Parenting young adults

My kids .....oops.... my young adults... are (almost) 18 and 21.

The lifestage I looked forward to, even yearned for, for years and years, has finally arrived. A couple of years ago, something shifted, and did so quite beautifully. When Advaith left home, he went to a school that was far away (11 hours by car, 2 hours by air IF we managed to get a direct flight). We couldn't just pop over with a homemade meal, rush to take his temperature, or have him come home for the weekend. The husband, who left home at the age of 16 and later went to college a good 1700 miles away from his family, opined that going so far away would turn out to be a very good decision. He was so right!

In the past 3 years, Ads has navigated painful health issues, figured out insurance, physician referrals, and orthopedic and physical therapy appointments. He found an apartment and moved there. His apartment flooded, and he had to move out for weeks (and move back in after repairs were complete). The flooding damaged his laptop and other appliances in the house. The dishwasher and AC gave constant trouble. He fell ill with viral infections a couple of times (that we know of). We were not there to help him with any of these things. He will graduate with a double major, but his real education has all happened outside the classroom. 

In these 3 years, our relationship has completely shifted. We were parents who shaped every decision, were responsible for his safety and well-being, and our dynamic was rooted, however softly, in authority. Now, we have to let go of the authority and the all-encompassing feeling of responsibility. Over the years, starting in high school, I have trained myself NOT to intervene and provide a solution. Biting my tongue several times a day is par for the course :) 

The shift to parenting adults requires more from us than it does from them. It is our role that must change, not theirs. There is a constant tension between restraint and instinct. I've personally had to reframe my responsibility from outcome to presence. Be that safe space, that judgment-free zone, that friend. But don't really believe that you can transition fully from parent to friend. Being a friend is easy :) I've always maintained to my kids that I am not here to win a popularity contest, but to be your parent. Friends want you to like them, but parents can exist comfortably inside their child's dislike :) 

The Gratitude Project - Update 2023

A few years ago, we embarked on an ambitious “Gratitude project”. I was reading my old post where I wrote:

“Our family is definitely more grateful for all that we have! We are closer, more connected, more mindful. I personally feel more centered and conscious when I am not fully present for the people that matter. I am more proactive about being in the moment and can reset quickly when I am not. For someone who tends to have a million different things running through her mind all the time, this has been a big achievement.

The children are more centered too. They have learned to articulate and contemplate their feelings and emotions better than before. Are they more empathetic? I don’t know, but they know they need to be! Are they more resilient? Only time will tell, though I strongly feel that their can-do attitude and calm courage while negotiating a big cross-continent transition this year, is due in big part to the Gratitude Project!”

Fast forward four years, where are we? It has been hard to keep the practice going, no doubt about that. The initial enthusiasm with which we began and pursued it in the first few years was bound to plateau as the kids became teenagers (hence less amenable to listening to us), and as the family dealt with the logistical challenges of different schedules. With daily gratitude circles, monthly meetings, and annual goal-setting sessions, the 2 MBAs in the house I fear managed to make it all feel like being in an office with KRAs and OKRs to get behind :)

I have also been reflecting on the myriad ways in which we talk about privilege, a word that is bandied about quite loosely nowadays but not something that was consciously thought about as my generation was growing up. Perhaps we didn’t have the vocabulary for it then; though in fact, I was a child of privilege as much as my parents were (as successive generations kept climbing up the privilege ladder). So to accuse my kids, not directly but subtextually of being privileged seems not just disingenuous but also ironical. I am trying not to do it. I understand that my generation was fortunate to reap extraordinary gains during a period of history when the rising tide lifted our boats higher than those of many others. We could attribute our material success to our incredible efforts and hard work and that makes a great story to tell our kids (as if they care!) but fact is we are as much the lucky winners of the birth lottery as they are. So ever so often if it seems that our kids are unconscious of their astounding luck and “entitled”, yes of course they are, wouldn’t you be in their place? They have no real understanding of what it took to get here; and telling them that grandfather walked barefoot 10 kilometers in the blazing son to go to school is like one of those Amar Chitra Katha stories- fascinating but nothing to do with their life :) 

So I bite my tongue when Y complains about how her English teacher hates her, even though I’d like to remind her, to put her problems in perspective, about the children suffering in Gaza. It’s taken me time to understand that gratitude and compassion can be cultivated without forcibly injecting privilege into the conversation. I have to hope that within the narrow confines of their current worlds, our kids have enough interactions with a wide enough range of people to understand their place in the world (being in public school helps). When Y tells me about her friends who cannot wear what they want, or who aren’t allowed to go out and socialize with their friends, or who have troubled family lives, she understands how privileged she is, and I expect she is grateful for it. 

