2023 Recap

What a whirlwind year 2023 has been! 

THE most eventful year of our married life. 

January - we started seeing our new house coming up. What had been mud and stones in late 2022 started taking shape slowly.

I went to NYC for a few days of Board meetings (where I was inducted as Board Chair), followed by a very adventurous road trip in Arizona with my dear friend J.

The minute we landed in Phoenix, S told me the good news that Ads had been admitted to UW-Madison.

February - I joined my lovely Zumba class. 

The four of us went to DC to see Jerry Seinfeld in the flesh. 

March - Spring! Lots and lots of lovely flowers and sunnier days. We went to DC and Maryland to see the cherry blossoms.

April - To the coast (Hampton) for spring break, a nice week staying in a quiet airbnb. 

I participated in the World Bank Spring meetings in DC and moderated a panel on Climate and Health, which I was super nervous about. There was a lot of prep involved and we didn't have a great turnout but it was a good experience. 

We closed on the new house and my cousin and her husband came over and did a small pooja for us.

We got a lot of vendors into the house for putting up blinds, closets, etc etc.

May - Yukta had her homecoming dance. 

I went to Bangalore on work. Also spent a few days with my folks in Chennai and with friends in Bangalore. Bonus: Attending a close friend's son's poonal and a niece's engagement in Chennai.

However, my trip meant that I was not there for S's birthday this year. He and the kids went to New Jersey to attend a family wedding when I was away. 

June - The craziest month of the year! It started with Ads' high school graduation just a day after I landed back in the US.

My colleagues from Bangalore visited for a few days of meetings in DC. 

As soon as the school year ended, we moved into the new house. It was a real pang leaving our Chantilly home of 5 years. 

We worked like mad getting the house in order and within a week left for a few day's break in Chicago and then on to Madison for Ads' orientation. Blown away by the beautiful campus and the clockwork manner in which the parent's and student's orientations were organized.

Met my old college buddy Sow after 20 years!

July - Watched the Independence Day fireworks with Y, live for the first time.

S's parents arrived. 

We went on a road trip to Philly and New Jersey, where we also had a mini IIMB reunion. S then took his parents to NYC while I came back home with Y

August - S took his parents to Niagara Falls.

My mil's bday and Ads turned 18!

We went to Ocean City for a few days to celebrate the last days of summer. We also visited Chincoteague and Assateague. It was a lovely trip with warm sunny weather. 

Y started her freshman year in the new school. 

We dropped Ads at his new home for the next 4 years - Madison. 

September - My birthday! I went to Houston for my uncle's 60th birthday pooja.

Then to NYC for UN week. It was my first time at UNGA and NYC was even crazier than usual. Great experience speaking at a panel on reproductive justice and meeting lots of folks. Bonus: spending time with my friend J.

S started a new job at Stout, ending a solid 11 years at Grant Thornton.

October - Trip to Shenandoah NP.

Golu at the new house, our biggest one yet and the first time I have a proper stand. Invited a ton of people and for 3 days the house was buzzing. 

The fall colors in 2023 were spectacular and S and I took many many walks documenting the vivid foliage. 

We went to Hershey's Chocolate World for my fil's birthday and he was like a kid in THE candy store!

November - Y's 15th birthday.

I went to upstate New York for a conference.

My in-laws returned to India.

Diwali. My neighbors and I organized a get-together with food and fireworks for the community which was a lot of fun. 

Ads came back home for Thanksgiving and we had a nice lunch at my cousin's place. I learned how to make mashed potatoes and gravy!

Our new dentist found a worrying cyst in Y's mouth and she had to have a biopsy. It turned out to be a benign water cyst which needed a second surgery to remove.

December - Yukta's surgery to remove the cyst and subsequent few days of recovery. 

We went to the Dominican Republic for a few days and it was a gorgeous and relaxed finale to a super eventful year.

Whew!!

We hosted a lot of people last year- lots of lunches, dinners, and high teas (the last with our new neighbors in a bid to get to know everyone better), plus family who came to stay. My culinary skills definitely improved. I learned how to make Indian bakery-style vegetable puffs from scratch, and other things with puff pastry. 

Grateful for all the relationships we were able to nourish, all the transitions we navigated with relative ease, our new house with its beautiful mountain views, and neighbors all of whom are really nice and friendly. 

Lots of things to look forward to in 2024. But that's another post!

Resilience, Reinvention and other such Random Ramblings

I have been counting. In the last 44 years, I have lived in 30 distinct places. 30 places I have called home at various points in time. The number is staggering and even absurd. What were my parents thinking?!!!

I counted the places we've lived in after we got married. The count is 10. My 14-year-old has lived in 7 houses/apartments. We've basically moved him to a new place every 2 years. What were we thinking?!!! Since I am still counting, he's studied in 7 schools up until now. Guess he's not making my record of 12 schools. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing :) 

I've been thinking a lot about resilience, and courage, and risk-taking ability. I did not grow up with friends I knew from kindergarten. Of course, my parents did not deliberately set out to change my school almost every year, but that's what happened. There have been only 3 years when I have not been the new girl in class. So every year that I moved schools, I was the one with no friends, no associations, no frame of reference, starting at the bottom of the social ladder. Making friends quickly was the first job in every new school, a task an introverted kid is singularly unfit for. Yet I shudder to think how much more introverted I might have developed to be if I had stayed cocooned in the security of the same home/city/school. 

