I've been thinking, lately, about traditions, their importance and what kind of traditions I am, or should be, passing on to my kids. Anybody who reads this blog knows that I am the kind of mom who over-analyzes everything - what my kids said, did and feel, what I said, did and feel, and how everything ties up (or doesn't!) together! As much as I think I'm a pretty well-sorted out person, there's a time of year, which is the time all the festivals come around, when I tend to get a little muddled. So help me out here folks, by lending your ears eyes and please chip in with helpful comments :)
So, first, the disclaimers and the background. S and I are not at all religious. I believe religion evolved in various civilizations in response to the need to evolve codes of conduct, lines of duty, and accepted behaviour to ensure a well-ordered and well-functioning society. Rituals, privileges (or lack thereof), customs came later, largely evolving and mutating as responses to shifts in power balance between different groups of people (call them races, tribes, communities, whatever). The creation of legal systems (laws), formal government and administrative apparatuses have made religion, in my view, completely obselete. Be that as it may, these are matters of faith and what people believe to be corporeal duties designed to ensure their heavenly ascent (I'm not even going there). I'm not averse to going to the odd temple but I would do it to appease/please someone in the family and not because I want to go there and fold my hands in front of the presiding diety and pray for some worldly achievement/good. I've had a few interesting convos with Ads about this and more about that in a separate post!
The thing is, religion has become so intertwined with culture that many a time, the two are almost seen as synonymous even though such is not the case. This bothers me. I'm fine with reading the Ramayana as a seminal classic and epic poem, not as a religious text. Rama is a mythological hero - I can deal with that, but not with Rama as an incarnation of Vishnu to be worshipped and venerated. This is precisely the reason why when it comes festivals, I fail to muster any steam for celebration. I enter into Deepavali and Navarathri with gusto - I can assemble a Golu, prepare the sundal, brighten the house with lamps/candles, burst crackers - as long as I am not expected to do the expected pujas and rituals. Other festivals like Krishna Jayanthi (Janmashthami) and Vinayaka Chaturthi fall by the wayside simply because they do not offer me a non-religious outlet to celebrate them. Take Pongal - I fail to see the relevance of a harvest festival to city-bred louts like me :)
So, tell me folks. How important is it to establish family 'traditions' in your kids' life? Are they important at all? Are they just overrated? I've heard people say that they celebrate festivals together as a family in a certain way every year and that's their 'tradition'. I confess hesitantly to a wholly illogical inferiority complex (aah...the head knows, but the heart doesn't!!) when I hear of people doing such a great job of celebrating our festivals, observing all the customs and involving their kids in the whole process. I think the traditions I need to impart to my kids are indistinguishable from shared values and ethics - honesty, integrity, empathy, respect for others, and so on. Yes, that would involve respect for other's faiths and religious beliefs as well. Our family traditions are a shared love for books, experimentation with different cuisines, a healthy appreciation for the arts, exploration and travel! Deciding to take a family vacation during the long Deepavali weekend (and skipping the festival altogether, maybe) - is it such a bad thing?
I'm not sending my kids to the Bal Vihar classes here in our complex although everyone and his mother is attending them because learning a few slokas and bhajans which they don't understand directly clashes with my beliefs. When my kids are old enough to make decisions on their faith and religion, by all means they can learn and absorb all that they want. I'd rather send them to Carnatic music classes instead.
So, what are your traditions? Are they all religion/culture-related or have you come up with wholly new and interesting traditions on your own? Have I over-analyzed the whole non-issue and missed the wood for all the trees?
show your kids how its done, if they like it, then you have a reason to repeat.
ReplyDeleteif they don't.... you'll have no regrets. If you decide that they'll have to decide for themselves at 18, then they probably wont do it. Its like I wishing to join Sloka classes now and just cannot. We're busy with other things in life :)
As for festivals themselves, If we start looking at things in pure logical terms, we will have much to lose.
For instance, whats the point of a wedding to seal a marriage?
Disclaimer: I'm no great follower of traditions myself. Just trying to look at things from a different perspective.
This is so weird Aparna, just this year I've been having this big revelation that with my parents staying close by I have been amiss in getting into the traditions and celebrations myself and have hardly a clue where to begin. I have a very similar non-religious streak so have never been "into" most of these festivals, and now our family has a mixed culture (hubby's Mallu Christian, I'm Tam Brahm) making it all the more complicated :). Hanging on by a thread thanks to parents and parents-in-law basically!!
ReplyDeleteI would tend to not highlight the religious overtones, but still keep the essence of the celebration. Such as Ganesha idol(eco-friendly of course ;)) with the food and the decorations, but without chants and mantras. Or Krishna Janmasthami with the food and the footprints leading into the house. Note that food is an important common aspect always ;)!