Building the gratitude muscle in the kids has been a journey of letting my parenting evolve as well. So much of good parenting is “Show, not Tell”. So we make it obvious how we live life with an attitude of gratitude and hope that being a good(ish) role model will do the trick. Until then, we turn into irritating nags who insist that the family gathers for monthly meetings (and the kids are so good at deflecting these requests so that the meetings never happen). Last week, Y was annoyed that she and her brother were trapped in an impromptu “monthly meeting” in the car while we were waiting for our table to be ready at a restaurant. Conditions were perfect as it was brutally cold outside and we knew they wouldn’t just walk off :)

Match-ing matching

6570 days. Of loving safeguarding observing teaching listening and letting go. 

Learning to be vigilantly nonchalant, lovingly tough, fearfully confident; never graduating to beyond the advanced beginner level. Parenting is full of oxymoronic situations!

As Advaith turns 18, I’ve been reflecting on how I (we) did. Did we equip him with everything he needs as he travels to college and beyond? Did we teach him to be independent but not be afraid to ask for help; to be confident but humble; to be kind and helpful but establish the right boundaries; to advocate for himself but spare a thought for others? 

Suddenly, a lightbulb moment-  how could I have missed this!

"Ads," - I yell - "do you know how to strike a match?"

My son looks at me with a resigned expression, which reads - What random question is this woman throwing at me now?

"Of course I know, Ma", he dismisses me.

"Ok, how?"

"I know it ok? You do the thing with the thingy."

"Can you come here and show me how you do the thing with the thingy please?" I insist. 

"When am I ever going to use a match Ma?" He whines.

"I don't know, but please learn how to, right now."

Anyway, it’s clear he’s never used one before but after a couple of tries, he lights a match, throws it down in disgust, and walks off.

Mission accomplished!

Feeling ok with being looked down upon by one’s progeny - literally and figuratively - is also a key parenting skill!

As I keep reminding my kids - your brains aren't fully developed until you are 25. And I have a 30 years head start on you guys!

Toddlers vs teens

Now that I have 2 teenagers in the house and will be sending one half-baked adult out into the world in a year from now, it felt like time to address the rhetorical "Toddlers vs Teenagers - which would you rather have?" question. 

Well, gotta have both, obviously (what's the option?!).

Right. The answer as far as I am concerned is ......DRUM ROLL......

I will take teenagers any day.

With their smelly feet and armpits, acne and dandruff, moods and sullenness, hair and large hands and feet! Shall I go on drawing this generally unappealing picture? :) 

I just have these very sympathetic feelings for the underdogs you know. Toddlers are CUTE. Who doesn't like them? Certainly, even the kid-haters will good-humouredly set off the whining against the cuteness quotient.

But teenagers. Boy, they can be a tough breed to like. Tall, sometimes huge, they look like an adult but have none of the usefulness or know-how of one. They are unpredictable and moody. They eat massive amounts of food. They demand your time and attention and love and yet look the other way when you provide all of it. Arrrggghhh...they are infuriating!

Note: My kids were easy toddlers and are pretty easy teens as well; so not complaining here. These are general observations (my kids will call them sweeping generalizations!) based on all the kids I have encountered :)

Moving on...

These infuriating teens are also so vulnerable. Caught in the no-man's zone between childhood and adulthood, brains and cognition only partly developed (the brain is the last organ to mature; this happens in the early to mid-20s), misunderstood and misjudged even by the people who know them best, bodies growing in all sorts of uncomfortable ways, dealing with high pressure academic and social environments. One cannot but feel sorry for these poor souls. 

Research has established that the level of stress varies very little whether you have toddlers or teenagers. I personally think the difference is in what kind of stress. Parenting toddlers or very young kids creates a huge physical workload while with teenagers the exhaustion is primarily mental. Second-guessing what they are feeling, reading between the lines, worrying about risky behaviour or social media exposure, etc takes a toll on the parent's mental wellness. On the other hand, they are very well able to clean and dress themselves, navigate their social calendars, and under duress make their own meals and get themselves from one place to another without my help!

The old parenting wisdom is that you only have 18 summers with your kids. The thing is, when the kids are toddlers, 18 summers seems like light years away. It cannot come soon enough. Fast forward a few years and they are teenagers and that 18th summer is really really close and you'll do anything to have your sweaty stinky messy teenager lounging around your house for just one more summer.  

I never in a million years thought I'd say this. But I can now empathize with all those wannabe grandparents who are dying for their kids to procreate. It's not just some ego trip and carrying-on-our-family's-amazing-genes stuff. It's just plain old-fashioned "I need to smell that baby smell and feel that delicious baby fat and remember that feeling of wanting to gobble them up" stuff.