It's hard to pinpoint the exact emotional state from so long ago. I am pretty sure there were some miserable lonely times. I do remember hating every move, the terror and uncertainty of the unknown never lessening with the passage of years. The ability to mask it under a veneer of confidence, however, increased exponentially. Over a period of time, even the aforesaid fear of the unknown largely evaporated. One just got braver, and more resilient. 

Hindsight is always 20-20 :) I read a beautiful quote somewhere - "I will forgive myself for not having the foresight to know what I now know in hindsight". Looking back, I would not change any of the experiences I underwent. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! And this gives me a lot of strength and consolation as I think about my kids. Especially Ads, who even as a baby and a toddler, was one of the most cautious, scared kids around. For many years, minor changes in his schedule would lead to full-blown tantrums. That his ability to handle change was weak, was obvious to us very early on. A lot of our parenting with him has involved forcing him into uncomfortable situations (however, this is not why we moved all over India and to and fro from the US!). 

Willy-nilly, it happened. We see the results now, in his quiet confidence, courage and resilience. When we moved from India in 2018, I was very very anxious about his ability to handle this big transition. Having seen him tackle it head-on and just do what it takes to integrate and come out ahead, I'll be sure not to suffer unnecessary sleepless nights next time around!

A big part of the parental contract is protecting your kids from the vicissitudes of life. To the extent that we can, all of us want our kids to have a safe untroubled childhood. But exposing them to change, uncertainty, failure - this is part of the parental contract too. This gen will come of age in a VUCA world, and they need all the tools they can equip themselves with. And for most of us, we need to consciously build in challenges, experiences and situations that force our kids to go out of their comfort zone in a controlled environment, when we are watching over them. Because soon enough, we won't be there to stand guard and they will have to navigate this chaotic world on their own. 

Some concrete examples of conscious actions we have taken/are taking to inculcate independence and resilience in our kids:
1. Independent living - Do chores around the house. Picking up their stuff, folding their clean clothes, throwing soiled clothes in the laundry, making their beds and keeping their rooms clean are expected. It's their job to clean the table every night after dinner and help in clearing up the dishes. I've been working on training Ads to chop veggies and iron his own clothes, but it's a WIP.
2. Academics - I haven't as much as glanced at their homework or test prep for many years now, unless it is voluntarily offered up for inspection, and their grades thus far have been great (positive correlation or causation?!!!) Keeping on top of schoolwork, studying for tests, exams etc, getting decent grades, is their job and their job only. Occasionally I will help out if there is a big project looming. This happens maybe once a year. 
3. Empathy - Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and reinforce the importance of empathy. We have made a lot of strides in the first one and are still working on the second. A regular family volunteering activity would go a long way to promote empathy and this is a personal goal for me this year.
4. Self-care - Exercise and be mindful. Again, WIP. Ads has been doing well on this and he exercises every single day and has a daily meditation routine. We are working with Y on this as well.
5. Socialization - Communicate, make plans, ask for help. We do a lot of this when we travel in Latin America, where it is Ads' job to walk up to random people and ask for directions, opening and closing times, and other general stuff which clueless travellers need to know :) Ordering in restaurants is another way for kids to communicate their own choices. We have to do more of this, including making them shop for groceries and check out with minimal assistance from us.

I feel like this list keeps increasing in length, and every week I can think of something else that I need to teach my children. Life is complex, and it will only get more so as they enter college, and the workforce, and the demands of the real world. As I keep reminding Ads, grades don't matter that much, but it's all the other stuff you learn at this age that is key - how to be independent, organized, socially savvy, brave and empathetic - to be a success at living. I'm not sure he totally buys into what he considers my mumbo-jumbo though!! 

The power of transitions

This post was originally published on Medium.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us……

These immortal words by Charles Dickens come to mind when I look back at the last year. In the summer of 2018, we moved countries and continents and I faced failure after repeated failure in getting my next role. I give myself an ‘A’ for effort; I networked, called and met people, applied to all sorts of organizations for all kinds of roles, had several interesting conversations and promising interviews; yet, the result, if measured in terms of a concrete job offer, was a big fat zero.

I played the blame game for a while. I blamed the lack of opportunities suited to my profile. I blamed vague implicit hiring biases. Most of all, I blamed my fate as the trailing spouse, being forced to move cities and continents for the sake of my husband’s career. I am not proud of the many resentful thoughts I harboured for months. Try as I might, the worst and pettiest elements of my nature reared their ugly heads as I focused angrily on the most negative aspects of my life. Every day, I had to brutally refocus my thoughts on all that was beautiful and infinitely precious — good health, the kids, our home, a loving family, financial security — and give thanks for all that I had. It was enough, I told myself. Even if I didn’t have anything else, what I already had was over and beyond what most people enjoyed.

I walked for miles and miles, in the most inclement weather, pounding out my frustration on the asphalt. Over a period of months, slowly but surely, my confused thoughts gained clarity. Out of the bleak and opaque quagmire settled in my brain, arose some degree of coherence.

