I've been neglecting my children. Big-time. You know that feeling when you get into the "zone"? When work, or the flow of words, or an art project, or in my case, studying, is going really well? When I understand everything I'm reading (which doesn't happen all that often, I can tell ya!), when I read a sample exam question and know right off how to structure the answer; better still, when I actually write for an hour and know that the answer is a kick-ass one? :) I'm there now. I have 3 weeks before the first examination. My mom (and until yesterday, my dad) responded to SOS calls and parked themselves in blistering hot Gurgaon so that I could maximise my study time. The consequence, a mother near-invisible in body and spirit. I don't feel too guilty about it because the kids are well-entertained and taken care of. Every now and then, I make myself available for a few absent-minded cuddles and kisses. I occasionally feed Y, take them to the park, or read to them, but the key word is occasionally.
It's not easy. I'm frequently annoyed when one of the kids comes running up to me when I am wrestling with a particularly difficult point and demands to be lifted up and made a fuss of. I feel enraged when they start fighting among themselves and I have to referee. It's painful when they don't eat dinner quickly because thanks to the moving men who broke my work-computer table, I only have the one table where I can spread out my laptop, books and notes. I'm exhausted and drained by 6 pm and feel guilty when I cannot muster up the energy to play with my kids before their bedtime. Yesterday, I kept Ads home from school because he had a bad cough. Guess what, surprise surprise, the cough disappeared as soon as the school bus left! They spent most of the rest of the hottest Monday in the last 4 years fighting amongst themselves, probably egged on by the heat and dust and the ennui that it invariably creates. Anything for a little excitement, what? Then Y insisted that I put her to bed, an undertaking I've been trying to avoid because put me in a darkened room at 8 pm and the odds are high that my body will hit the snooze button too and there will go my 2 hours of uninterrupted study! She was clinging to me, and I was trying to move away without offending her, because I love her and everything, and I would have loved one last cuddle before bedtime, but it was so HOT!
Aah..........even when I am ready to be fully present for my child, the weather conspires to defeat me!
Just noticed it's my 250th post! I thought I'd run out of writing material long before now :)