Gasp! I am going to be insufferable as a 60-year-old aunty!

Driving

Another milestone...another opportunity for the progeny to look down on me :)

Armed with lots of theoretical and very little practical knowledge, Ads has evolved into an effective backseat driver/commentator.

"Your hands are supposed to be at 9 and 3, you know that right?"

"Amma, can you stop driving with one hand?!!!"

"Did you check the speed limit?"

"I don't think you indicated for exactly 4 seconds before you switched lanes"....and so on and so forth.

My funny remarks about other drivers on the road are funny only to my own ears, I guess. I am anticipating being canceled by my own kids, very soon!

Ah, what's life without being patronized by our teenagers?

It's ridiculous to allow 16-year-olds to take the wheel, but that's a rant for another day!

3 years of school - recap

3 years completed in the public school system in the US, and the kids have grown and blossomed. Well beyond my wildest expectations. When I think of the anxiety I experienced in July/August 2018, it feels almost absurd that I should have been so scared. But worrying is a parent's prerogative and burden; thank you to Ads & Y for showing me what resilience is all about and for taking the good bad and ugly in your very smooth stride. 

Reflecting on the past 3 years, some strange and some interesting happenings:

1- Y and I standing in line to pick up Advaith's laptop in middle school, the teacher mistaking Y for the incoming student (8th grade) and profusely welcoming her until I corrected her and said that Y's brother is actually joining. Y was happy that she looked taller and older!

2- A horrible afternoon on the first day of school. Ads' bus from middle school was late, and he wasn't on board! Made the driver call the school. They said he had missed the bus. Rushed to his school. Couldn't find him anywhere. In full panic mode now. Realized I was getting late for picking up Y so rushed to her bus stop. Fortunately, she was on board. Quickly dropped her home. By now, am almost in tears and at wit's end. Suddenly a phone call, Ads using some random stranger's phone. He had taken the wrong bus and also got down at some stop that he didn't recognize! Fortunately, it was not far away. Told him to stay put and jumped into the car (again!) to pick him up. All this in 100-degree heat and 90% humidity.

That same evening, marched Ads to Verizon and bought him a phone! Later on, the same kind stranger from whom Ads had borrowed the phone called to ask if everything was okay :) 

Where was S in all this? Travelling as usual!

3- Colonial Day in Y's school where I volunteered for several hours, and watching Y dance colonial dances, play the violin etc. 

4- Watching 4th grade perform a musical based on the Wright brothers 

5- Last week of 4th grade and a lovely pancake breakfast in the classroom. I volunteered and got to meet other moms and make pancakes. The homeroom teacher got sudden back pain/muscle spasms and started crying. Dramatic ending to a fun morning!

6- Y contracting the flu just a day before a much-anticipated field trip to Yorktown and Jamestown. She was so upset. 

7- Proud parents watching Ads make the honor roll in 8th grade, and getting a prize for best student in English 

8- Open houses in 8th and 9th grade, and wandering bemusedly through school corridors, wondering how my kid would ever navigate the confusing layout and crammed daily schedule! He could, and he did :) 

9- Working on the 8th-grade science fair project, and helping make Ads' charts 

10- This year, proud of Y for getting a President's Education Award Certificate for outstanding academic excellence, one of the few in 6th grade in her school. It is given to graduating elementary school students who maintain a certain high level of academic performance (in Y's case, in 5th and 6th grade) and get atleast one "Pass Advanced" in the state exams. It was totally unexpected and a lovely surprise. 

11- Being able to participate in the many wonderful events and activities planned by the school staff, teachers and the PTA, for graduating 6th graders. Car parade, a virtual promotion, a field day, a memory walk etc - truly they made it a very very special send-off. I was very skeptical of all the tamasha initially. What's the big deal, I thought? Much ado about nothing. But it is a cute rite of passage as these kids transition from carefree elementary school to becoming responsible teens. Middle school is a different ball game. No one is going to handhold you or spoonfeed you. You are accountable and responsible for your grades, cocurricular activities, and your schedule. Parents and teachers are no longer going to support you as they did in elementary. In fact, parents will rarely even know what's going on. I am glad that we got to experience this with Y. 

Here's to summer, and new experiences in middle school!

Yard signs for all 6th graders

Memory walk 

Keeping at it

Ads recently won the runner-up prize in a Junior League tournament conducted by his tennis academy. He was thrilled and so were we, more so because it has taken us 4 years of almost continuous tennis lessons to come to this point. While the prize in itself is not a major thing, it does signal his tremendous progress both physically and mentally. From a kid who has always lagged behind his peers in the gross motor skills area and who lacked the confidence to compete, to a kid who now plays tennis and cricket with equal aplomb. From someone who hated sport to someone who enjoys a couple of sports (yes we are a long way away from being sporty and we are very opinionated, it is enough that a couple of games are approved!). From being nonathletic to running, throwing, catching and swinging better.