I was able to answer some cardinal and elemental questions. What did I really want? What were the fundamental principles and values on which I wanted to base my life? What was truly important to me? Did I need or want the career that I was expected to have (and whose expectations were these?), or did I need to craft a life that would harmonise every aspect of my life and leave space for my many eclectic interests? How could I unshackle myself from some deep-rooted insecurities, and the expectations of others, to pursue a life that was truly undeniably authentically mine?

I believe this is an Alcoholics Anonymous mantra- “You can’t think your way into a course of action; you can only act your way into a course of thinking.” I like to think that all those hours and miles of walking, all those hours spent cleaning/cooking/caring for my family, all those hours meditating and twisting myself into yogic asanas, all of this inexorably led to a profound re-evaluation of my life goals.

I’ve been told by people who know me well, that I am confident, and resilient, and strong. The last year tested all those assumptions to the hilt, and then some. Transitions lead to unexpected and often painful change but as I learnt, change is often a prized gift, an opportunity to reflect, reframe and recharge.

I used to think of opportunity costs, the sacrifices I made to support someone else. On a bad day, I could easily relapse into a quasi-victim mentality. Haven’t I paid the double tax of being a woman and a mother, and being a trailing spouse? But victimhood helps no one. What the transition gave me in spades, was time. Immeasurably priceless, for how often are we offered an all-paid holiday to just think? Clear the cobwebs of the mind, contemplate, ruminate, chew the cud?

Finding one’s life purpose, I used to think, was that lightbulb moment when all would be magically revealed. I did find my life’s purpose in one such A-ha! moment many many years ago. What I did not realize is that purpose, just like one’s personality, beliefs and tastes, changes over time. It mutates and evolves, fueled and enriched by our experiences, our difficulties and our failures. What is my purpose today, may or may not stay the same a few years down the line.

Today, having “acted my way into a course of thinking”, I remember this famous poem by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth……

No matter what we do, we will at times always think about what we didn’t do, what we could have done, what we were meant to do but didn’t….But the difference is only in our heads.

What is, is now.

The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “Character is destiny”. Who we are, is infinitely more important than what we’ve done.

A big change

We are in the second half of 2018, and the year seems to have whizzed by. December 2017 onwards, has been a blur of activity and busy-ness, and somehow, here we are, thousands of miles away from India, calling the United States home again for an unknown period of time. We knew the move was coming, but we didn’t know it was to the US. We had spent months considering a couple of options in Asia and Europe, never thinking the US was a possibility; when it was broached to me, it came as an unpleasant surprise as it had never been in my consideration set but there it was, suddenly popping up like an unwelcome visitor. 

It took a few weeks to come to grips with the decision, and accept it. It took more time for Ads to accept it with some resignation, his biggest concern of course being - How will I play cricket there?? I went through months of second-guessing myself. Did we have to move to the States in the current not-so-immigrant friendly climate? Will my kids do okay in public school? Wouldn’t they be better off in an international school, where the teachers and staff and students alike are all used to transitions? How will Ads fare in middle school (about which I heard nothing but horror stories?). This and a million other questions and anxieties kept buzzing like worried bumblebees in my brain, incessantly.

But decision taken, there is little point in worrying and its time for action not reflection! A whirlwind of activity ensued. Give notice at work, find my replacement, hand over to her. Our house in Chennai needed renovation as my parents were moving back. We had other home renovation/design projects. Research schools and places to live near Washington DC. Talk to people for advice and tips. Pull out the relocation checklist (again!) and start working on each item. For a few months I felt like I was shuttling between Koramangala, North Bangalore and Whitefield every second day, rushing from one project to another. It was sheer chaos and definitely, I could not have held it all together without my parents. In between, the kids finished up the school year, Advaith went off to a hiking and mountain biking camp in Yercaud for a week  and S and I managed a few days in Israel (more on that fantastic trip, later).

At the fag end, as we were rushing towards our departure date, I would have moments of sheer panic. Why were we doing this? Hurtling into the unknown, leaving behind all that is secure and  familiar and wonderful? Why, indeed, have we done these transitions, over and over and over again? The husband would reassure me with the reasons I knew so well, and which I completely agreed with. Yet, even as my head knew the answer, the heart rebelled violently. 

Now that we are settled into our new home, I have to admit that the transition has been hardest on me. Which I am actually glad about, because I worried most about the kids and how they would manage with the new environment in a new country. Fortunately, children are more resilient than their parents! I am very happy that they took hardly any time to settle in, make friends and now go off to school everyday as happy as can be. Y has even taken a Korean classmate, who speaks next to no English, under her wing! I, on the other hand, have done more poorly than expected. 

Everything felt hard. Learning to drive on these roads again, getting a drivers license, setting up the house, getting our life organized…..mostly I just blame the fact that I am older now and simply don’t have the energy to do this any more. I also know, that a few years later, if we get the chance to move to an exciting country, I will be the first person to jump at it!

Yes, replete with contradictions……..but what’s life without  some contrariness, some change and lots of new things to do and learn! One of the senior people I work with said, when I went to say my goodbyes - “I think you guys are very brave to move at this stage.” And I said - “You can call it brave or foolish, sometimes they are one and the same thing!”

