehttp://journeyintrance.blogspot.in/
Thanks Radhika, and welcome here :)
DeleteI Like your attitude, I don't sweat the small stuff. I'm nice to people and they are nice to me. Simple.
ReplyDeleteSimple but not everybody gets it, hey? :)
DeleteBeen there, done that. Got over it, too. Grew up. If people have a problem with me, I can take that. But I don't have to go out of the way to build a relationship with them. I have realised this the hard way, and am now much more thick-skinned and happier. I try to ensure, as far as possible, these days, that people do not mistake my kindness for weakness and walk all over me. 'Trying' is the key word here.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the other person might not have had a problem with you at all. He/she might just be awkward in social situations, an introvert who prefers to be in silence rather than talk. I am one, so I know. :) Of course, since you were right there, you are the better judge. :)
Hi TGND...trust me, that was/is not the case :)
DeleteI usually talk it out with people if I find that they have a problem with me .. But only if I trust them to take it well and respond .. If I get doubts that they may use it against me, then silence is golden .. It all depends on the person we are handling ..
ReplyDeleteI have had experiences in the past where pushing things under the carpet backfired badly .. Things that are bound to go wrong do so anyway .. But keeping quiet makes us have discomfort brewing inside all the time .. Too much negativity within .. Just not worth the trouble ..
But if its a relationship that is not all that important then its fine to just leave it I guess .. So if you trust the person's good nature and the relationship matters to you, maybe you can try talking it out .. I didn't mean to advice .. Just my thoughts on what you have written :)
Hey aarthy, thanks for the comments...of course there is a history and context to the whole situation which I did not explain...But I agree with u when u say that if the relationship is close or worth preserving, then talking it out is the best option.
DeleteI wonder if all (or most) of us go through this phase when we feel it is our personal responsibility to keep everyone around us happy, and if someone isn't, it's somehow our fault. I definitely did, and it brought me a LOT of grief, so I can totally identify with what you're saying here. I think I'm also in a "somewhat" zen mode where nothing much fazes me for too long (fingers crossed it lasts a while ;)).
ReplyDeleteCannot imagine the situation you mentioned though, Vipassana indeed!!
I think I may also be in somewhat zen mode...operative word is "somewhat" :)
DeleteAh sweet thirties. When u finally learn to chill if someone u don't particularly care for acts distant. I have learnt it too and I must say it is more fun than obessesing over what I could have done!
ReplyDeleteSeriously...sweet 30s indeed!
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