I am glad we kept at it because heaven knows I have wanted to throw in the towel many many times. As his tennis improved, his cricket skills picked up and now the cricket helps his tennis. Between chess, tennis and now an upcoming intensive cricket summer camp, we will have no time or energy to focus on that important life-skill, swimming.

I am looking forward to the stamina improving over the summer. I also hope he gets better at handling his frustration and getting over the small losses and disappointments which bother him so much. Most importantly, he will learn that to play any sport even reasonably well requires enormous grit, patience and strength.

Baby steps. Have I said this before????!!!! 

Y - Patchy Progress (Not!)

Some milestones for Y -

• Learning to skate/rollerblade for the last month and a half and doing pretty well so far. I used to think skating would not provide much exercise but it appears I was wrong; atleast in the initial stages it seems to be hard on the legs and thighs! From initially just lifting her feet high and walking to now smoothly coasting for short stretches, Y seems to be enjoying her weekly class so far.
• Transitioning to Anna's scooter, a much larger and taller one since she outgrew her own scooter. It took Y no time to learn how to manage on just 2 wheels instead of 3.
• Reading! She has been a slightly slow starter just like her brother inspite of having books and bibliophiles in her DNA and home ever since she was an infant. Fortunately I never fussed about them picking up reading. Just like Ads, she has leapfrogged into it and is now comfortable with the equivalent of the Ladybird 2 and 3 series and is asking to read the Geronimo Stilton books now!

The biggest transition has been to start wearing an eye patch for 4 consecutive hours everyday, for the last 2 months. She was diagnosed with lazy eye in November and has been so good with wearing the patch. I am super-proud of her! The patches prescribed by the ophthalmologist had adhesive on them and irritated her eyes no end. A couple of times, when we peeled it away it left bruises which later drew blood. I had to order a 100% cotton eye patch that could be fitted onto the spectacles, from the UK. They were simply not available online in India. Of course these cloth patches don't work as effectively as the adhesive ones, but we will find out when we meet the ophthalmologist again at the end of this month. We hope the lazy eye problem is corrected and she does not have to patch any more. The issue, as always, has been social. Random people exclaiming and asking OMG what happened? does not really help us. We know that when we step out inside the community, there will be atleast two people who ask us about the patch. I used to get livid with people's curiosity. I would never ask a child I do not know, why he is limping/wearing a patch/wearing braces etc etc but this is India and people are always curious :( But wiser people have advised me that explaining to others calmly makes a big difference to the way Y views herself, and it helps her articulate to others when they ask as well. So I am trying to subdue my natural reaction of annoyance and do what is best for my baby!

If she has to continue with the patch for some more time, I anticipate there is a lot of counseling and some delicate social navigation in store for us. But - as always - teaching moments aplenty, both for mommy and baby!!!

Personalities

Ads has recently started writing a diary. What has he gotten himself into? Did he not know (and why did I not anticipate) that being who he is, he would get stressed about not writing an entry every single night? Last night, he was so tired he could barely drag himself from the dining table to his bed. Yet his last words before sleeping were - "Amma, wake me up early tomorrow. I need to write in my diary."

Which of course, I did, because this kind of discipline and diligence is SO me. Some people call it borderline OCD behaviour :) 

When you see flashes of yourself in your kids, sometimes you want to steer them away from doing what you did...Sometimes, you just smile in understanding and let them go ahead, even though you know nothing good is ever going to come out of it.

I am told that both my kids need to be more outgoing, and able to make friends easily. Now I can never buy this "extroverts are better" argument. Nature dictated that my kids are both a little reserved and shy. After all, their parents are not extroverts! However, over the years, education travel and workplace opportunities have transformed S and myself into socially adroit and confident creatures. No doubt the same will happen to Ads & Y as well. I have no burning desire to have them be social butterflies or the life and soul of the party, at this age. I do coax them every now and then to go up and talk to kids they don't know, and help them strike up conversations with casual acquaintances. But I don't make a habit of pushing them. Often when I speak to someone in the elevator or in the park, Y has asked - "Why did you speak to that Uncle/Aunty? You don't know him/her." I know something clicks when I respond; there is my small learning moment! I know how long is has taken for Ads (many many years of nagging!) to voluntarily offer a greeting to someone he knows or a visitor to our home. Every time he does it, Y learns from him. Baby steps!