Coming up for air

I would have blogged earlier but my laptop gave up on me and amidst the battery of chores that remain to be accomplished when trying to settle down in a new home/city, I've been on the phone with Dell tech support a lot! 

So. Here we are. A crazy couple of weeks of work and more work. A week at the hotel until our goods arrived, move-in cleaning of the new apartment, unpacking the cartons and getting the house in shape while simultaneously dealing with the Bangalore weather (Hot!! I feel cheated!) and follow ups with all the vendors and service providers we need. Think carpenters, plumbers, electricians, the water purifier guy, the TV guy, the broadband guy. Hiring maids, cook, driver and getting their ID cards done. Buying furniture, putting up pictures, making the house look like home. 

I told S the other day - Moving is like giving birth. You do it once and you swear you will never go through that pain again. But then some people like us never learn. Gluttons for punishment is the phrase they use for people like us.

Anyway, this is probably the nicest house we've ever lived in, a sprawling place with enough nooks and corners for everybody. The kids have their own bunk beds and for the last week, have been sleeping all night on their own, which is a VERY BIG DEAL for us indeed!

I'll get started with regular programming soon, hopefully. We have another week before we fly to New York City for a long-awaited trip. It's going to be my first long-haul flight without S so keeping fingers crossed, though I bet Disney Pixar will take care of most of the entertainment needs. At the end of the trip is our meeting with my mint-new niece, my brother and SIL -and my kids and I are super-excited at the bought of holding and playing with the little one.

Off I go now, to call some more people who haven't delivered stuff that was supposed to be here a week ago :)

Adieu and hello

There are some who'd like to give me a hard kick in the backside for saying this (read all my friends and relatives who are Delhi-haters and would like nothing better than to move down south/west but are stuck in NCR for various reasons). I had tears in my eyes after I handed over our apartment keys to the landlord and was on my way home to our Gurgaon hotel. As the movers were packing away, quite efficiently and obviously needing little or no input from me, I indulged in some reminiscing and grew all mopey thinking of the wonderful times we had in the last 3 years. Sure, there have been some lows, and I'll be the first to admit that for a non-native to live in NCR can be incredibly challenging and frustrating.

But people make all the difference and we struck pay dirt in that department. So many friends, lovely helpful people who enriched our lives immeasurably. Ads was using my phone to text one of his school friends. They promised to keep in touch through fb and skype (Aside: He asked me when he could have  a fb account - I pretended not to hear him!).

The friend texted: Friends forever.

Ads texted back: Yes. Friends forever.

The exchange has been running in my mind like a repetitive track all through the last few days.  Friends forever? I don't think so. Not when you are 7 and will in all likelihood never meet each other again. And when I was driving to the hotel, the thought again brought tears to my eyes. Lost and broken friendships, the pattern of my life and it seems, the pattern of my kids' lives as well.

My ever-unflappable and practical husband asked me to be more positive, not realizing that I just needed a day or two to collect myself and miss the good times. Soon I will be able to collect them all and store them away in memory, to be relived and smiled over again and again in the future. 

To be so sad at leaving one home, yet so happy to be entering another - aren't I lucky?? :)

Afternoon rambling

Slowly and surely, it's all falling into place. The familiar feeling of being suspended in-limbo has taken over and the heart has guarded and steeled itself against any unexpected emotional responses and withdrawal symptoms.

The house in Bangalore is being painted and necessary repairs done. A hotel has been identified close to it where we'll stay for the week or 10 days that we have to wait for our goods to follow us from Gurgaon. Friends have been commandeered during this time to provide moral support and shopping companionship as I sally forth to buy furniture, curtains and rugs for the much larger place we are moving into. Peeps in Bangalore, much appreciate recos on places to buy all of the above -- we'll be staying in Whitefield, so please don't suggest places in JP Nagar!! FYI, I strongly veer towards traditional Indian work.

The schools have been given notice, as have my maid and cook, who are understandably sad at my leaving. Even if I say so myself, S and I are very good employers - I pay above market rates because I think a good househelp is the greatest treasure anyone can have (and its a hard job as anyone knows!), I do atleast of the quarter of the work assigned to the help by myself (I like washing dishes and doing laundry!), I'm generous with loans and advances (and I've never been taken for a ride - yet) and most importantly, we travel so much that the help has atleast a week off every month! :) Last minute shopping has been done. We're getting some furniture custom-made - Delhi is really good for that sort of thing and you have excellent carpenters and woodworkers here. The car will be sold in a couple of days. Fortunately, our current place is very centrally-located and it won't be a major hardship to be bereft of a set of wheels. The movers have come looked at the stuff we have and provided a quote, which has been duly accepted.

It helps that the weather here seems to have moved seamlessly from winter to summer with no suggestion of spring! It makes the thought of moving to cooler and infinitely pleasanter climes so much easier! I've been trying to find one good thing about the summer in Delhi-NCR for the last three years and have come up with precisely one reason. My appetite drops so dramatically during the season that all I consume is loads of water, lime juice and icecream. Plus I try and swim almost everyday, with the result its the time of year I look the most fit and toned (if a little wilted). The one silver lining!