Excellent post Aparna. Candid and reasonable about your pov vs how others might feel about it. Not putting any one down for doing what they do. I am a confused soul when it comes to religion. I grew up in a traditional household. But I changed somewhere along the line. I still enjoy following some traditions but I don't enjoy it in isolation - if I were in India I would celebrate Diwali/Krishna Jayanthi etc. When I pray I am still not clear on what God I am praying to. I pray to Hanuman because I grew up doing that - I ascribe that form to the higher power that I still have not understood but I know is there. Or to that cosmic mystery that I call higher power. It is good that you are clear on why you would or wouldn't do something...I think just that clarity will help Ads form his own opinion. My husband is Agnostic and I am somewhere in between - makes it harder for me - do I take KB to Bal Vihar or not..do I teach him to do pranams at a temple just to please my mother and not act too disrespectful of people to whom that is important (who care about me/him)...I just feel it is good for him to know our cultural practices - so I expose him to it. But I don't over do it or force it on him.
ReplyDelete@Life_Refactored: Appreciate your perspective. I do understand that everybody does things in a different way...maybe I shd just go with the flow and not *think* too much...However I am beginning to agree that I shd just pick and choose what I like, for e.g what Aparna said abt celebrating the festival, doing the fun and food part and leaving out the religious part.
ReplyDelete@Aparna: What you say makes sense. Thanks...I think that's what I shd do....why deprive them of the fun aspects..? That's why I was particular abt Golu and crackers etc, and of course new clothes and the food! :)
ReplyDelete@Noon: We seem to be in the same boat!! I see lots of parents wrestling with the same issue (tho they may not express it as an issue as such), and they do a good job (as u seem to be doing), straddling the thin line between exposing their kids to various facets of the culture and staying true to their own beliefs. Thanks for the comment!!
ReplyDeleteNice post. I remember having these questions sometime ago (though mine was slightly different since I am not even particularly a believer). If you want to mull through my predicament - http://royalvilla.blogspot.com/2010/10/festival-time.html
ReplyDeleteDon't have kids and hence clearly going to give views without any empirical evidence what so ever
- As a kid I used to love celebrating festivals because it meant good food. And comparing notes with other kids on what respective moms made. My folks were not ritualistic and were happy to just celebrate the really big ones like Diwali and Pongal. As for the rest, we used to usually celebrate festivals which the neighbours did (i.e. putting baby feet outside the door for krishna jayanti in Chennai but totally dropping the celebration in Calcutta where no one cared). As kids we did not stick out like sore thumbs this way.
- Have found out that my in-laws have a tradition of telling the story of the God who is at the centre of the festival at the time of their puja. A tradition I totally love and would like to do if I have kids some day. As you said, the religious epics have good masala value. and to a certain extent seem to be the sort of thing that introduces children to the early concept of good and evil (before they grow up and start deliberating on whether Krishna was a God or a politician). This way you get to keep the religious ceremony down to a minimum or do away with it. But still can have some sort of focus for all the food and decorations.
@Anita: Thanks. i've replied in response to the post on your blog.
ReplyDeleteThis is so interesting.....I have been brought up with all the rituals but being an atheist never cared for them much. Uncharecteristically, though, I felt I had to do something during Diwali when i was in Norway. That may also be because everything was cold and dark and the festival of light seemed like a good idea!
ReplyDeleteSo I guess it does make you feel rooted and like a seamless part of history rather than a 'here now, gone tomorow' event! Having said that, I know one friend whose radical parents did not celeberate anything with her...and all her religious education was through friends and neighbours. Now 27, I think she has turned out quite well.
We just pick a few festivals and do the fun parts. I think it makes a difference to kids to have some consistent things - like Holi, Diwali, Navratri. And Halloween and Christmas. My neighbour's and our families exchange gifts (adults and children) and she gets up the enthu for a tree, a nice breakfast that day that we both contribute too, have some tea and talk for a bit. Still nothing religious, not even all the complicated food...just some dressing up, talking about the festival and general fun.
ReplyDeleteI think shloka class is overkill, if it isn't part of your belief system. And they can always learn it when they grow up, if they want! I play some Sahasranamam in Tamil some mornings and it calms me down. If that is your thing, just playing it at home is enough....kids are pretty smart about picking things up if they want to.
@Sumanya: Thanks for commenting. I feel fairly lucky that both sides of the family, though by themselves religious, haven't ever imposed it on us, except for visits to temples and such which are little more than annoyances. Bottomline is, I have to be true to myself, everything else comes later.
ReplyDelete@sangi: wise words from the wise!! :) That's pretty much what I see everybody else has also been saying...pick a few festivals, do the fun parts. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteyes Aparna, the fun part can be incorporated and the religion part can be left to the kids to be pondered upon later by them when they grow older. Kids are smart these days and can sense the conviction or the lack of it in our explanations..:-)
ReplyDeleteGood post!