It's ok to have a couple of good friends, and a couple only. I never had a huge gang of friends growing up and even now the number of good friends is really small. Isn't that how it is for most of us? It was hard for me to be open and gregarious. Over the years, I conditioned myself differently and now it's become second nature. Perhaps my only role is to facilitate my children's journey. Point, coax but never ever force them to be something they aren't. 

I will have to gently break the news to Ads that his diary entries have been dated wrongly. He thinks we are still in January but it's already the 4th of February! He has to fill in 3 days worth of entries in the middle :) What fun we are going to have today!

Shifting expectations

A couple of years ago, I would have given anything for Ads to run out of the house every evening to play with his friends. Instead he would sit quietly at home, drawing endlessly or reading for hours. Now, I get annoyed with him for playing cricket (and talking about it endlessly) and wish he would start drawing again and reading.

Isn't it so unfair that every time he gets closer to the finish line, I promptly draw another one a little further away! Oh the unfairness of it all! I am ashamed of myself.

I told myself this when he came back from school the second day in a row with his snack untouched. His favourite whole-wheat chocolate cupcakes had been nibbled around the edges, fit only to be thrown into the bin. Amma they aren't nice any more, he claimed. I got my just desserts (pun intended).

When we came to India, I wished more than anything else for him to be sociable, sporty and brave. He has become all of these...and yet...I complain ever so often :(

The burden of expectations- I didn't think I was that kind of mom. Yet we all seem to do it. Or worse, sink under someone else's expectations.

Turning over a new leaf from today :)

Teeth and jaws

So we recently got to know of something called a Palatal Expander. It's a steel appliance that fits into the jaw, slowly expanding it over a period of months, and giving more space for the teeth to grow. We have known for a year or so that Ads might need such an appliance to correct his short upper jaw. Nevertheless I had put off doing any research on it until we saw an orthodontist that we liked and who could explain the whole thing to us in layman terms. When he did, it sounded so horrifying (a big ugly steel thing! in my baby's mouth! for a year!). Won't it hurt terribly? How will he eat and swallow? The questions were too many so I took a second opinion, with an equally nice orthodontist who advised exactly the same thing.

So with a sigh, I went back to our first dental clinic and agreed to get the expander inserted in Ads' mouth. Not that we had much of a choice - using an expander at this early stage, and adding braces in a couple of years, could well avoid years of expensive dental treatment in the future. 

I cringed when they fitted the thing in his jaw, even while the doc assured me that initial side-effects were minor- maybe headaches for the first couple of days, excessive saliva production, some slurring of speech. The last one continues even now though his tongue is adjusting to the appliance and his speech is definitely not as slurred as it was for the first week. Every morning and night, I have to fiddle around inside his jaw with a sharp pin to "activate" the appliance, which always makes me very nervous (I'm not great with things that require fine motor skills), and there's a lot of "Can't you open your mouth wide, you silly boy?" and "Ouch amma, you just poked me!".

Ads also can't eat anything sticky or hard until the expander sits inside the jaw - that means no pizza, nuts, apples etc. The pizza is a hard blow but we learnt our lesson well one evening when Ads forgot the rules and wolfed down 2 slices at a birthday party. S had to spend 45 minutes with a toothpick to painstakingly remove every errant bit of cheese from the expander. Never again! :(

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde -Reloaded

Have you read this poem? By a chap called Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (American poet)

There was a little girl, who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead,

And when she was good, she was very, very good,

But when she was bad she was horrid.

She stood on her head, on her little trundle bed,

With nobody by for to hinder;

She screamed and she squalled, she yelled and she bawled, 

And drummed her little heels against the winder.

Her mother heard the noise, and thought it was the boys

Playing in the empty attic,

She rushed upstairs, and caught her unawares,

And spanked her, most emphatic.

For the past several months, Ads has reminded me of this poem :) It has often seemed that we have regressed to the terrible twos and threes, which is the last time Ads was so challenging. Tantrums, bawling, tears at the drop of a hat, heightened sensitivity and prickliness, you name it, we have experienced it! The silver lining is that in public, he continues to be the well-mannered, quiet and cooperative boy he's always been. A pleasure to meet and talk to, affable and pleasant but never loud or aggressive. 

At home, Mr. Hyde surfaces. What has bothered me the most is him turning into the least attractive kind of elder brother - bossy, annoying and irritated by everything his sister says or does. Obviously we have tried to figure out when this behaviour started. It has intensified around the time I went back to work (there you go!) but the early signs have been there for much longer. 

Is it a "phase", like so many others? Who knows? The last week has been quiet; maybe we are turning a corner!