Another 2 weeks to go! It's been a good innings here (nonwithstanding the gun that was pointed at the husband a couple of years ago - remind me to relate that incident sometime!). I have never had any major separation pangs while moving; sometimes I wonder whether it's a coping mechanism I developed early on to deal with frequent relocations. When we moved to the US from Bangalore, a dearly-loved city, the tears that flowed were only because I did not know when I would be seeing my parents again. When we left San Francisco, there was anxiety about a new life in India, worries about Ads being able to adjust, but no regret about leaving that golden land. Perhaps, the new economic reality for many of us is that India is the golden land of opportunity, much as the USA used to be a couple of generations ago!
Enough rambling for one afternoon, I guess :) Time to go and prep Ads for his admission test!

A guest post - on change and adapting to it

The Girl Next Door very sweetly asked me to write a guest post on her blog. I had to rack my brains for a couple of weeks to come up with a suitable topic. What I started to think of writing and what finally came out were two very different things; but anyhow, I had fun penning down my thoughts! Here's the post - http://thegalnxtdoor.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/on-change-adapting-to-it-life-and-kids/.

Thanks, TGND, for reaching out not to mention that very nice intro :)

Dilli ki sardi and an announcement

It's been almost 3 years that we moved to Delhi-NCR and finally, the lure of the Delhi winter is fading somewhat. Partly due to the fact that we've had the coldest winter in many decades this year (Gurgaon managed a cool zero degree minimum for 2 days running), partly because I'm getting older and not getting any exercise so when the cold wind blows, it hits me right...ooh....in the spine, radiating waves of pain up down and along the sides of my back. 

So I posted my usual once-a-year fb update on how cold it was (we'd just had the coldest day in 44 years) and got the usual responses from people all over the globe. Why are you complaining? It's minus 5 here. You don't have to shovel snow. Come to Canada, its minus 15 here now.

Really, people. I don't naysay the many hardships of living in a truly cold country. But come to Delhi just for one winter. Stay in an apartment with really poor insulation, no hot running water unless you keep the geyser on all day, no central heating and non-carpet cold floors, and then tell me whether or not you're better off living in a centrally-heated and well-insulatedhome, having hot water on tap, wall-to-wall carpeting, and heated indoor public spaces.

There are days when being inside our flat is more miserable than being outside in the fresh air!

I was huddling near the room heater, wearing several woolly layers and talking to my parents on skype. They are currently in the east coast of the United States. My dad was in his shirt-sleeves and cheerfully told me - "It's minus 1 here today!"

Damn! :)

But - the silver lining. We will be moving to Bangalore in a few months. I'm still very conflicted about the decision. I love Delhi - it's food (beyond compare), it's shopping (umatched), it's history and monuments, it's parks - the list will go on and on. But Bangalore holds a very special place in my heart too. Plus I have lots of friends there, many more than in Delhi-NCR. Best of all, we will be so much closer to Chennai and the kids will get to visit with their grandparents so much more frequently. If that's not a silver lining, what is?

 

Updates - Feb

There's been a lot going on here at Casa Mommyland. Work has picked up a good amount of steam and I have two new blogging assignments (both are paid - yay! And one is work-related). S and I have been trying to sort through a lot of admin and personal stuff. After the kids are asleep, we sit down on the dining table and  get going. That's how romantic we have become :)
The kids break for their first summer break in March (mid-march in Ads' case and end of March for Y) and they have 10-15 days off at that time. An SOS call has been sent out to Chennai for grandparental assistance. Initially, I just wanted someone to come over to watch the kids during their break, when I was at work. But soon, I had another, more pressing reason for help - we are moving again!!!
Yes, yes....we are being turned out of our lovely apartment. We have some time - a couple of months if we need it - but we have moved house 5 times in the last 5 years and this time, I just want to get it over with. We have started hunting for a place in the same complex, and hopefully something will come our way in the next few weeks. There aren't too many units like the one we live in, so fingers crossed!
Moves or no, the summer is here (well- almost) and I am in full vacation-planning mode. (Psssttt....not that I take account of the seasons while planning holidays...:)) Our vacation theme for this year is Exploring India through short and sasta holidays :). There are 2 long weekends coming up - Holi in March and Good Friday in April. We are going to Alwar (Rajasthan) in March, before the summer heat descends and in April, I was looking to go to the Kumaon region in Uttarakhand. I did all the research only to realize that neither train tickets nor hotel nights were available. Fully booked! Clearly there are many more freaky travel planners like me out there. We might still have managed to find the odd hotel or homestay someplace but the train waitlist was a real constraint since S does not want to drive there. Our Mussoorie (it took us 12 hours to navigate the 6-hour journey) and Jaipur road trips (7 and 4 hours respectively) last year have put us off long drives, completely.
So now, there is much discussion and argument in the household about where to go.
Not to forget that with all this happening, both the kids have been down and out with a nasty infection of the tonsils. If they absolutely had to fall ill, I would have preferred them to do it together instead of one by one, thereby making me take off more days than I can afford to. But who listens to me in this family???? No one! :(

The graduate

We'd been practicing the kindergarten speech for so long without being totally certain that Ads was even going to attend his graduation that I once asked him directly if he would mind if he missed it. He didn't seem to care one way or the other. In hindsight, considering how awesome it turned out to be, I'm glad we didn't move to Gurgaon a week earlier, I'm glad that S attended it (even though I missed it), and I'm so very glad Ads got to be there, robe and all, and pick up his graduation scroll from the Principal :)