In our own beds and happy (mostly)

The kids are now officially sleeping in their own room every night. A huge milestone for us! The one most affected will be the husband who cannot imagine how he will manage to sleep every night without his two babies to provide warmth and comfort.Yes, there appear to be THREE people in the house needing night-time comfort and cuddles! Fortunately for him, he left for the US just a day after the new arrangement came into force and hasn't had a chance to experience withdrawal symptoms yet :)

'To compensate, I'm dragging a kicking and screaming Y to bed every afternoon for a nap. It forces me to rest a while in the middle of rigorous summer days spent entirely with the kids and gives Y some much needed downtime from endless bickering with her brother. The bonus is I get some soft cheek-to-cheek time with my little girl not to mention a few moments of girlish giggling and exclusive cuddles uninterrupted by Anna.

Last night I woke up to find Ads snuggled up next to me. I woke him up and tucked him into his own bed. In the morning, he claimed that he only came into my room because he wanted some cream for a mosquito bite and that I had dragged him into bed to sleep beside me! I have no recollection of what happened but it sure looks like I am experiencing some withdrawal symptoms of my own here! :)

One down, one to go

I went for my usual morning walk today. When I came back, the kids were up. The huge (and obviously, very pleasant) surprise was that Ads had brushed his teeth and done potty AND he had brushed Y's teeth and cleaned her potty!!

Is my work here done, or what?? :)

Ads has been more or less taking care of his own stuff for the last few months. Bathing, potty, wearing clothes and so on. He has trouble with buttoning shirt cuffs, clasping his belt and so on. We haven't even gone anywhere near shoe-laces yet. But having him take care of his own toilette frees up a large amount of time.

Lately, I have also been getting him to do some outside chores. Pay the electricity and maintenance bills, for one. He needs to drop the cheque at the office downstairs and wait until the surly manager draws up a receipt. He has been buying simple groceries like milk, yogurt, paneer etc from the shop downstairs. That is also an exercise in addition and subtraction since I always give him a 100 or 500 Re note and ask him to calculate how much change he should be bringing back. He recently started charging a commission of 10 bucks for every transaction he carried out, and we are still arguing about that because according to me, you don't get paid for chores like these and anyway he eats most of the milk and paneer that we buy :)

Next up, he wants to learn how to make his own breakfast (simple toast and oatmeal), soap his back and strap on his watch :)

A sorted-out 7 yo (I think!)

Ads graduated from bedtime stories quite a while ago and for the last year or more, his bedtime routine has consisted of either a quiz (we ask him questions on a mutually-agreeable topic) or else a "discussion". The latter again involves a specific topic on which we have a free-wheeling chat of sorts. Nothing very elaborate, 10 minutes tops is the usual duration because we have to start sleeping and therefore the same topic may be continued for as long as a week depending on how interesting it is.

For the last few days, we have been talking about religion. What it is, why the need for religion, the different religions practised in India, and so on. Naturally, we have also talked about evolution and God and faith (mine, his and the world's at large!). Last night, he floored me not once by twice by saying something that was not just extremely insightful but totally unexpected for someone his age.

#1 - During a discussion on the negation of the theory of evolution by conservative Christians, he said: Only fools think they know everything. It was almost telepathic, because just then I'd been about to say something on the lines of - Only fools think they have all the answers, the wise man is full of doubts.

#2 - We were talking of the commonality between all religions and I told him that all religions seek to answer just a couple of fundamental questions, and then I casually asked him whether he could think what this question was. Pat came the reply: Who am I?

His prompt and ready response shook me up. How did he know? We'd never discussed this with him before. How had he cracked this most fundamental question of all? Who am I? Why am I here? To what end?

I find it very hard to reconcile this kid with the kid who fights over the last piece of chocolate with his baby sister and who throws a fit because I gave her 3 kisses and gave him only 2! I feel like saying - Dude, you cracked the meaning of life! You cannot, simply cannot, be acting like this!

Oh well - that's what makes life with Ads so interesting :)

Budding author

Our geek has been writing books. The kind that were written in the old days - yes actually written -with old-fashioned pen and paper and not by banging keys on a laptop. I half-heartedly tried to get him to write on the computer. I'd passed on my old clunky HP laptop to him when I migrated to a sleeker version. He did not take to it for a variety of reasons and I let him be. Unlike most of his peers, he's not very much into tech tools and games. Plus that laptop is so lousy; half the keys are missing thanks to Y and it's battery is on it's last legs.

The books (multiple!) are all started and then discarded. The first thing Ads does is to create the following pages.

• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgements
• Resources/Bibliography
• Contents (with page numbers)
• Glossary
• Index

By the time he's done with all of these, he's exhausted and bored and the book remains all bones with no flesh!

We've grown sick telling him, start writing the damn book! Then do the preface and acknowledgements and so on. What do I do with this boy? On the other hand, how many 7-year olds know what a foreword and a preface is? :)

Most of the books have the authors name: Ads. Consultant: Y :) Editor: S and Publisher: Yours truly :) I told him, since I was the one supplying him with a regular and everlasting supply of A4 sheets for his books, I should be the publisher :)

I'm also thinking of buying shares in ITC's paperboard business!

Leaving you with some sample pages and a letter to Santa Claus.

 

Intro page to his Enclyclopaedia

Sample contents page with page nos

Part of a foreword that I wrote for his book

Letter to Santa asking mainly, for what else, an encyclopaedia!

 

Little milestones

Some milestones and inflexion points attained over the last couple of months. Some minor, some major, some that still need work!

1. Ads' slight OCD behaviour continues! I'm not complaining since he's been channeling it in ways that are largely in my favour. For example, he gets back from school and will not have his milk unless he has cleared away his lunch box, put away his shoes, thrown his uniform into the laundry basket and compulsively tidied up the shoes/sandals that are lying all over the place - these belong to Y and me since we would have entered the house just a few minutes before him :) Never mind that some days he is so hungry and tired when he gets back from school and I'm yelling for all I'm worth - Leave it. We'll clear it up later. But nope!

2. Y has begun dressing/undressing on her own, with some help from me with buttons and such. She's become tall enough to reach her closet all by herself, which of course does not help when she holds up a highly unsuitable party frock (which I had hidden right at the bottom of the pile!) to go play in the park :)

3. The kids finally finally started sleeping on their own. This is a biggie. We have taken years to transition from rocking them, holding them, cuddling them, telling them stories, and generally having an unnecessarily long and involved bedtime routine. Now they get tucked in, a short cuddle if they want or a nice long hug and kiss to both, and I am out of there! 8 pm Zindabad! 

When S is in town, it's back to the good old days - he prefers to huddle/cuddle with them all night while I'm happy in the guest room by myself. But atleast we know the kids can sleep on their own and that helps me sleep better at night :)

4. Mealtimes are more streamlined. Ads seems to be dropping less food on the ground and more into his mouth. Y, who was always far less messier but much slower and fussier than Ads, dawdles less over her plate and is more malleable to trying out new kinds of food.

5. I've been doing less with Ads on the homework front as well. He has to tell me what's in his almanac for the day and if there is some homework or some activity that I have to help him with. If he doesn't let me know - too bad, cos it doesn't get done!

6. While Ads has been going to the school bus-stop and back home from the bus-stop for quite some time, I never realized that he did not want me with him. I wasn't able to go with him, not out of choice, but out of necessity. But one day, when I had S at home to keep an eye on Y, I offered to accompany him and he refused. When this happened multiple times, I pressed him for the reason. He hemmed and hawed. Finally he whispered - Amma, you talk to me in front of everybody in Tamil!! It's so embarrasing!!!
I've been meaning to jot down these updates for weeks now, but was jolted into action after getting inspired by Aparna's post here. Thanks, Aparna! 

Seven!!

My baby boy is 7! SEVEN!

Ok ok.....why am I exclaiming over this?! I knew he would have to eventually get there, but somehow it seems a little unreal. Every birthday does.

Nothing much has changed between 6 and 7. My boy is still thin, lanky, bright, sensitive, emotional, responsible, hardworking, imaginative, affectionate (very!), compliant and obedient. He's also become a bit more street-smart, a little less trusting and doormat-ish. His best friend is a kid a whole year older than him, a brash boy who can be just a little too aggressive at times. He ends up in scuffles with many of the other kids in the complex. He tried to intimidate Ads too but over the last few months I see how well Ads is holding his own. While the other kid tends to dominate, he never gets his way all the time and Ads seems to be pushing back at all the right moments. My boy is learning all the lessons I wanted him to learn.

I've asked him to do one thing for me this year. Now that he's a big boy and all. I've asked him to please please please stop throwing tantrums because he's too old for them and really, this mommy can't deal with them any more. I have no patience, no energy, nothing to deal with the one-a-day-average. He's promised. We'll see how this resolution pans out!

The one significant change that has taken place is the interest/obsession with wildlife. We started with the big cats, moved onto marine creatures and are now deep into dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. The fallout of this has been that he has stopped playing with his toys. No Lego, no cars or trucks, no board games, no beyblades and no ball games. He has tiny wild animal toys and I bought him a set of marine mammals for his birthday so he is generally to be found playing with those. Either that, or else reading and writing about them! (Ms Y apes her brother in most respects so she has stopped playing with her toys too!).