Now - a disclaimer. All this while, I've thought the whole fuss about KG graduation, elementary and middle-school graduation, which is part and parcel of school life in the US (perhaps in other western countries too, but I'm not sure) was all so much hogwash. Absurd, even. It seemed to be an excuse for promoting mediocrity. I mean - you're supposed to study hard and pass on from one grade to the next. That's your job as a student. Why make a big song and dance about it? And it also seemed to me to take away from the final high school graduation, which of course is a big deal; especially in countries where a lot of people don't go on to college. However I suppose I'm hypocrite enough to support songs-and-dances as long as my kid is involved ;-) Perhaps for little boys and girls, it's a nice way to transition them to 'big' school. And as S wryly observes, for all the money that we are shelling out for tuition and other extras, the school better put on a show for our benefit!
Ads spoke his rehearsed few lines very well, and thankfully, my camera-ignorant husband managed to get a good video of it. Father and son had a sumptuous lunch at school and clicked a few pictures including one with Ads very wonderful class teacher. Father in particular really lucked out that day because he left home just as the packers arrived and returned after they had left. The mayhem in between was unimaginable. 6 guys - all in different rooms - throwing our stuff randomly into cartons, no labelling being done on any of the boxes, mattresses being dragged all over the common areas in the dust and dirt without any packing, and Y whining incessantly. I was close to tears. I'd planned ahead and asked one of my maids to come in around 9 and take Y to the park so that I could focus on the packing. Guess what happened. The maid walked in two hours late. I couldn't even yell at S because I had insisted on him going to school. The last straw was when one of the guys managed to pack the pulao that I had cooked at 5 am that day, along with the raita that accompanied it!!!!!!! The imbecile apparently didn't notice the two fat ladles sticking out of the pans. This was the same fellow who also managed to tear the legs off from my computer table so he was both clumsy and not very bright.
Go ahead and call it plain stupidity on my part to have volunteered to do this by myself with Y around to provide backing vocals :) Sometimes I just think I'm so smart and capable and bite off more than I can chew. Finally, the moving guys left, we handed over the flat keys, stopped by for a quick goodbye to the folks at Y's school, and headed down the highway for Gurgaon. It was only when we were halfway there that I remembered to ask Ads how the graduation went. By which time he was fast asleep!
So that was our moving day. Pure nightmare from start to finish (for me). I'm not posting about how we worked round the clock to get the new house up and running in 2 days flat. What was the tearing hurry, you may ask? None whatsoever. We just wanted to be done with it. And to prove we could :) The A-type personality lurking within us comes to the fore every now and then ;-)

Moving and movies

I've been feeling a little low lately. Partly, it's the impending move. Gurgaon is going to be the 6th city we've lived in, after our wedding in 2000; and we are moving to our 7th apartment. The whole process of packing, moving, setting up in a new place has lost some of it's allure! Partly, it's the first time I am really feeling a wrench at moving. One year ago, if someone had told me I'd feel depressed about leaving Noida, I'd have laughed in their face! But I really like it here. We have a few friends in the complex, I know where everything is, both the kids are in fabulous schools and it just seems like we're giving up a good thing to go 40 kms away and start all over again. Of course, there's no option because the 4-hour round commute every single day is killing S, but the very novel emotion of missing a city/place is contributing to my low mood. 

In addition, the looming exams are stress-inducing and the move at this time is taking up a huge chunk of my time and energy. It's been a long time since I took an exam and I think I've just lost confidence in my ability to  crack a test. The doomsday scenario - of having to repeat a year - is giving me sleepless nights. 

Ok folks, I'm just venting here - I am not the type to worry too much about anything but some days, I get all wound up and crazy! I reacted to the stress by watching three movies over the last week - The King's Speech, Vicky Christina Barcelona and The kids are all right. The last one was okay but I'm still wondering why it was in the running for an Oscar. Vicky Christina is actually the first Woody Allen movie I've seen and I loved it. And The King's Speech - brilliant. Watching films is not exactly the best way to pass exams as I'm sure you'll agree :) But now I'm feeling better for having gotten some R&R and all set to hit the books amidst the cartons and bubble wrap!

Two headaches less

Two major to-dos have been ticked off the relocation list. First, the apartment - check. A nice complex, a stone's throw from a metro station, and just off the main 'mall' road of Gurgaon. I haven't counted, but I think there are atleast 10 malls, all jostling for space next to each other, down that road. Definitely a mall-rat's Mecca, but for a mall-o-phobic like me, a plain disgusting sight. Oh well, atleast Haldiram's is a stone's throw away and visitors to our place can always go shopping if they're too bored. The complex has a tennis court, swimming pool, a (really nice) children's play area, a (tiny) gym, and is on a quiet residential street.

Second, the school - check. We interviewed at only one school, which is a new (international) school, only about 5-6 years old. People who have their kids there are happy and the online reviews that I read were also largely very positive. We took a school tour and it seemed very similar to the one Ads goes to currently, so we were hoping we would get in. And we did. We also toured another international school, which is an IGCSE school based on the Montessori method. While I really liked it, S had his own reservations regarding whether Montessori kids can cope with the mainstream system later in life. I couldn't convince him. Truth be told, I didn't try too hard since it was quite a bit more expensive than the first school, and we weren't willing to pay that much.