After last year's unconventional birthday celebration, we went the whole hog this year and invited about 10 kids to a simple birthday party at home. A lion-themed cake, pizza, cheesy garlic bread, juice, a few party games and lots of running around made for one fun evening. Y nearly got trampled several times as the boys rushed to the door whenever someone rang the bell and as they played hockey, badminton and footie inside the house! She asked me "Amma, why are they so loud?"

Happy birthday, my darling.

In his EVS class, the kids were asked to create a wishlist. Ads' top two wishes were Peace of Mind and Children! I was zapped at the first one. Didn't he have peace of mind now? Does he even know what peace of mind is? His response: Amma, our teacher said that was on the top of her wishlist so I just copied it!

And children? What if they are pesky naughty brats?

Its ok amma, I think they will be good like me!

Ending this post with some of his recent art and writing work.

Drawing of a Great White Shark and on the right, the teeth of a Megaladon

The first sheet of a booklet on dinosaurs

Inside sheet - fact file on dinos

A rough and incomplete sketch of a lion

A one-off sketch!

Killer whale skeleton

Latest interest - making tables of the largest/heaviest/fastest animals and birds, the ones with the biggest bite forces etc etc

 

The Tooth fairy comes visiting

The place: Auckland, at a fancy restaurant on the waterfront. Y is fast asleep on S's lap. The three of us are tucking into some scrumptious ravioli and lasagne. Suddenly, Ads cries out (with a distinct look of alarm on his face) "Amma, my tooth broke!"

He couldn't find the tooth and since it meant he must have swallowed it (pesto flavour and all), he was very agitated that a "tooth tree" would start growing out of his mouth in a few weeks. The tooth....oops...the idea had been planted in his head by yours truly in a moment of ill-timed jest, briefly forgetful of the fact that Ads tends to take things a little too seriously and literally.

We calmed him down, rinsed out his mouth and he resumed his seat with a relieved and happy smile on his face. He has been yearning for the tooth to fall out for a few months. Being the youngest in his class, he was the last man left standing with all 20 milk teeth firmly in place and he wanted to take his place with the big boys and girls. I promised him the tooth fairy would come by once we landed in India and he retorted "Amma, there's no such thing as a tooth fairy. I know it's you who will give me the money."

Strange. The man knows there's no tooth fairy but is ready to believe that a fallen tooth will take root in his stomach :)

Baby steps for Ads and some advice needed for Y

I'd posted just a fortnight ago about Ads being afraid of being left alone at the bus-stop. And yes, yet again, my children have surprised me by behaving out of character (maybe that is in character?!!) Because the mornings are so hectic, with Ads' bus arriving at 7.20 am and Y needing to board her van at 7.40 am, Ads has started walking alone to the stop (which is just outside the main gate of our complex so he doesn't have to cross the road). Most days, S or I follow him to his stop within 5-10 minutes, with Y in tow, and we are there to see him board the bus. This is because the bus sometimes arrives only around 7.30 or 7.35. But on the days it is on time (like today), we haven't been able to make it because we are still getting kid#2 ready for school. I feel a little bad about Ads going alone but he doesn't mind. He's proud that he goes to tennis class all by himself and gets back home after playing in the park, again by himself. These small steps towards independence mean a lot to him, as they do to me. In any case, I am usually around whenever he is down, just in a different place; for example in the children's play area with Y while he is in the lawn with his friends. It helps that the complex is quite secure, tons of guards everywhere, lots of kids/maids and the security staff in general is quite alert and seem to know all the kids. 

He has prohibited me from picking him up from the bus-stop at 2.45 pm, but this is something I said no to. Primarily because, once he fell asleep on the way home and the bus-driver and the bhaiyya did not realize that he had not got down. They were all ready to speed away but then saw me waiting and realized a kid was missing! Since that incident, I have lost a little of my confidence in them. So I go to the stop and wait anyways, risking Ads' annoyance on seeing me! I'd much rather not have to pick him up because I'm forced to leave a sleeping Y alone at home when I am downstairs, but at the moment I don't have any backup.

In the meantime, our old problem has resurfaced. The class teacher at Y's new school has been telling me of almost-daily episodes involving Y hitting other kids. Today, she has bitten some child. I've been feeling really upset because, believe me, I've been on the other side of the fence and I know how it feels when your child tells you that some rowdy element in class hit/bit him:( I've been talking to Y and this afternoon she was visibly angry with me (probably because I kept harping on the same theme). Any good ideas on how to explain to her that hitting/biting/shoving is NOT okay? Her teacher seems a little inexperienced and I get the sense that she's a little out of her depth in handling this. In Y's earlier Noida school, the teachers were very savvy and managed to resolve this issue in no time. I've asked S to talk to her too, and hopefully she will understand why it's hurtful to cause pain to others.