So. Coming back to the first school. Ads starts in the 1st week of April, in Grade I. The whole admission process was interesting. After the school tour, we met the 'Public Relations Officer' who gave us some gyan on the school. She asked both of us, individually, to fill out a long questionnaire, in order to understand our 'value systems' and 'parenting philosophy'. I don't remember all of the questions, but they ran something along these lines.

What is your life's motto?

What is your vision for yourself, and for your child?

What do you look for in a school for your child?

How do you enforce discipline in your home?

What are the 2 most important values you want to instill in your child?

How can schools and parents work together to create the best environment and opportunities for the child?

How do you define 'quality'? How do you create 'quality' in your child?

There was a father's questionnaire, and a mother's questionnaire. S and I kept comparing notes to see that we weren't writing in complete opposition to each other! I also told S that I was memorizing my answers so that I would remember what rubbish I wrote, in case the Principal asked me :)

A week later, we had an 'interaction' with the Principal. It was just a nice informal chat. She asked us some questions on our background and tried to see what kind of expectations we have from this school and the education system in general. I also think she was gauging whether we are the kind of parents she wants to have in her school, though she wouldn't admit it if we dragged her over hot coals. I'm pretty certain a lot of these new schools cater to, and actively solicit, a certain kind of student profile. In short, they want parents like us. Well-educated, articulate, in good jobs in the corporate sector. It may be unfair but it's true. It's also true that this is why parents like us prefer going to such schools, because we know we have a very good shot at getting in, unlike the better-known ones like DPS, Amity and Shriram, which have more applicants than they know what to do with. Every day, I see an article in the newspapers about parent's woes in getting admission for their kids in Delhi. Fortunately, Noida and Gurgaon have more supply than demand and the situation here isn't as crazy as in the city. 

I liked the low-pressure admission process in this school, and in other similar schools. At no point did we feel like supplicants begging for a seat. I know that as these schools become better-known, they also become more snooty in their attitude. A few years down the line, it might not be as easy getting a seat in this school. But for now, that's one headache off my list. Cheers.

Updates from Mommyland

I've been away from this blog for only a month, but it seems like several! It has been a crazy-busy time. S has been so miserable at his job that he had been looking around for other options. Finally everything came together and he landed a good role in one of his ex-companies, working under one of his ex-bosses! We went out to celebrate, not the new job, but his deliverance from the old, awful workplace :) The upside was that he could spend the whole of the winter break with us in Chennai, away from work pressures and able to relax and enjoy his cousin's wedding, the fabulous "winter" weather this year and the heavy networking with relatives that is part and parcel of a Chennai vacation.

We came back last weekend to a FREEZING Delhi. S and I were miserable. The first thing S did was run out and buy a couple of heaters. The kids took it in their stride. They always do, don't they; it's the adults who unfailingly complain! We pulled out our relocation to-do lists and started working. Because we have to move to Gurgaon - that chaotic mess of high-rises and malls and little else besides. We made a day-long trip to Gurgaon to visit a couple of schools, and we have more lined up for the weekend. We don't relocate until the end of the academic year in March 2nd week, but getting into a decent school is our first priority and everything else will follow from that. S starts work on Monday. Here's to a new year and new beginnings.

Post-script

So it has been more than 9 months gestation for us in India :) Time to take stock. Why wait for a year? 

How has the move been? A rollicking success, I'd say. There were teething troubles yes, in the first couple of months, when nothing was getting done. Vodafone screwed up, as did Airtel. We couldn't install cable. We followed up for several weeks just to get a couple of mattresses that we had ordered, delivered. The stuff we shipped from the US was delayed by 2 months. It was burning hot. Tempers ran very high! It was inevitable that I ended up comparing at that point the silky smoothness of our transition to the US, where utilities were up and running in a day, and it took one trip to Target to get our home up and running. 

But after the initial and I have to admit, expected startup issues, it has been a breeze. Probably since we weren't away from India all that long, we didn't come back with a lot of excess baggage in terms of unrealistic expectations.Probably since we really really wanted to come back, the road seemed smoother. Probably since S thinks India is the market to be in, he has been stoic about some really lousy working conditions. Probably all of the above. Net net, we are loving Delhi, kids have adjusted well and didn't fall ill (a big concern of mine) and we are reaping the substantial benefits of grandparents and family being a short flight away. We get to attend weddings, get groceries, veggies, medicines and diapers home-delivered, order library books and toys over the phone, celebrate festivals India-style, shop in Delhi's fantastic markets and gorge on street food whenever we feel like it.

It hasn't been all hunky-dory, of course, especially my domestic help situation - but that's India. You take the chillies with the jaggery :)

More friends are moving back in the next couple of years and that feels good!

r2i so far

It's been a while since I wrote. So much has been happening in the last two months that time has been at a premium. Updating my blog has been the last thing on my mind. We left the USA on 26th February. The last week was a whirlwind of packing, unpacking and re-packing, cleaning (the apartment), saying goodbyes, attending farewell dinners and ticking off the million other things on our to-do list. I was extremely stressed. We finally ended up with 6 pieces of luggage, a car seat, a stroller, a backpack and a laptop bag - all to be transported with us on Cathay Pacific. S rented a large SUV which took us to the airport. Carting ourselves to the airport and returning the rental car to Hertz was probably the last DIY activity that we performed in that land of the independent individual.

I hadn't had the time to stress about how the kids would behave on the looong flight to India, but they surpassed my wildest expectations. Truly, they were good as gold. They slept a lot on the flight and the whining and grumbling and crying was at the absolute minimum. So when we landed at Chennai airport, we were tired (who wouldn't be?), but in a decent mood. The body clock adjusted to IST in just one day and two days later, we had embarked on the mandatory temple visits to Tiruverkaadu and Tirupathi.

Tirupathi, where we went to get Y's head shaved, was a torment, as it always is. Every time I go there, the only praying I do is to wish that this is the last time I visit, and perhaps my prayer will come true this time. 

A week after we landed, S's parents organized a large get-together of the extended family, so that everyone could meet the kids. It was held on the ground floor of the apartments where they live, and it was a blast. 

Three days later, we were off to Delhi to hunt for schools and apartments. Ads will go to K.G in Kothari International School (Noida) and after a lot of hunting, we found a lovely 3-bedroom apartment in a large community in Noida. Everything is great except that the school is a 20 minute drive (one-way) from home, a slightly longer commute than we would have liked. The mistake was mine, I did not extensively research a couple of schools that would have been closer to this apartment. We shoould have interviewed with them too. Oh well.

S joined work a week ago and we flew back to Chennai, only to leave for Bangalore a few days later where I had hired packers and movers to empty our apartment and ship the furniture and kitchen stuff to Noida.

Back in Chennai now and we leave for Delhi in a week. My mom will accompany us to help us settle down, 

Whew.

The physical exhaustion is a given. The mental exhaustion, caused mainly by the horrifying realization that we have accumulated SO MUCH STUFF in the last ten years, is greater. The thought of shopping, or adding more stuff, is annoying, even disgusting. I've always enjoyed packing. The process of deciding what to keep and what to throw has always been mildly therapeutic. Unpacking, however, is a lot like opening Pandora's box! And I am not looking forward to doing this once we reach Delhi.
To sum up,  the relocation so far has been incredibly smooth. For this I am very thankful. Hopefully Ads will adjust well in the new school and S will also enjoy his new job. It will take time but we will get there.

Farewell to our minivan

So our beloved Mazda5 gets sold tomorrow and I am feeling uncharacteristically low about it. I really don't care much about cars, and know even less about their mysterious workings, but our lovely minivan has been a favourite. Is it any wonder considering that I have spent so much time driving around in it? We had a nice sedan earlier - a Hyundai Sonata. It got totalled in a crash and we upgraded to a minivan. We didn't want anything as large as a SUV (ugly and harder to maneuvre) but the Mazda struck the perfect balance between looks and comfort, convenience and aesthetics. Before anybody thinks I am moonlighting in a Mazda dealership, let me tell you what a cousin of S's told me a month ago when he peeked into my car. This is what he saw:

1. A stroller

2. A child's scooter and helmet

3. A bag of sand-toys

4. A rug for spreading on the sand/grass

5. A case of mineral water

6. Several bottles of Gatorade

7. A jar of hand and face disinfecting wipes

8. A box of tissues

9. A clear plastic case containing complete change of clothes for each kid, including spare shoes, jackets and caps.

10. 2 umbrellas

So clearly we are always well-prepared to sit out an earthquake or thunderstorm in the car. The only things missing are snacks and diapers, of which I always have a stock in my baby bag (which I always carry with me:))

Is it then surprising that I love the car -- I spend so much time in it that it's practically my second home!

S's cousin commented that I am well on my way to becoming the quintessential suburban soccer mom, which is exactly the thought that had been crossing my mind as well!

Horror of horrors!! Definitely time to leave this country :)

Why are you going back?

The immediate comeback question when I inform other desis (and unfortunately, many friends and family living in India) that we are r2i is "Why?". WHY? WHY? This has to be the second most irritating question after "What do you do all day?" (which also I encounter more frequently than I care for).

No, I am not a jingoistic flag-waving type who thinks all Indians should stay in India. In fact, I think that nationalism, and religion are both outdated concepts. (Hmm...I should do a post about this). But it amuses me that when we told people that we are moving to the USA, not one single person asked me "Why?". It's assumed that the westward movement must be for the good, but the eastward movement is somehow more suspect. Why would someone want to come back to the dust and grime and potholes of India, leaving behind the oasis of America, right?

I find we have created a certain amount of dissonance in some Indians who are straddling the fence, emotionally attached to India and longing to go back but not mustering the initiative to take the plunge. In many cases, it's too hard, and justifiably so. As one of our friends put it, he is "terrified of sinking back into a middle-class lifestyle in India". In many cases, one spouse is desperate to move back, but the other isn't -- so of course they never do. I completely get that everyone has their reasons for staying, even if that reason is intertia! But the constant questioning of our decision to go back is not something I enjoy.
So, whether in India or USA, we are resigned to smilingly (not) answer the "Why" question with; "We never intended to stay here long-term"!